Dear Diary

So. I almost wrote to you recently but was embarrassed to be writing again about the pattern that Karate Kid and I cycle through. You know the one:

• He does something thoughtless or inappropriate and I get upset.
• I bottle it up and then explode and tell him to get out of my life.
• He then drops everything and runs to me to prove he cares.
• With some resistance I eventually forgive him.
• He improves his behaviour, but still goes back to being self-serving and thoughtless.
• I tell you about it.

I guess what was different about this time was that I asked him to move out. I was also upset again the next day despite his soothing empty words from the night before that successfully pacified me from the first rage attack. I sent more rage-filled messages to him the next day when I grasped reality again.

Let’s start with the background. He has been so loving and tentative the past two weeks. I was really surprised with the change in behaviour that I thought he’d finally understood how I wanted to be treated. He would do things like voluntarily make me breakfast before work (just toast, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers), pack away the dried washing, he cooked food one night and he has also called me ‘darling‘ and ‘honey pot‘ for the first time.

It all sounds too good to be true right? Well, last Tuesday evening the reason became apparent. He was taking Thursday, Friday and Monday of work to go to [the dance congress]. This would normally be reasonable, but it’s how he managed the situation that is wrong. My upcoming rage-filled messages will fill you in on why…..

He promised that he’d call on the Thursday night he got down there. He sent me a silly message instead: “*poke* *poke* *poke* :p“. That was at 9 p.m. and I was unimpressed that it lacked the phrases “I’m sorry for being a jerk” “I miss you” “how was your day?” “I miss you like crazy” “I can’t wait to talk to you. Can I phone you now?“. So, I decided to roll back over and go to sleep without replying. He did try phoning me 40 minutes later, but I was fast asleep.

The next morning I sent a ‘reply’….It said “Enjoy your holiday!“. Bambi and Thumper taught me that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. He sent a message at 2 p.m. “Hi wabbit, I hope work is good for you today. Thinking about you. Xo.”

My first thoughts were “Such a shallow message. No ‘I miss you’ and no ‘I’m sorry for hurting you because you’re obviously upset’.” So, I decided to wait until I got home from work and sent “Enjoy your wknd!”. He didn’t try to contact me after that.

The next morning was Saturday morning. Saturday morning was when I snapped. This is what I sent:

“I’ve been thinking and I think it’s best for you to move out on Monday when you get back. Space will be really healthy for me to get my life priorities back on track.

I want a boyfriend that loves, respects and appreciates me. Someone who is so excited to tell the world I’m their lady. Someone who updates their FB status to say they’re in a relationship. Someone who occasionally posts couple shots of us. Someone who changes their profile pic to a couple shot with me in it. I want romance. I want to be taken out to a nice restaurant occasionally. I want lovey dovey text messages or notes around the house. I want surprise flowers and chocolates, just because.

I want someone who does this naturally without me having to ask. I don’t even need all of it, just a couple of those things would mean the world to me….importantly, I need someone who does it because they love me and someone who feels compelled to say ‘I love you’ after a year of dating.”

Two hours later he replies:

“Anastasia, where are you now?

Whenever we meet ppl, i introduce you as my gf. I make posts about us but you remove the tag or not even like the photos. I paid for the photos of us at things (i.e. the show last month) so we have a record of that memory. Becuase those memeories are special to me.

It hurts me when i was uninvited to your chirstmas work function. It hurt me when you wanted to change restaurants because your workmates might see us.

There are no photos of us in your wall. I too want a gf that too want to tell the world about me.

I spend time with you riding and walking, exporing and eating at markets. I made fried rice so you would get hungry while I’m away.

I saw all the dancing couples here at [the dance congress]. I wanted you here so we can have a great time. I even enquired about party pass and wanted to chat to you to tell you to come down and not worry about the money as i will pay for it. But you didn’t answer my phone. Those message were so cold that you sent me.

I arrange for us to have picnics (which has never happened), hot pot (once), do fun things (not romantic, because I’m his bro) I even went around this city looking for tandem bikes so we can ride (just because he knows he’s in trouble).

I drove an hour back here and will drive back down if you don’t respond in time.

Bad timing will have it that I walked through the door about a minute later as his texts hadn’t come through to my phone. If only I had been delayed I would have been lucky enough to have missed him completely. I was out having a dental device fitted by Mr Nice Guy because I have been grinding my teeth at night and get infrequent jaw pain that wakes me up at night. Whilst I was at Nice Guy’s workshop, I was a bit teary about having to send the strongly worded message to KK and had explained to Nice Guy what was going on. As you’d expect, he was very comforting and listened to everything. We had a group event planned to go to a food festival that afternoon so after my dental device impressions were taken we rushed back to my place so that I could greet other friends joining us.

