I’m so sorry it’s taken a while to update you on what happened next. It’s so hard to find enough time these days to sit down (alone) and write to you properly. Karate Kid is the snooping type (which we always knew) and if I have my laptop open he’ll come over to hug me or rough up my hair to create the opportunity to look at my screen (I think he thinks that he’s being discreet, but the prolonged ‘reading’ stare at the screen isn’t).
Let’s get down to business. Mr Nice Guy was on my mind after the last entry. Could he really be Mr Right? was the question on my mind. Despite the impending doom of our relationship in my mind, Karate Kid and I organised a games night at our place for the Friday that I was on-call. I couldn’t really participate in the games as I could be called in to work at any time, but I enjoyed waiting on our guests and playfully taunting them from the sidelines.
Now for some intense information…… Intense, in that it provokes a visceral response in me that makes me want to seek justice/revenge (which ever label you’d like to give it). I found it really hard to bite my tongue as the outrage curdled inside me. Mr Nice Guy mentioned his ex-girlfriend to us (As for the context, I think it was during a group discussion on what percentage of assets an ex partners has claim on after an arbitrary time living together). Apparently, as they had been separated for over a year, he was now in the safe-zone from having her make claim on his assets. The next information that Mr Nice Guy decided to share with us is what made us all speechless……the reason why they broke up after a seven year relationship….
I’ve never been unfortunate enough to have met the scumbag of his ex, so out of respect, have never asked why they split up….saying that, I’d likely still not ask what went wrong even if I had known her. Now, Dear Diary, let’s keep in mind that we are only hearing one side of the story, but even with the bias I am inclined to take Mr Nice Guy’s side. The reason why Mr Nice Guy broke up with his ex-mole-of-a-girlfriend is because she was emotionally and physically abusive toward him – Can you believe it, Diary?? Can you seriously believe it? He even has small scars on his arms from where she’d throw metal keys and other objects at him.
It made me so angry hearing this. I was almost frothing at the mouth wanting to threaten all the things I’d do to that mole when I finally crossed paths with her. No one, absolutely no one, deserves that sort of treatment. We were all in silence from shock for a few seconds and the started expressing our empathy towards him. I personally needed a stress-ball in that moment but don’t own one.
Soon after that bombshell, we started playing games. Mr Nice Guy then received a text message and his jaw dropped. He said “Whoa guys, you’ll never guess who just texted me“. It was his scum-bag-ex. She was asking how his dog was and said that she missed it. I immediately spoke up and told him not to engage in conversation. I said that she was lonely and attention seeking and trying to lure him back in. People don’t change, she was still the same two-faced, pustulatingly rotten-to-the-core mole that she used to be and it’d only be a matter of time before he’d remember why he left. Everyone agreed.
Mr Nice Guy then went on to say that it was so eerie to hear from her that night, after just mentioning her to us, because he hadn’t heard from her in almost a year. He also said that he was so glad to be in the company of supportive friends when receiving that message.
Personally, I wanted to take his phone and call the mole and give her a mouthful of what I thought of her and to warn her to back off. But that isn’t very lady-like, is it? Instead, I stewed quietly to myself.
During the gaps between his turns, Mr Nice Guy would come over to talk to me and divulged more information. He told me that initially things were great. Over the years her behaviour changed and gradually got worse and worse. She’d give him the cold shoulder if he went out without her. There was so much that he wasn’t allowed to do. She, on the other hand, could dress up nicely and go out with her girlfriends whilst he was made to stay at home.
She didn’t like him spending time with his family either, so gradually stopped contact with them. The family only met their dogs the once when she was away one weekend. It sounded really sick to me. She had managed to socially isolate him so that he had no friends of his own and limited contact with his family. She would treat him nicely only after she’d treated him badly. He was the perfect example of a victim of domestic abuse.
Again, after hearing this, I wanted to punch her in the face. I wondered if she’d enjoy receiving it as much as she apparently enjoyed giving it – only one way to find out. I thought that it was probably a good thing that I didn’t know who she was, for my own criminal record sake.
