Deeper and Darker Confessions – Entry 202

Dear Diary

I hope that you’ve been well. There are a few updates since the last entry. I’m limited with time as Karate Kid will be home soon. My apologies in advance as I’ll likely not have a chance to proof read this entry.

After the China trip, The Twin sent me a message via Watsapp. He asked if my family and I made it home safely. I thought it was really sweet of him. I told him that we had and said that I hoped that he and his family had also made it home safe and sound….it did take me a day to reply, which may explain why I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been four weeks and I don’t think he will be contacting me again. I do wonder if my family mentioned Karate Kid in his presence whilst we were on holiday. Maybe he does know that I’m seeing someone.

On the same day that I heard from The Twin, The Spaniard also sent through a message with a meme only. It roughly translates to: I give you a kiss which will make make everything better.

IMG-20180514-WA0000

I sent a message back to The Spaniard soon after. I said: “Hehe this is very cute. I think that everything is better now. How are you?”. He never replied. I feel that this may be the last message that he ever sends. It’s been a year since we last saw each other. I have no intention of going back to see him again. I find it interesting that he never followed through with coming to visit me like he said he would in Holy Crapamoley entry 167 back in December.


 

As for Karate Kid, well, we did have a conversation after my return. We both had our grievances with the other not making contact. Karate Kid was feeling sorry for himself that he was left at home and thought that I was too busy having fun to think of him to send a message to say that I arrived. I was upset that he hadn’t bothered to send me a message at all to see how I was or if I arrived safely.

I expanded upon my reason for disappointment by saying that his messages were always cold. The most effort he’d ever put in were smiley faces – nothing romantic. Since that conversation, I can say that he has been putting ‘xo’ at the end of his text messages.

Karate Kid did end up collecting me from the airport as my flight was delayed by four hours. When he picked me up he had some flowers in the car to surprise me. I wasn’t as pleased about them as I would have liked to have been as he had gone to the markets to get flowers for this mother that same day and so just happened to be there and thought it’d be a good idea (I sincerely doubt that he’d have gone out of his way to get me flowers on his own accord). I know that this sounds negative, but it’s true that he doesn’t consider me that much. A perfect example of this was when we got home from the airport late in the day. He was still full from his family lunch that said that didn’t feel like eating dinner. There was hardly any food in the house and nothing decent for me to eat for dinner as he doesn’t do grocery shopping and had eaten everything that I had bough prior to the China trip. It hurt a lot because an hour after being home I realised that he didn’t care if I was hungry or not, he never asked. I had to go and rummage through the fridge to find something for myself to eat. For me, Dear Diary, organising dinner for your partner the night that they arrive home after an international holiday is something that should come naturally to anyone.


 

Let’s fast forward to now. I’m sorry to cut out a bit of the story. In summary, things have been up and down over the past few weeks. Something has changed internally for me though….I don’t know if it’s the light-bulb moment that we all know I’ve been needing, or if it’s just my fear of commitment.

About a week ago, I had a strong urge to contact Mr Nice Guy. My newly single friend has officially friend-zoned him and so is no longer an excuse for me not to imagine things with him. I really wanted to call him to ask him about what he wants in a partner and what he thinks of me. I already know the answers to these questions, Dear Diary. I stopped myself from contacting him as I believe that you should finish one relationship before jumping to the next.

I had a moment when washing the dishes a couple of weeks ago. I looked at Karate Kid whilst he was leisurely on his laptop and realised that I wasn’t certain if I’d accept a marriage proposal from him. I wasn’t sure if I’d want children with him either. Words of a good friend came to me:

“….. So you’ve moved in together with KK! things must be going very well indeed. It’s a great opportunity to learn about each other and learn about what he can contribute to your life as a partner. I hope that you are as happy as XX and I are.….”

Her words “What he can contribute to your life as a partner” really do hit home. Now that we live together I don’t have much time to unwind as I’m cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping or spending quality time with him. I don’t think he’s really contributed much other than company. I’ll admit to you, Dear Diary, that I do appreciate the company as I think I need it….but I want more than just that. I’m getting tired of hinting to him or spelling out how I want to be treated. Why doesn’t it come naturally to him? Is it because he doesn’t truly love me?