It was a rude shock finding Karate Kid at home. He had his keys in his hands about to leave as I walked in. Our eyes met and I gave him an icy look. He beckoned me into the bedroom and sat on the bed and tapped it for me to sit down next to him. This is when I started frothing at the mouth. I wasn’t going to sit quietly and listen to his excuses and empty promises. I raised my voice and told him that I have never been his girlfriend and that he’s never been my boyfriend. He said that that wasn’t true.

I stormed into the living area and he followed me. I told him that I was sick of hearing whispers about people witnessing him getting too touchy with other women on the dance floor (Mr Nice Guy had just said that is female housemate had noticed KK being too friendly with another girl at a dance party not that long ago). As I was saying this I drew the curtains to the courtyard and Mr Nice Guy was standing waving at the gate…..It was a very awkward moment. He saw that I was tense and had been in a heated conversation with Karate Kid. I was also embarrassed having been caught yelling.

I let Mr Nice Guy in and he decided to sit outside by himself in the sun because ‘he needed some vitamin D’. Karate Kid went to the bedroom and sat there hoping I’d go in to talk to him. I announced to Mr Nice Guy that KK would be going down to [the dance congress] soon and that he’d only come back to pick up some things that he forgot.

Whilst we were all waiting in separate areas, I quickly texted KK a message:

“Too little too late. Go enjoy dancing with all the women there and see who’s pants you can get into.
You’re single as you ever have been. You done even have to change your profile because it still days you’re single and no one suspects that you’re in a f@*&-buddy relationship“

Eventually the third friend arrived and we all said goodbye. Karate Kid looked heartbroken when I waved goodbye and told him that I’d see him somewhere some time. I didn’t care if it hurt him because he had shown no regard for my feelings.

On our way walking to the food festival, a message came through from Karate Kid:

“You are my gf. I introduced you to my family. I made it into the semi finals of the dance competition at [the dance congress] and dropped all that to come back.

I’m not sure who is telling you about dancing because I hardly danced last night, and I hardly dance. I don’t cross any line because we are together.”

I spent the next few hours eating and talking with my friends. I really enjoyed the distraction of their company but found myself feeling sad and conflicted when I had idle moments.

A few hours later, I got home and sent Karate Kid a reply to his previous provocative text message…and all the messages after are in succession over the space of 90 minutes and mixed between text message and FB messenger (I know, I was out of control, I’m ashamed of myself now, I was in a rage of anger at the time):

“I told myself after our first conversation 6 months ago about this that I’d allow couple photos of us on my profile when I felt like I was your girlfriend. That day never came. I feel like I’m convenient for you, and very far from being the love of your life. That’s fine, just be honest with us both that you’re keeping your options open because I’m not the one you want to be with long term.

You even said it yourself that you wear the pants and lead. You still have your profile as single and nothing to suggest that you were in a committed relationship. Shy Guy has his status updated. So does Shy Guy’s girlfriend. So does Polar Bear. So does Polar Bear’s girlfriend. XX would too if YY had an acc. It’s not my responsibility, it’s yours as the man.

When I say respect, I mean telling me before you buy the tickets that you want to go to [the dance congress] and that it’s important to you. Not announcing two days after that you’ve bought them.
Respect that you don’t joke about getting a day off work to spend with me.
Respect that you tell me in advance that you were taking 3 days off work to go to [other city].
Love and appreciation to do something romantic for me just to surprise me. Something romantic. Anything. But it never comes to mind to you because you don’t see me as a romantic love interest. I’m just a convenient f@*&-buddy who does chores and lets you do whatever you want whenever you want because you don’t prioritize me or my feelings. I don’t need much, KK. But I need to at least feel respected, appreciated and loved. Not much to ask, but too much to ask of you.

Do you know why I dislike [the dance congress] so much? It’s because you ripped my heat out last year by saying I wasn’t considered part of the group and that’s why I was in separate accommodation, and for saying you didn’t want a relationship with me and that you were only see how far you could get with me. I felt so cheap and dirty.
[the dance congress] was horrible for me last year. I hated it. Why would I pay $300+ to go again?