There was one more interesting fact about his relationship that I’d like to share. It was a major red flag that we should all pay attention for – meddling family members. About eight years ago, when Mr Nice Guy first started dating Mole-Scum, her twin sister needed to be admitted into a mental health facility because she just couldn’t cope with the idea of her sister having a boyfriend. After that, her twin sister was very much involved in their relationship, bordering on ‘too much’. It reminded me a lot of my Newly Single Friend’s story where the sister of her ex-boyfriend was the cause of the breakup. I was suspicious of incest from the start with the very close interdependent relationship between the siblings. It was always made clear to my friend that their relationship was more important than her place in his life (she was the third wheel, per se). I also found it weird that in the living areas there were only photos of the siblings together and none of my friend and her boyfriend…..
Anyway, so now we know why Mr Nice Guy broke up with his ex. I did ask him why he didn’t defend himself or fight back. He said he did try to defend himself but that she was very aggressive. She hadn’t always been like that, it was a gradual change over the years and he hoped that things would go back to the way they were. It was emotionally confusing having her sweet as pie one day and then violent the next if he did something ‘wrong‘ in her eyes. He said that he felt like he was always walking on eggshells with her.
There are two more updates about Mr Nice Guy that I’d like to share with you before we move on to even more interesting developments. One, is that Mr Nice Guy resigned from his job as he hadn’t been being paid for over a month by his boss. He is now committed to a career change and is preparing madly for an interview happening this week. It’s an amazing opportunity where he’ll be sponsored to work full-time and get paid full-time whilst studying a post-graduate degree.
The other important point to note is some of the things that Mr Nice Guy said whilst playing games on that Friday night. He knew that I would be alone the next night whilst Karate Kid was out dancing and I was on-call (Karate Kid does what Karate Kid wants). He offered to download a movie for me to watch. I thought that this was kind and knew that Karate Kid was stewing quietly overhearing it. It didn’t bother me, Karate Kid had proven to be self-serving and insensitive to my needs that whole week I was on-call. It’d do him some good to observe how others should be treated.
The other thing that Mr Nice Guy did that was interesting was the display of joy he made during ‘Cash Flow‘ game (by Robert Kiyosaki) when he got children. Everyone else didn’t want to pick up the card giving you children as that meant you lost money. We’d all make fun of the people who picked up the children cards, whereas Mr Nice Guy was over the moon and let everyone know it. I wondered if it had something to do with our conversation the week before (the one from Entry 202). In the car, Mr Nice Guy had asked me how many children I wanted to have and during that same evening I confided in him that I may need to have single-mother IVF depending on how things worked out with Karate Kid.
Dear Diary, I don’t think I’ve shared with you my latest crazy plan. Feelings aside and looking at things from a realistic perspective, I’ve became conscious of the fact that Karate Kid isn’t a stable long-term investment. He doesn’t talk about wanting a future with me, he instead avoids the topic. He doesn’t dream about having a family with me or owning a home with me, nothing. Originally, I thought that he was a commitment phobe, but now I think that he just lives each day as it comes and serves himself.
Upon realising this, my life became so much simpler. I’d been putting my future direction on hold waiting for him to come to the party (which, in that moment, I realised wasn’t ever going to happen). So, I decided to make decisions about my future that didn’t include him in it because he is an unreliable investment. My grand plan is to save as much money as I can in the next two years and take out a mortgage on an inner city unit. I’ll likely only be able to afford a one-bedroom, and I’m okay with that. Once I’ve paid off enough I’ll be able to have a child of my own. I’ll live in the apartment with said-child for the next twenty-or-so years. Because of the location of the unit, the child will automatically gain entry into high-ranking schools (taking financial and commuting pressures off future-me).
Deciding upon this plan has been like a breath of fresh air as it has made me feel more settled in my current job. I’ve stopped looking for other avenues of making living because I’ve come to appreciate how good of a setup it is for me. It pays well (better than if I were to change job or profession), I’m entitled to maternity leave right now, it’s supportive of single mothers, I’m entitled to long service leave, and it’s tolerable. I also realised that if I were to study something new that I’d be down money and time for a few years, then start at the bottom of the ladder and need to climb up for a few years to get to a position that is equivalent to what I’m in right now. If I had a dream that made my heart sing I’d pursue that. But in all honesty, Diary, I just want to be financially free one day so that I am in the position that I can choose to work. I think working is important so that we feel a sense of purpose. It’s just nice to know that it’s on our own terms.
