Empathy Rage – Entry 207

Dear Diary

Before we get to the exciting parts, I wanted to touch on the topic from the last entry. I left you with some advice that I hope that you’ve considered. Since then, I’ve had some time to further explore the topic of asset protection for myself.

I still strongly encourage you to look at what assets you have compared to your prospective partner if you’re dating. If there’s a discrepancy and you are the one who has more to lose then please reflect on this rhetorical question: Do you think that divorced people once thought that their ex-partner was the most trustworthy person and least likely to do harm towards them? (otherwise why would they have chosen them as a life partner?).

Okay, okay, I’ll admit it. The rhetorical question was also a loaded question. But the truth is that when you’re single is actually the best time to set up protection in the form of trust structures. It’s the opportune time as family law courts can’t prove that you set up the structures to protect yourself from your current partner.

If you’re already dating someone, then using the stalling technique of postponing living together until you’ve got your stuff sorted is my best advice to you.

If you’re already naively living with someone and don’t have your stuff sorted and have just come to the realisation that you’re vulnerable (i.e. me) then you have four options:

  1. Continue on and hope they never make a claim against you
  2. Negotiate a prenup (which could lead to a break up as it’s a very awkward and touchy subject)
  3. Break up with them before you’re legally defacto status
  4. Think outside the square

I have decided to go with a combination of options 1, 2 and 4 for now. I have 18 months before we are legally defacto, so option 1 and 4 are in play for the next six months. After this, option 2 will likely come into play as the clock is ticking.

So what is my plan? Well, Dear Diary, I need to set up an asset protection structure that is external to me. A business. If I set up a business and then pay profits into a trust that eventually pays me, there should be enough metaphorical distance between me and the asset (the business). The challenging part is setting up a business….watch this space.


 

I had a conversation with a good friend the other day. She asked me how things were going with Karate Kid and if I was finally going to break up with him. What came out of my mouth afterwards shocked me, but in a good way.

About two weeks ago, I had another meltdown moment with Karate Kid. The house was a cluttered mess with crumbs and cold teas and coffees on each bench……and it wasn’t because of me. It had been spotless the day before when it was last cleaned. I told Karate Kid that I was happier when I was single as I didn’t have so much to clean and prepare. My life had become more complex and difficult since he moved in. I said that I couldn’t evolve and get ahead in life if all I did with my spare time was cook, grocery shop and clean up after him. I also pointed out that it wasn’t right that I was falling out of shape from neglecting myself whilst he was losing weight because I was looking after him. I told him that I didn’t think that I wanted children as it’d mean that life would get really difficult and I wasn’t prepared to carry a whole family on my own back.

Karate Kid reassured me that he was trying. He said that he was trying to learn to use the washing machine…..it has been six months living together and he still doesn’t know how because he doesn’t bother to learn or try. Anyway. It got to the point where we were sitting together and we came to the conclusion that it was best for him to move out. He paused for a long time after he made the suggestion and waited for my reply. I could see him trying to study my face to call my bluff. After a long silence I said “I’ll miss you”. Tears started welling in my eyes and he hugged me.

It was a bit awkward as I kept chopping vegetables and tidying up whilst he slowly (turtle pace) packed up his things. I felt really guilty and mean, but knew it was best for me for him to leave. We could still date, but only one or two nights a week when I had time.

We had things that we needed to do that day. We did them and as the day went on, Karate Kid slowly evolved into something new. He became more tentative and supportive. He didn’t move out that day, and quietly, I’m glad that he didn’t. His behaviour has carried forward as well. He has taken on doing most of the washing up. He keeps the outside courtyard clean from leaves. He insists on hanging out the washing and cooking all breakfasts and more dinners. He even ran to the grocery store for me this morning to get the single ingredient I was missing. He bought me stunning roses at the markets and took me out to dinner two nights in a row. He is more protective of me (not overly, just precautionary gestures like walking between me and traffic, carrying heavy grocery bags for me or doing the driving). I think if you had to put it in a nutshell, you could say that he has been tamed.

Back to what I said to my friend’s questions. What are you going to do about Karate Kid? and does it still bother you that it’ll be years before he is out of bad debt and in a financial position to provide? This had bothered me up until recently. I don’t know when it changed, but something did change in the past few weeks. I responded to my friend “I don’t think any man would be able to give me what I want”.

I don’t think any man would be able to give me what I want. Wow – who would have thought I’d ever say that and mean it? What I meant when I said it was this; I am so focused on preparing my financial future at the moment that I won’t need to be dependent on a man. Any man that I date right now is just for companionship as they are not part of my future plans and do not affect the plans, whatsoever. I am the master of my future and all I need to do right now is focus on my growth.


 

Now for the goss. So, my newly single friend had a falling out with the the guy that said ‘I love you‘ to her. Yes, he used the ‘L’ word after only two months of casual dating. What man says ‘I love you‘ after a couple of months of dating without meaning it? Men generally aren’t that forthcoming with their feelings. For both men and women, it’s not a phrase to be abused, watered down and just be thrown around – it’s significant and meant to come from the heart.

