Dear Diary

The metaphorical angel and devil on my shoulders have been playing tug-o-war a lot this week. I think that these are the moments that define you……before we get to that, let’s go over what happened this week.

The Chinese New Year Yum Cha celebration was fun. I wore my new pink traditional Chinese dress and was surprised at all the compliments I received. I honestly thought that I didn’t look that great in it but I loved the colour so just had to wear it. Karate Kid bought it for me because I originally opted for the standard red dress that was meant to be lucky. After buying it for me he started to get excited about me wearing ‘the pink dress’ for the week leading up to it.

At Yum Cha, Karate Kid was stand off-ish when I arrived. I think we were both annoyed at the other. I was annoyed at him for dragging the chain introducing me to his family and suggesting that he maybe see me on Valentine’s Day ‘if he had time’ after his family dinner…… He was annoyed at me for cancelling his last-minute ditch effort of a Valentine’s Day celebration after he cancelled Valentine’s Day for the said family dinner (which I wasn’t invited to). We also hadn’t seen it other all week because I secretly wanted space to see if he’d then have time to start organising a meeting with his family.

Close to the end of the meal, I felt more relaxed and less tense around him. I relaxed enough to put my hand on his knee and eventually he stroked my hair and put his arm on my chair. After the Yum Cha, we were meant to go and watch the Black Panther movie with other friends (including Mr Shy Guy) but the tickets were all sold out. Karate Kid and Mr Shy Guy had had an argument earlier in the week about how best to organise the movie event. It ended in Karate Kid declaring that he and I wouldn’t be going to the movie any longer. Childish, if you ask me, but I kept out of their bickering.

Karate Kid, Mr Nice Guy, a couple and I went to see the movie at a different cinema on the other side of the city. I sent Mr Shy Guy a message to apologise that we weren’t able to make it to his event. I felt so guilty, especially knowing the back story. I didn’t hear from Mr Shy Guy until the next day:

“I didn’t think you guys were coming, KK decided on yum cha after I made the event and so I moved it to late afternoon. I left it open to accommodate ppl and KK said I needed to be clear and got sh*tty and said that you both wouldn’t be going. Anyway I hope you had a good time, we did and 4 of us ended driving to XX place for dancing… sleepy! 🙂“

I was shocked that Karate Kid had dragged me into it, especially when I’d already RSVP’d as a ‘yes’ to the event. I waited until I had a moment to properly reply to him that day:

“Dancing in XX would have been fun! I would have loved that if I wasn’t working today haha

The plan was always to come to you guys in xxxxx. I even prebooked parking (screen shot of electronic receipt attached). For some reason I thought that it’d be a good idea to buy my ticket at the door because I don’t like buying them online. Turns out that that would have been a bad idea haha. We almost convinced xxxx too!
It was all sold out at xxxxx too so we had to go to xxxxx instead.

Organising group things is difficult because you can’t please everyone. I hope that you and KK get a chance to sort things out.

Hope you got some rest today 🙂“

I tried my best to not put more fuel on the fire and to also not get too involved. I think it helped a bit because he replied:

“”haha you didn’t need to screenshot, I trust you.

Thank you for always being so nice“

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Let’s get back to what happened after Yum Cha last Saturday. So, Karate Kid, Mr Nice Guy, a couple and I went to the cinemas. Mr Nice Guy and I spoke a lot and he shared with me something that made me happy – he’d tried to send my newly single friend sunflowers for Valentine’s Day!…but got his times mixed up and they were delivered to her workplace when she wasn’t there and then disappeared never to be seen again. He was organising another bunch of sunflowers to be delivered to her home that very night. I told him that this was really sweet and that next year he could send roses.

I had been wanting to suggest to my girlfriend to be open to the idea of dating him because I thought that they’d be a good match. I knew that she had started to see other people since breaking up, but wasn’t sure if Mr Nice Guy would be her type….This was a very positive sign and it meant that I didn’t need to do anything at all.

Mr Nice Guy asked me if I did anything for Valentine’s Day. I said no and he seemed suprised. He asked if I got flowers or something. I told him that Karate Kid had sent three roses the day after Valentine’s Day but that they didn’t count as they were ‘sorry flowers’. Mr Nice Guy didn’t know what to say so kept quiet. I changed the subject and told him that he’d need to take up jogging so that he could spend more time with my friend.

After the movie, we all went out for dinner at a Malaysian restaurant. Mr Nice Guy didn’t seem to be himself. I wasn’t sure if he felt uncomfortable with Karate Kid around. Karate Kid had tried to interrogate him earlier in the day by asking ‘So NG, tell us about your love life‘….what sort of question is that in front of a group of people? way too personal. I cut Karate Kid off and told him that it wasn’t appropriate to ask it in that setting. Later on, I whispered to Karate Kid that Mr Nice Guy had sent the flowers to our mutual friend and he got excited.

After the dinner, Karate Kid asked if I’d like for him to come back to my place to stay the night. I did have work the next day, but I missed seeing him and so said yes even though it was late and we were tired.

I was in two minds as to whether I should suprise him with the Valentine’s Day surprise that I got for him (but kind of for me also). It was a red baby doll lingerie dress with a red lace g-string. I ummed and arred on the way home and then decided that it was better to just wear it and wish him a happy Valentine’s Day even though he hadn’t done anything to celebrate with me. I ended up being the bigger person and wearing it in hope that he’d follow through and organise something for Valentine’s Day soon.