Okay, so, now for the other interesting information. About two weeks ago, Karate Kid and I had a couple over for dinner. You may remember them as the Guy Without A Filter and my girl friend who has given up on the dream of getting married because the Guy Without A Filter doesn’t want to? Anyway, whilst they were at our place, Guy Without A Filter received a random text message from Shy Guy. As he has no concept of maintaining confidentiality, he shared with us that the message said that Shy Guy was dating German Girl (I’ve met her once before when she came for the camping trip Entry 186). Karate Kid was immediately interested, and, potentially jealous of his friend’s feat. We were all surprised as German Girl did seem to be out of Shy Guy’s league. Karate Kid was disappointed that Shy Guy hadn’t shared the news with him, but wasn’t surprised as they weren’t really on talking terms still.
At a dance party last weekend I saw both Shy Guy and German Girl dancing together and sitting near each other. When Shy Guy asked me to dance I sneakily asked him what had been happening in his world. I was hoping that he’d share the news with me, but he decided to omit that newsflash and tell me that he’d been busy with work. I can’t judge, Dear Diary, I would have answered in exactly the same way. It’s best to be cautious and let a relationship declare itself before advertising it to the world. This, of course, is a double standard. I expect Karate Kid to do the exact opposite, and he disappoints me continually because of this.
Next piece of gossip. Polar Bear is back from his flying trip…..and…..he is back dating his ex-girlfriend (the one he was with when we used to house-share). It’s official because it’s on Facey (Makes me judge Karate Kid even more with his lack of public announcement of our courtship). Anyway. I have many questions floating around my head as to how this reigniting of love came about. During my conversations with Polar Bear he made it very clear that he and his ex would only ever be friends. At one point, he even told me that she was f**ing crazy.
I’ve met his ex numerous times and she is a very level-headed and sensible person. I think he thought that she was crazy because she expressed her frustration in him that she wanted to settle down and have a family and this wasn’t part of his grand plan. To me, it seems a bit excessive to label a woman as ‘f**ing crazy’ because she’s upset that he’s denying her her dream. It actually seems perfectly sane and natural to expect that the woman you’re dating to desire such a thing. It sounds more like a textbook coward’s response to negating the responsibility for wasting a woman’s time dating her with no intention of sharing a future with her. Diary, I think that men abuse the term ‘crazy’ when labeling women. It’s so much easier to label her as crazy than to accept responsibility for provoking the problem(s).
I may have mentioned before that Polar Bear wanted a vasectomy at age 18 because he was adamant that he didn’t want children. The Doctor he saw refused to arrange the vasectomy because he was ‘too young‘ and may change his mind in years to come. Polar Bear also told me that he is not interested in cleaning the bottom of, or taking responsibility for, another human being. He said that he’d only helped clean his young nephew’s bottom once when he had an accident, and that that involved him squirting him at distance with a hose. It makes me wonder if his girlfriend has managed to convince him to have children, or if she has given up on the idea of having children? I mean, clash of life goal is a deal breaker. For the relationship to continue to function someone needs to make a serious compromise.
When I find out more information I will share it with you.
Now for the news that we already knew, but we needed to confirm. My Newly Single Friend has officially friend-zoned Mr Nice Guy. I invited her for dinner last week and she confirmed the news. Despite my conflict of interest, I was disheartened by the confirmation as I knew how much Mr Nice Guy liked her.
Newly Single Friend did share more news about who else she was dating. Italian Stallion did come up in conversation. She told me that he wasn’t relationship material (I told her that months ago) and said that she wasn’t going to make an effort seeing him again – Bravo, girlfriend.
She told me that despite his attractiveness and charm with the ladies that he wasn’t a womanizer. I told her that my brain just couldn’t accept this statement because he was a gorgeously handsome pilot that likely had women in every city waiting for him. My friend then broke some news that shattered this perception that I had of him…..