I sat on the fence for a while at the start delaying judgement on him. I didn’t trust the guy, but he did do some really nice gestures to my friend which made me second guess my gut instinct. He was even posting and tagging photos of them both on his Facey account. No update of relationship status, though.

The reason why I didn’t like him was that he was still opening talking to his ex-girlfriend. I mentioned this in the last entry and how inappropriate their ‘platonic’ online conversations were. If he really ‘loved’ my friend, he’d ditch the ex-girlfriend who he wasn’t that close to anyway. It’s not like she is his best friend.

Anyway, back to the more interesting stuff. The guy goes away on holidays to beautiful, sunny Europe for a month. They have the conversation about continuing to see each other when he returns…but not hard rules or commitment. A few days into his trip, my friend sends me a message with a photo. She asks me if I’d be upset if Karate Kid liked a photo of the following girl…..

Day 1:

Day 1

The guy had liked this photo. There was another group photo of him with her and other people having dinner somewhere. I told my friend that Karate Kid would be in trouble if he liked a photo like this of a girl that he’d just met whilst dating me.

I tell my friend to refrain from de-friending him, throwing out the flowers he left for her the day he flew out, and untagging all their photos. I told her that they weren’t technically in a relationship and that he likely hadn’t committed any dating crime….yet. I then told her that she needed to sign in to her online dating account and go and organise some dates with other men to distract herself and be open to meeting someone better for her. I also told her to treat herself to something nice, like a manicure or massage.

My friend did her best to follow my sound advice. The next day she logged onto social media and saw the following photo. My friend can be fiery at times and had a momentary lapse of self-control when she saw that the guy had liked this new photo of the same girl.

Day 2:

Day 1

His paraphrased response to her message was (my comment in brackets):

What are you talking about? I’ve done nothing wrong. All I did was make some friends with some fellow travelers because I’m traveling. I’m not going to hide in my room and not talk to anyone. You’re being completely unreasonable. I’m seeing another side of you that I never thought existed. I don’t understand why you’re so upset? (dramatic, much?)

By analysing this response, Dear Diary, we can safely confirm that we are dealing with an under-evolved member of our species. Perhaps, for some, it does take a degree in rocket science to fathom that the girl that you’re dating would feel jealous if you like a photo of a different half-naked girl.

I was also upset by the disrespect that this chump was showing my friend. I tried to console her:

I’d be upset too if KK liked that picture. Told you he’d deny it that he hasn’t done anything wrong. Until he sleeps with her it’s not considered cheating in his mind….and if he does sleep with her he’d lie to you about it, anyway.

I love how he got on his soapbox. I’d leave him cold, babe. Focus on other more capable men. He’ll never be able to provide for you the way you deserve (reference to a previous conversation before this mess when I was trying to tell her that I thought she could do much better than him). Date time! On Tinder now haha

P.s. you’ve crossed into crazy territory now. He may not want to see you when you get back. Men are like that. They don’t need closure and they turn off you pretty quick.

My friend was seeing red. She ignored this reasonable advice (as most women in a fit of rage likely would).

Their train-wreck conversation went on. He replied to her (My commentary in brackets):

I can’t video call just yet because it’s hard when you live in hostels with no privacy (sounds like an excuse to me, cough, cough).

I can see you are clearly upset but this is gone way over the top XX! (talk about dramatic) We had a good chat when I was in Mykonos and everything was fine. If I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t be sending you videos and photos of my holiday.

Now because I put a photo up you didn’t like you have turned into a different person (A photo of a bikini-clad girl that you’re fixated on).  I know it’s hard for both of us being away from each other and I know you miss me (where’s the part about him missing her? cough, cough). I care about you and I miss you so much (Okay, maybe I spoke too soon. I still think he’s a loser). I want my positive, happy XX back *emoji of girl and boy together* (His happy and positive XX? You mean you want her to be overjoyed that you’re being deceitful and disrespectful?)

Anyway, I hope you’re OK and we can get through this. X (Excuse me. You’re hoping she’s OK and that you can ‘get through this’? ‘THIS’! ‘This’ is his bad behaviour that he’s not taking responsibility for).

I phoned my friend and she came over for a few hours. I tried to distract her with other things and it seemed relatively successful. She would likely see the Italian Stallion in just over a week when he was back from working away with his current international pilot job.

Things were seeming good, until the next day…..My friend didn’t even send me text, just the following picture: Same girl. This time I was the one that began to rage. I was in my workplace dining room and said the first thing that came to my mind “I want to punch his face in”. Naturally, my colleagues were interested to know why I was so disgruntled. We had an informal forum. Privacy of parties involved was respected, apart from the girl in the photos. Everyone studied the three consecutive days’ photos before they gave their two cents.