Nice Guy said that he suggested to help pay for my ticket with you so that I could go this year and you said no. I actually would have gone if you’d gotten my ticket as it would have shown how much you wanted me there and would have made up for the disregard you have shown me in doing whatever you want whenever you want with lack of consideration for me and my feelings. Boyfriends do nice things like that.

*untag photos of us on Facey*

Telling me on Tuesday night to drive myself down on Friday night so I can sit around the hotel room while you dance was a cop out. You didn’t want me there. You felt bad for ditching me again like all the other times you ditch me to go out. If you want to take me out for a nice dinner at [other city] you should just plan it like a boyfriend would. You’re too busy going out dancing too fit dates with me in. The last date we went on was before my China trip. No photos of that up on your album…..I actually looked really nice and dressed up that night.

When you put my hair in my face like a moustache it reminds me of the photo of you doing it to Plain Jane Peasant Maiden. You don’t treat me any different to any other woman in your circle of friends.

I’ve never said it before, but I did see the box for the sex toy you had in the boot of your car the first day that you moved in. You went all weird and said you’d clean it out the next day and promptly closed the boot. It had a picture of a lady riding a man with some sort of belt around her waist. I do often wonder who you used it with and if you still meet up with them. You do stay out late a lot.

Remember the other week when you ditched me to go out dancing and said you’d only be an hour. You came back 4hrs later because you stopped to get late night fast food by yourself on the way home.

I’m ready to talk now. You’re always on your phone. Why haven’t you texted since you came back to get your things that you’re sorry? You never say that you’re sorry.

I’m about to go out for the night so won’t be able to talk.
Enjoy your weekend. You’ll be able to do the dance competition next year and also try at other dance congresses. I know that it’s really important to you so this minor setback won’t get in your way. I’m sorry for ruining your weekend.
If you decide to apologise back you’re welcome to. I’d love to hear you say sorry for once.

*untag photos of us on Facey*

For the record, I’m a very reasonable and lenient girlfriend. You just abused it. I never had a problem with you doing things. I had a problem with how you had no regards for me or my feelings and did whatever you want when you want.

Via Messenger: I’ve sent you a few messages via text. I’m not sure what you wanted to tell me when you came home today to pick up the things you forgot.

Via Messenger: If you had phoned before you came I could have told you that I was going to be out for the day. Save you your time and energy to enjoy [the dance congress] more.

Via Messenger: I heard on the radio the other morning about how partners do nice things just before they break the news that they want to do something. I thought the past two weeks that you had transformed into this amazing tentative boyfriend. You started making me breakfast and helping out around the house. That all stopped on Wednesday after you broke the news to me and I’d said I wasn’t driving myself down to [other city] to sit around like a lost puppy waiting for you whilst you have fun. You were only being extra helpful and caring because you felt bad.

*attempted calling him x 2*

Be a man

Talk

I know that you’re ignoring me. I can see you’ve been online.

*untag photos of us on Facey*

You could have had some respect to tell me you were coming up today. I had no idea that you were home.

*attempted calling him x 2*

Via Messenger: This is the photo that I’ve been waiting to post up on my wall the day you finally acknowledge me on FB as your gf. I love this pic but it has no place when you don’t want to admit to the world that you’re dating me.

Via Messenger: I’d probably even put it as a profile pic, but wouldn’t have done so until you made the first move (like men are supposed to do)

Via Messenger: I know you’re online and ignoring me.

Via Messenger: You never had respect for me KK. Admit it

Via Messenger: Just say to me that I was just a convenient f@*&-buddy to you. Just admit it.

*attempt to call him again*

*de-friend him on Facey*

I was ready to talk now.

The best part of all is that you’ll never say sorry because you’re not. You’ll be playing the victim saying that I’ve treated you so badly when you’re the one who has no regard.

The next time I tried calling him he actually answered. I didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have a chance to say anything before I hung up on him…..so awkward. I waited for him to phone back and then said “So finally, you answer your phone!”.

The conversation over the phone went for about an hour as I was getting ready to go out with some girlfriends. The first part was me angrily venting at him and telling him all the things that he’d done wrong. He wanted to drive up that night to visit me but I told him to stay where he was because it’d be too late at night and he’d spent a lot of money to be down there for the weekend.