Love is another big issue. He cannot bring himself to tell me that he loves me. I don’t know if he ever will say those words. I would refuse a marriage proposal until I hear those words and believe them. But the frustrating thing is that I have to tell him that I want to hear those words. I am not going to beg him to love me. I sometimes have moments when I feel that I am ready to say it to him, where the words almost slip out but I catch them in time. Does he ever have those moments? most likely not as men aren’t as complicated as women, he’d just let himself say it if he really felt it.

I’ve been teaching him some good money habits. It’s actually really painful as he has no clue or motivation when it comes to managing his money. He is very guarded too. He knows all about my finances but doesn’t share anything about his. I didn’t force it on him either, but was the one that was happy to be nosy whilst I was looking at pay slips. He has told me that he has no savings at all.

We have spoken about having children….well, I forced the conversation onto him. I told him that I may not be able to provide children when he is finally ready for it. I also told him that I’m beginning to get tired of being the ‘man’ in the relationship and chasing him with the big questions. I told him that I want the man to be wanting to secure a relationship with me and be the one approaching me with these topics. Anyway, the gist that I got out of this conversation was that he is too preoccupied with his family and everything else external to be wanting children now. He also isn’t financially prepared enough (These all all my words, not his own, it’s hard to get a decent response from him to pointed questions).

Karate Kid has been exceptionally moody the past two weeks. I think it’s because he has missed some of the dance parties because we had other social arrangements. He becomes very cold and distant. I don’t like it at all, it makes me want to be somewhere else….or with someone else.

Last night when I was insisting that he set up his savings account he said to me “yes mother“. This wasn’t the first time that he’d said it. It hurts each time because to me it means a doomed relationship. If a man starts seeing you as his mother (because you’re doing all the cooking and cleaning and not putting your needs first…like I do) then they will cheat on you because no man wants to sleep with someone that reminds them of his mother. I read it in a book once, and I do believe it. I was tired and moody last night so I snapped and said to him “I’m not your mother”. He told me that he was joking and I said that I didn’t care. He came over to try to hug me and I scolded him again, I told him that I left the last significant relationship I had because I felt like I was the guy’s mother. I felt that I shouldn’t have said it but it was too late. But honestly, Diary, the truth is the truth, whether people want to hear it or not.


 

This week I am on-call with work. Last week, when I was stressing about what to cook for meals to survive this week he offered to look after the meals….fast-forward to the weekend just gone and he had completely forgotten about it. I’ve noticed that he has a habit of forgetting the promises that he makes. Maybe to him they aren’t promises, just fainthearted suggestions?

On a positive note, he has been trying to upload more photos of us together on social media. I haven’t been allowing any of the photos on my profile as I am not ready to advertise that we are officially a couple. Something just doesn’t feel right. I’ll admit, Dear Diary, it could be me playing mind games with myself. He’s not the first guy that I’ve convinced myself isn’t worthy of being with me for a lifetime. My reservations seem justifiable when I say them out-loud, but am I being too tough on the guy? Hmmmm likely not, he’s a pretty sub-optimal boyfriend. He hasn’t earned the label of ‘partner’ yet in my mind as we don’t work as a team. He’s just a boyfriend.


 

Let me tell you a little more about Mr Nice Guy. I realised that I’d missed his birthday and so called him to see if he had anything organised. He hadn’t. So I offered that we do something nice and he said definitely. He said he’d be happy with baked beans on toast and good company. I wanted to do more. I also had another friend (who he also knew) that had a birthday that I’d missed. I thought of a show that everyone would like and asked them both if they’d like to go to it. They both said yes and so we booked in a date. Karate Kid was involved in all the decision making too. He became very moody afterwards….there’s another potential reason for this that I’ll elaborate on soon.