The consensus was that the guy is a play-thing and that my friend should move on. His actions would have been considered justifiable only IF he had not proclaimed his love for her. The actions would have been justifiable, but he would still innately be an immature, disrespectful play-thing (= not a man).

Day 3:

Day 1

I wrote to my friend as soon as I received the message:

Now he’s just doing it to be a jerk. He should know after what you said that it’s not appropriate. He has not enough respect for you. He’s immature and stupid.

He’s blaming you by calling you crazy and saying that you’re overreacting and to stop because he doesn’t like to see the jealous side of you.

If he really care he’d acknowledge that his behaviour is disrespectful and rectify the behaviour…not blame you for overreacting”

My friend surprising demonstrated more self-control than I did on Day 3. She didn’t reply to his message (that she I know of, anyway).

Day 4:

Day 1

Yep. Same girl.

My response: “Seems as though he is obsessed with this chic. He really has no regard for your feelings.”

My friend only showed me a little snippet of what she sent to him:

….I have made up my mind – I’m seeing other people and removing you from FB

Best decision she’s made since meeting this guy, I say!

His reply (with my unsolicited commentary, again):

I’m sorry but you’re wrong. I’ve done nothing wrong (wrong? as in that you haven’t had sexual intercourse with her yet?) You’re way over the top and delusional (Mic drop – whaaaaat? did he just pull the ‘crazy card’ on my perfectly rational friend? Oh no he didn’t. I want blood. Such a pathetic little man to deflect responsibility by accusing my friend of being crazy rather than accepting that he shouldn’t be brazenly social-media-stalking other women).

You meant a lot to me (Melodramatic noob. Obviously it wasn’t enough to prevent you from ogling other women) and I was looking forward to give you a big hug when I get home. But I can’t be with someone like this (What a loser. He’s trying to make it look like breaking up was his idea). It’s hurt so much you acting this way (since when did he have feelings? and what do we care about his pathetic little fake melodramatic feelings). I’m a good person (no you’re not) and I don’t need to be treated like this (Oh my Lord, someone get this drama queen a tissue). Unless you want to work on your issues I can’t be with you (Issues? are you saying that my friend has issues?? How about I punch you in the face and we’ll see who has issues).

Take care XX!!!! “

I must say that I am happy with the final outcome, but sad about how it occurred. My friend is hurting and it hurts me to see her suffer. At least Loser is out of the picture so that she can move on. I asked her if she’d like me to bring ice cream or wine over to her place. She declined. I then encouraged her to go online and find more dates to distract herself with.

 

Less than a week later, my friend tells me that she has a date. On that same day, Loser tries to add her back on social media (karma is a beautiful thing. I hope that she just lets the request sit there indefinitely to drive him insane – who’s the crazy one now?’ she can say). My friend tells me that he has also has tried to send a private message and has liked pictures she posted in the past (which he chose not to like when they were dating).

To make matters more entertaining, Loser’s sister even sent a friend request on Facey to my friend. I asked her if she had ever met the sister, but she didn’t reply to my message. Either way, it’s still awkward as.

 

Talking about awkward. Do you remember the gorgeous charming Colombian that I wrote about many months ago? the one that I’ve known for years and he kissed me before I started dating Karate Kid? Well….turns out that he was the date that my friend went out with. She told me that I knew him from seven years ago (maybe she social-media stalked him). She then asked me what my thoughts were about him……Should I tell her that we had kissed once before? That’d be awkward. It’s highly likely that he won’t mention it to her and I don’t want to ruin her happiness. Decision made – I won’t tell her that I’ve shared a kiss with the guy that she’s dating.

To respond to her message, I said the following:

Hmmm he’s very dedicated to his work. Hard working. Not sure who he’d dated recently. I think he was in a relationship a few years back.

Good dancer. Always pleasant. He’s smooth too. Maybe not as smooth as Italian Stallion, but I’d go slow just to protect yourself.

I see him as someone that would commit to a relationship with the right person….but if he can have a bit of fun he’ll do that instead. In other words, if you let him, he’ll take advantage of you.”

Bullet successfully dodged – go me!


 

In other news, things are going well for Mr Nice Guy and his new girlfriend. They aren’t official yet, but he’s happy and she’s continuing to see him. They will be starting group dance classes together in the coming weeks.

I haven’t met her yet so it’s hard for me to make a judgement. From her stunning photos, however, I am curious as to how things will unfold. I do hope that it’s the happy ending that he’s looking for….but, she is very pretty and in much better shape than he is…..it makes me wonder how faithful she will be to him.

In the first entry that I mention her, I highlight that she comes with a lot of drama and baggage. I really do hope that Mr Nice Guy isn’t just an emotional dumping ground for her, or just a rebound option. Only time will tell.

Anastasia

 

 

IMAGE: [JANA GUOTHOVA]© 123RF.COM

One thought on “Empathy Rage – Entry 207

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