At the end of the phone call, he had managed to pacify me somewhat. He wanted to talk again when I returned home from my girl’s night out. He sent the following around midnight whilst I was out:

“Hi anastasia, i have read what you wrote. I understand i have hurt you. We should of talked about [the dance congress], about dancing, changed fb status, future. Thats my fault. I will ensure we talk about things in the future. I have tried to update the status but you have removed me as a friend. Buzz me if you’re still awake.“

I had been drinking so was easy to pacify again when we spoke over the phone. He said that we could do a picnic lunch on Tuesday because I had the day off work and I could come to meet him at his office. He asked that I send a picture of me tucked up in bed for him. I did at the end of the phone call and he eventually sent:

“Good night sleeping Beauty. Xo.”

The alcohol had definitely worn off by the next morning. I did a few things around the house and then realised that Karate Kid had not been in contact with me….even after me blasting him the day before about treating me more like his girlfriend.

At 11.30 a.m. in the morning, I sent the following:

“Good morning my darling. I hope that you slept well. I’m glad that we got to talk last night. It was good to get things out in the air. I’m sorry that I’ve not been considering you and that make actions show that I don’t prioritize you.
I miss you and I want you to know that you were the first thought I had when I woke up this morning. I wanted to be the first to wish you good morning.
I love you. Xo

…….That’s what I’d like to wake up to.”

It took me about 20 minutes before I got really angry again and started texting with limited self-restraint:

Tuesday I’m busy.

Today I’m busy. Monday night I’m busy.

I’ll agree to see you again when you start treating me like I’m a priority and girlfriend.
I know you’ve been in your phone at least 20 times today.

I found it interesting how you accidentally called me ‘Plain Jane Peasant Maiden’ instead of ‘Anastasia’ your girlfriend on the phone last night too

I see The Model is down there this weekend too. How about you flirt with her and try to kiss her behind curtains like at [dance party in 2017]. How about you get a photo with her to and upload it asap to your profile because you’d rather advertise her on your wall.

It’s really time for you to move back home. You’ve made it clear over and over again that you have no desire to want a future with me. I don’t have time to waste on someone who takes me for granted.

You can leave the keys in my letterbox tomorrow when you’ve finished packing your stuff

*Sign in to Facey and block him*

An hour after I had started texting him, he tried to call me and then replied:

Good morning daring. I have been in workshops. I loved the chat we had last night, i enjoyed it more then the dancing. I have been thinking about you. I miss you.

You’re are a priority…. why do you think i drop the competition to come back and see you? Why do you think i skipped dancing last night to chat to you? Why do you think i was willing to drive back home to see you?

Pickup the phone.

I replied “No”

An hour later I was ready to talk, so sent:

“KK’s priorities:
1. His phone that he’s addicted to
2. His family
3. Work
4. Facebook
5. Online games / Dance parties
6. His first tier friends
7. Dance events
8. Watching youtube updates on movies
9. His second tier friends
10. Checking phone multiple times an hour
11. His third tier friends
12. FB friends
13. Dance parties
14. Damsels in distress because you can get in their pants easier
15. Any event of interest
16. The Model
17. Plain Jane Peasant Maiden and other dance girls who he’s sexually attracted to “I do find her attractive. I find lots of girls attractive”
18. All the flirty girls he has pics up of on his wall of shame
16. Junk mail in inbox
17. Average dance parties
18. Me
19. Thinking about the future“

He didn’t reply to that message. An hour later, I sent another message:

“I’ve finished crying now. I can talk and hear you make up excuses for why you’re not accountable for anything“

An hour after that, he finally replied:

“I am packing up and driving back home. We will chat later.“

I promptly responded:

“I’m going out with XX tonight. I won’t be home til later.“

I then got changed and went out to meet one of my friends for dinner. I took my time as I was in no rush to speak with Karate Kid. I knew that he wouldn’t have anything more than usual to say.

---

 

So. When I got home, Karate Kid was surprisingly still there and surprisingly relaxed and smiling. He greeted me with a hug and I kept cold and frowned. He started with small talk and asked who I’d been out with and where we went. After that, he said that he’d like to talk about everything with me in detail for as long as it needed to take.

My memory is starting to fade, but he pretty much said that he agreed that he hadn’t been doing things right by me. I wasn’t ready to forgive him yet. I repeated that there was something seriously wrong with him not updating his FB profile relationship status. He said that he was ready to change it when I unblocked him. I needed more time before that would happen – I needed to know what his intentions were long-term before anything more happened.

I told him that I can visualise him as a good husband and great father. I told him that if we had children that they would be so proud of their father. They’d be proud that he used to be a great dancer, that he used to be a great martial artist, and that he works hard every day to provide for the family. Karate Kid smiled at this and hugged me. I told him that I didn’t care if he didn’t climb higher into management, I was proud of him already and felt that he had excellent work-life balance.