When I phoned Mr Nice Guy to tell him about the plans he joked that his parents had been asking if I was single and that they’d both approve of me. I knew that there was a hidden message in this – he was saying that if I left Karate Kid and gave him a chance that he’d snap me up straight away. As Karate Kid was in the same room during this phone conversation I just laughed and said that they were very kind.

The night before the show Karate Kid and I had friends over. One is single and is finally ready to start dating. I had the idea that she may find Mr Nice Guy attractive. I asked if I could make a suggestion of someone to date and she sheepishly said yes. I suggested Mr Nice Guy and she asked immediately if he was seeing my newly single friend. I insisted that they were never an item and that nothing would ever happen between them. She seemed open to the idea but wanted to spend more time as friends first. I then did the hard sell and made sure that Karate Kid was taking notes. I told her that Mr Nice Guy would make a perfect partner because he is so tentative and caring. Nothing is a problem for him and you could rely on him. I told her that he’d treat any woman like a Queen and expect nothing in return. She asked what happened with his last serious relationship and I said that he’d be taken for a ride by someone who wanted more than he could give. It was true, she didn’t contribute much to the relationship and he never expected it. She just didn’t appreciate him at the end of the day. I don’t know enough of the details to be honest, but that is the little I do know (from what my newly single friend told me).

Immediately after suggesting Mr Nice Guy as a date for my friend I felt regret and mixed emotions. What was I doing? If a friend is interested in him, the girl-code dictates that he’s not available until one of them decides it’s not going to work. I may miss out on a chance to transition from Karate Kid to dating Mr Nice Guy…..I’m sure that Karate Kid was jealous of the admiration that I have for Mr Nice Guy as he has been moody since. I did deliberately put him on a pedestal to rub it in Karate Kid’s face all the things that he doesn’t do. I know it seems like a low blow, but Karate Kid isn’t open to talking about these things and appears to resistant to wanting to change.

I spoke to a close friend the next day about my thoughts. My close friend asked me if I’m ‘settling’ for Mr Nice Guy and how could I make such big assumptions when all I have are the fairy-tales in my head? My friend went on to ask me if I was sure that I would be happier if I was dating Mr Nice Guy? My friend was right, could it all be in my head? But surely, many other guys would treat me more romantically than Karate Kid does, right?

Fast-forward to the weekend. I drove to the show with Karate Kid, Mr Nice Guy and his female housemate. On the way, Mr Nice Guy asked me if I wanted children and how many. I felt that this was a very forward question in front of my boyfriend….but then I was happy I was being asked as Karate Kid wasn’t ever going to bring it up. It was as if Mr Nice Guy was sussing out if I was a match for him or not. When we stopped for petrol partway Mr Nice Guy told me that he also wanted children too.


 

Tonight, Karate Kid is at his class. Before starting writing this entry to you I had the urge to call Mr Nice Guy to talk to him again. Normally, I’m not impulsive. I wonder if he’s thinking about me and wanting to talk with me uninterrupted as well?

Any moment I am expecting Karate Kid home. If I wasn’t on-call I’d just get on my bike and go for a ride so that I am not home when he gets here. I just need some time and space for myself. I want to remember who I am again and treat my body like a temple.


 

In less intense news, here is a message trail with Mr Smooth I. He had asked me a month earlier if I was hiding as I hadn’t been out dancing. I decided that it was time to come clean and so replied the following:

Hello MSI 🙂 happy Sunday. That looked like an interesting party, thanks for the invite. Haha I haven’t been hiding 🙂 just occasional dance party and spending time with my boyfriend (new news hehe)

MSI: “haha, yes new news and one more on the list of “poor fellas😛 😛

Me: “hahahaha poor fella? hahahaha

MSI: “Haha, Well, he must have done something to deserve this 😛 😛
Well, glad you are happy, finally off the market and not causing trouble chasing innocent boys 🤣.
It’s just sometimes one has to step up and take one for the team, hi5 to that man”

Me: “LOL I won’t be telling him that he’s being such a good Samaritan


Karate Kid is home now. Will hopefully write to you soon.

Anastasia xo

 

IMAGE: [JANA GUOTHOVA] © 123RF.COM

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