Yes, he was drop dead handsome. Yes, he was smooth and charming. But. And here’s the game changer. He doesn’t try to pressure women into the bedroom. It turns out that he has performance anxiety under the sheets. His confidence dissipates because he doesn’t have the full package that one would anticipate an Italian Stallion to possess.
Diary, it is probably a blessing in disguise. It’s a blessing to women all around the world that he doesn’t have the confidence to seduce women into the bedroom because many of us would succumb to his charm. That is the only positive I can derive from this situation.
Diary, in the past two weeks I’ve thought a couple of times about Mr Spark. I have been thinking that I haven’t seen him around for a long time and wondered if he has moved town for job opportunities or maybe has met a girlfriend who doesn’t dance. I haven’t mentioned him since August 2017 (Entry 112).
Surprisingly, this Saturday, Mr Spark appeared on the dance floor. I was curious to know where he’d been all this time. He ignored me and I ignored him for most of the night. Gee, this man sure holds grudges. I wondered if he was partly autistic. I’m sure that he began to figure out that I was dating Karate Kid as at points during the night Karate Kid would come up and hug me.
Eventually, Plain Jane Peasant Maiden arrived to the party. She made a beeline for Mr Spark. I think that previously there has been some chemistry between them from what I remember from long-ago Facebook stalking expeditions I’ve embarked upon. Even though I’m with Karate Kid and she’s not, it’d still irk me if Mr Spark started dating her. I know that it sounds irrational, Dear Diary, and I’ll admit that it probably is, but Plain Jane Peasant Maiden is a category two rival (she doesn’t deserve category one status). Her being a rival means that I’ll be jealous if she dates a past interest of mine, especially Mr Spark.
Diary, let me just break it down how significant this is to bother me so much. If you’ve been reading from the start you’ll know that Mr Spark has been the only guy that I’ve been infatuated with (sparing Bird Man, who may not have made it into this blog as he is old news from almost a decade ago). If you go back to the start in September 2016, you’ll see in Entry 2 (The Guy with the Spark) that I’d been entranced by this mystery man for years. In Entry 3 (Masquerade Ball) I was literally frozen speechless when he asked if we could go on a date. It took a month later for us to go on our long-awaited first date in October 2016 (The Date I’ve been Dreaming Of….). We went on two more dates, for Thai food (Entry 13) and movies and arcade in November 2016 (Entry 14). On 30th November 2016, my heart broke when he friend-zoned me (Entry 17)….which I’ll admit was partly my fault for being over-critical and over-reserved. Ever since that friend-zoning text message he sent, I’d never forgiven him and ignored him at every chance I got. I made sure that I was super sexy any time I went out to reinforce the error he’d made (Entry 18).
So, Dear Diary, on Saturday evening when he appeared out of nowhere I was naturally curious as to where he’d been for the past few months. We both ignored each other as we routinely did since December 2016. When Plain Jane Peasant Maiden went up to talk to him I waited until the end of their dance together to wave at him and smile when we made eye contact. He gave me a weird look back as if he were confused that I was acknowledging his existence. I don’t know why I did it, Diary. I momentarily forgot that I was harbouring bad blood. I hoped that it puzzled him why I chose to be with Karate Kid rather than him. I also hoped that he’d lose interest in Plain Jane Peasant Maiden.
I also have a minor update about The Twin. The one that I met on my recent China trip in May. He sent me a series of emails with photos that he and his twin brother had taken on their superior camera. He also suggested that we catch up some time as he worked close to where I live.
It took me a week to reply to him. I genuinely did want to meet with him. Before I share with you the next part I’d like you to keep in mind, Dear Diary, that what I share with you are my inner most feelings and thoughts (I agree that it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do, some aren’t virtuous, but they are my truthful personal thoughts that circulate in my mind that I share with you). Before I received the email from The Twin and for the week after receiving it, I had been fantasizing a future with him. Not with Mr Nice Guy or with Karate Kid. I felt more happiness imagining how wonderful things would be with The Twin. I mean, he was so caring and tentative. We get along with each of our families too. He ticks boxes. But most of all, I noticed how thoughtful he was towards me and my family. Just so thoughtful and went out of his way to help if he could. He was also very caring towards his mother which I respected a lot.