When I asked him about proposing and marriage he told me the most messed up thing that evoked a strong reaction in me. He told me that he wasn’t ready to propose to me because he wanted to get better at dancing, just like he used to be. I lost it at that point. I pushed him away and started crying. He tried to hold me and so I kept pushing and pushing him back. What the? Like seriously, Dear Diary, what the?

When I had calmed down a bit, he went on to say that he didn’t feel himself and that he was out of touch with the dance scene. I challenged him by saying “It sounds like to me that you are having problems with your identity……KK, do you honestly think that you’re not worth loving if you’re not a dancer? Don’t you realise that you’re more than enough as you are?”

We both looked at each other and cried. We embraced and then I told him that people will still accept him whether he dances or not, because he is KK.

Somehow after that the conversation changed to using ‘I love you’. Even though I didn’t want to be the first to say it, I did indirectly. He reciprocated. I told him that I’d wanted to say those words to him for a long time. We kissed. I then said it again with more conviction and starred him in the eye so that he knew that I meant it. He repeated the words to me, but softer and with tears in his eyes.

---

 

One would think that all that was enough to end the argument…right? Well, Anastasia has snapped and she isn’t letting this go, not this time, not until she gets what she is after – closure.

The next day (Monday morning) things were beautiful in the morning. We both said good morning and ‘I love you’ before leaving for work. He had the day off but was sick so spent it at home.

I felt so bad about what I’d said to him and wanted to show how much I cared about him, so sent this message on my break:

“Hello cuddly raccoon. I forgot to mention that the cough mixtures are in the cupboard if you need it. I hope that you’re feeling better.

I do appreciate all the kind and thoughtful acts that you’ve displayed since we have been dating. 

You’re my Aladdin. You’re a diamond in the rough. I love you for you. Xo”

He later sent:

“Hi Jasmine. It was good chatting last night. The more we talk about these things the more our relationship grows stronger.

You are beautiful. I appreciate all the things you have done for me.

I am feeling unwell. Hopefully you come back home soon. I look forward to seeing you.

Love you. Xo.”

I went home that night and I decided that we needed to talk about dancing. I told him that he and I would be doing a duet at [the dance congress] next year. He said no and that he needed time to prepare. I said that he was more than ready as he’s been dancing for long enough and has done enough performances. He said no again and that he wanted to do another group performance first and then build up. I said he wouldn’t learn anything more form that or grow as a person as he has been in 8 official performance – more than enough. I told him that he could teach if he really wanted to.

We listened to music and I selected some songs that we could perform to. We also discussed if we would go to [the dance congress] the next year. That night was the last night that there was a sale on for cheap tickets. I said that I’d be happy to go next year. He purchased the tickets later that night and I transferred the money to him.

---

 

Tuesday morning……Tuesday morning he had to go to work. I had the day off still but not intention of meeting him for a picnic. I still wasn’t ready to give up without an answer – he hadn’t given me a definite response to when we were going to get engaged and married.

In bed, he tried to warm me up for some pre-work sexy fun time. I wasn’t in the mood though. It fizzled and he said that he didn’t have time anyway as he had to be at work early that day. Just then before getting up, I told him that we weren’t going to update any relationship statuses on FB yet until I knew if we were getting engaged.

I know that it is really intense, Dear Diary, but I’ve gently brought this conversation up a few times in the past and he keeps avoiding it. I wasn’t going to let him do it again, this was it. He squirmed and said that he was planning to talk to me about it later that evening. I said that he should be able to say it then and there or the previous evening when he had plenty of time. I told him that it meant that he had no intention of proposing. He told me that I didn’t understand and that he didn’t have enough money. I told him that I don’t expect anything expensive.

It was clear that he didn’t want to talk about it but I pushed harder. I told him that he should be the one approaching me after so long because I’d already mentioned that I had time frames. He was well aware of those time frames. I pushed him hard enough that he said that maybe it was best if he did move out. I told him that if he did it meant that he was giving up and that it was over. He said that he’d looked through our messages from the start and had noticed how things had changed after we moved in together (this validation made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t making unreasonable accusations).

I told him that we both weren’t young anymore. I told him that he needed to start thinking about starting a family soon as he would likely be old when his children were in their teenage years. I told him that he still needed to pick up his health so that he would be fit and able-bodied enough to keep up with children when he got older. He looked at me offended and shocked. I then elaborated and said that he needed to keep using the sleep apnoea machine, exercising and eating well otherwise he’d be sick in his holder years. I may have gone too far saying this, Dear Diary, but I wanted him to have a reality check too that he wasn’t young anymore. He is older than I am and he should be just as worried about missing the boat when it comes to starting a family.