Here was his email:
I did end up replying to The Twin:
It’s so nice to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to upload the photos for us. They bring back memories.
Haha yes, life has been busy since returning. I think it takes a bit of time to settle back into normality.
I will certainly say hi to my family for you. Please say hello to your Mum and your brother for us too.
That’d be nice to catch up some time 🙂 Anastasia”
That email was over a week ago. I haven’t heard back from him yet. It’s probably a good thing as I’m still technically with Karate Kid and I’d need to break the news to The Twin gently without Karate Kid being there.
Dear Diary, you are probably wondering how things are going with Karate Kid. Well, since deciding that I was going to find a way to break up with him and trying to decide when, things changed a bit. He seemed to soften and became slightly more tentative. I don’t know what changed, but he did make me tea and toast a few mornings in the past two weeks when I’ve not had time for breakfast before work.
The look in his eyes has been more loving too. I’ll find sometimes that he studies my face after we hug or kiss and I sense that there are deeper feelings that have slowly developed. Maybe I can see the realisation in his eyes that he does care for me…..I don’t know if I’d dare use the word ‘love‘. I brought up the L-word a few months ago and he told me the word ‘love‘ was a very powerful word (meaning that he didn’t love me at that point in time). Since then, I’ve made an effort not to be the first to say that I love him because I don’t know if he’s able to reciprocate.
I told a dear friend of this dilemma recently and she told me that maybe he is now at the point where he’s waiting for me to say it. There have been a number of times where the words have almost slipped out of my mouth and I’ve caught them just in time. I refuse to be the first to say it, Dear Diary. It’s not just out of pride. I need to hear it from him first. It’s one of the only things there is left for him to do willingly to prove his commitment to me. I’ve been the one to invite him to live with me. I’ve been the one to broach the topic of children and marriage. I’m the one who’s trying to consciously create a life together. All he does is come along for the ride and take each day as it comes. How am I meant to know if I’m the one forcing things to work? He needs to step up and confess his love for me without me twisting his arm.
I’m thinking that late September is a good deadline to have as that’s the end of the six month lease. If he isn’t emotionally committed to me by then I’ll be left with no choice than to move onward and upwards without him.
I think one thing that has made him soften is some really sad news of a mutual friend of ours. Last weekend her and her boyfriend invited us and some others out for dinner. They had news for us. The news wasn’t that they were getting married, having a child or moving…..the news was that she has breast cancer. She was having a mastectomy the next week and then promptly starting chemotherapy.
During that dinner, my friend shared with me her sadness that she would likely never have the chance to have children of her own. She and her boyfriend had moved in together a few months ago and had been discussing starting a family. This news had destroyed their plans as even though her eggs could be frozen, she likely wouldn’t be fertile enough to have children after five years after the chemotherapy had completed. My heart went out to her. It was so cruel for life to take their dream from them when they were so close to realising it.
Karate Kid was sweeter and more sensitive to me after we learned about this news. We went to visit her in hospital a few days after her mastectomy. She was in good spirits and preparing for her chemotherapy to start. After we got home that night, Karate Kid cheekily said that he was going to save my life. I didn’t understand what he meant until he started examining my breasts for any suspicious lumps. Apparently, partners are more likely to detect breast cancer. Karate Kid did a thorough inspection and I was touched by this rare display of care.
I feel that I’m becoming more apart of Karate Kid’s family. In the past three weeks, I’ve accompanied Karate Kid to his nephew’s third birthday party and his sister’s birthday dinner. His sister even gave us an electric frying pan that they have spare to help us with our new rental place. His niece loves me (maybe because I’m a new play toy?). If Karate Kid is going to a family event she now asks if Aunt Anastasia is going. She’s only five years old and wants to play with me or sit on my lap at the table. I’ve now met some of Karate Kid’s cousins and he wants to organise a group bike ride and picnic afternoon one weekend.
Diary, I don’t really have a clear plan with Karate Kid anymore. I’ve decided to wait and observe for the next few weeks/months until I feel compelled to make a decision. I feel that there’s no rush now that I have my life plan decided upon.
IMAGE: [JANA GUOTHOVA] 123RF.COM