He then told me that his friends that he’d spoken to had commented that we’d moved in together to soon…..I slammed this statement by saying that that wasn’t the case – they had no idea that we had been dating for almost a year because he didn’t want to tell anyone about us for so long! I told him that we had moved in together at the perfect time.

He said that it was hard for him to say when he could propose to me because he hadn’t worked for the first ten years of his career. I told him that that was a long time ago and that he had been working solidly since. I told him that he needed to let the past go and to stop let it defining him.

The TRUTH finally came out. The truth that has been hindering him for so long from being a decent boyfriend. He finally told me that he hadn’t told me that he does have more debt than what he had told me about before (information that I had to force out of him). I knew about his university debt, but I didn’t know about a loan and credit card debt that he has.

I looked at him in the eye. He was sheepish and ashamed. I told him that he should have told me ages ago so that I could help him. He told me that I earn more than him and that’s why I’m better off. I told him that it was nonsense and that he does earn good money. He just needs to manage his finances better.

I then told him that he should not have go to [the dance congress] on the weekend because he can’t afford it – it can wait! I told him that he shouldn’t have committed to the group accommodation – because trips like that can wait. I told him that we would not be doing a performance course because he can’t afford it, and that we would do our own choreography instead because it’s cheaper and we both have enough skill and talent. He smiled. He then said that his martial arts classes cost a lot of money also. I said that he could go down to one casual class a week and that he could pick it back up when he had some of his debt cleared.

At that point, he said that he was going to be late for work. I said that I’d drive him there so that he’d make it on time. He showered whilst I made his breakfast and packed his lunch. The drive there was tense. I told him that he’d need to be completely open and honest with me that night when he got home so that we could do calculations and work out how to eliminate his debt within the next 6 – 12 months. He was numb and with no expression. I worried how he would go at work that day and if he’d come home that night.

I was determined to help him eliminate his debt for good. I told him that money issues are the number one reason for relationship dysfunction and that he needed to sort it out so that he could have a happy future – be it with me or any other person. I told him that he’s been living with this choker around his neck and that he wouldn’t be his true self until he was in charge of his money. He remained silent.

I then asked him “So, how does it feel knowing that today is the day that you start the process to get out of debt?”. He said it felt good. Phew – he was actually listening and still receptive. I told him that I wouldn’t have judged him earlier on if he had told me. I said that he if had been upfront that we could have worked on eliminating his debt much earlier and he would be in a completely different position right now.

I then dropped him at work and he got out of the car. I didn’t know if he was going to say goodbye because he seemed so cold and withdrawn. He did look back before he closed the car door to catch a kiss that I blow for him each day. Phew, Diary, he’s still here with me.

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Dear Diary, this last just happened now. I have no idea how much debt Karate Kid is in and how long it will take to get him out of it. I have had a little bit of time to reflect. I realised that my behaviour in the past few days may mean that I push him away and that we never progress to the happy ending that I’d like.

What I did realise was that maybe my purpose in this relationship in the big scheme of things was to help Karate Kid. Maybe it has been some divine plan to help pick him up and dust him off so that he has a chance at a happy life. I may not be the love of his life, but I was the one that cared about him enough to show him that someone is capable of loving him.

I’ve helped Karate Kid in so many ways. I encouraged him to get his sleep apnoea machine, to get his blood pressure under control (which used to be high risk of stroke, heart attack and kidney disease, to now being perfect), to exercise more and eat healthier (he has lost weight and has a healthy glow), to donate blood to help others, to get his very first passport, to treat the dermatitis on his legs and hands (I have put cream on him nearly every night since we have lived together), to start saving money (he had no savings up until recently), and probably other things.

Maybe the last thing that I need to do is save him from debt. He does trust me. He finally told me the other week how much his salary was. He even said during our conversation today that I know more about him than anyone else and that he doesn’t really have close friends or close family members. Like always, Dear Diary, my love for him is unconditional and I still accept him even though he feels alone in this world.

The dynamics have completely changed after this weekend. I have a feeling that he does not feel adequate enough to be in a relationship with me any longer. I am more pressure on him than he can handle at the moment. I’ll still help him because that’s what friends do.

I’ll write to you soon, Dear Diary.

Anastasia xo

 

 

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