We didn’t really get to talk much before going to sleep. At 1a.m., he work up and announced that he’d drive home. He had just got his CPAP (breathing) machine that week and wanted to use it diligently. I felt really rejected on the inside. I wanted us to talk and to organise a meeting with his family. I wasn’t going to beg him to stay so I got up and showed him the door. I didn’t look happy when we said goodbye because I couldn’t force myself to pretend. We said goodbye and I closed the door. About three minutes later he phoned me. He wanted me to let him in. I opened the door and asked if he’d forgotten something and he said he had decided to stay the night. I told him that he could go home and that all I needed was to talk – we’d hardly communicated for a week. I suggested that we talk for a bit and then he drive home, but he said he’d stay the whole night.

We spoke about a few things and I brought up again my issue of him not wanting to introduce me to his family. I also pointed out that he didn’t say that he wanted children or children with me (completely different things) and that having picked baby names was not reassurance enough.

On a side note, Diary, I do not like the names that he has picked. At all. He has only picked girl names and wants to name them after video game characters and other things. He asked me the names that I liked and he also didn’t seem that excited by my suggestions. I also told him that I had wanted to call any future sons the name that his sister gave his nephew – that name was no longer an option if I end up with Karate Kid.

We went to bed and I was relatively satisfied with how the conversation went, but still not comforted in how things were progressing. The next morning I was tired at work and resentful that he had woken me up in the middle of the night. By the time I’d finished work I’d forgotten about my anger and asked if he wanted to go for a bike ride in the city and he agreed. He’s getting so much better, he doesn’t fall off anymore.

During the ride, I mentioned that because he didn’t want to go to China with me that I’d mentioned it to my family and that they were so excited by the idea. Karate Kid was happy to hear this which I would expect….he still didn’t show any interest in going somewhere with me or show any disappointment that he wouldn’t be sharing that experience with me. This hurt me a little more than what I was already hurting.

Later that night, I started typing a text message to my friend (the pregnant one who’s married to Karate Kid’s best friend). She’s the one that I spoke to last week about Karate Kid being reluctant and taking too long to introduce me to his family. She said that it’d taken her husband six months to do it, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that we’d been dating longer than that. This is the message that I haven’t yet sent:

“Hello lovely XX

How are you? I hope that you had a nice Valentine’s Day.

I wanted to ask your opinion on something. I was too embarrassed to admit the other day that KK and I have been dating since August last year….six months.

Was awkward and difficult at the start because he didn’t know what he wanted. It’s taken him this long (with my prompting) to tell a select few ppl that we are seeing each other.
He still doesn’t want hard photographic evidence online that we are together. He created an album with some pics of us after the last time I was so upset with him about it – but only he and I can see it exists.

I’ve forced him to discuss meeting each other’s families a few times now and he isn’t budging. He even declined my invitation to meet my family last wknd….really not sure what more I can do and how much more (this is where I stopped typing)”

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So that sounds pretty standard for dating Karate Kid, right? Well, things have gradually started to change in the past week and I’ve been suffering a lot internally with a moral dilemma….

In the past week, I’ve realised that I’ll likely not meet Karate Kid’s family for a long time. He did mention the ‘one month’ deadline that we’d discussed and I had to politely remind him that that was two weeks ago and that he only had two weeks left…..A few days later he told me that he’d been speaking with his sister and that she didn’t seem interested in having him and I go over to her place to walk her dog to ‘help her out’ because she is pregnant again and her husband works away…..Diary, I can’t help but wonder how exactly that conversation went. Did he say that he and his friend (me) wanted to help her out and walk her dog for her? or did he say that he wanted to introduce his girlfriend to her? because if it was the latter, I would hope that she would be more interested in meeting me.

After hearing this lame and sad excuse of a failed attempt to introduce me to his family within my month deadline, I have begun to realise that he really doesn’t want me to meet them. It hurts a lot to acknowledge this based on hard evidence, not just intuition. It’s forced me to plan ‘what next’. With only two weekends left for him to introduce me to them, I need a game plan for how to not fall to pieces when I have to end it. I really wish that he would step up, but I seriously doubt that he will.

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The angel on my shoulder has been helping play Cupid with Mr Nice Guy and my newly single friend….I really have good intentions. Dear Diary, please don’t judge me, but the more I think about it, the more ideal Mr Nice Guy appeals to me as a life partner. He would treat any woman like a queen and is just so lovely to be around. I think that my life would be happier if I was with Mr Nice Guy and that I’d be guaranteed to be married and with kids to him within two years….whereas Karate Kid, that may never happen.

Before I had this epiphany, I had sent both my girlfriend and Mr Nice Guy messages. The one I sent to my friend was probing about what she wanted in a man. I was trying to open her eyes to the opportunity before her (Mr Nice Guy). I sent her this:

“Hmmm yeah, you’ve got to follow what feels right for you.
It’s hard to come by a good man these days. You deserve one that compliments you all the time, looks out for your needs, finds nothing a problem to deal with, is easy to talk with, wants children, is flexible and willing to compromise for you 🙂 you need a nice, genuine, reliable guy hehe”

Some may call it subliminal messaging, I really hoped that she’d recognise those traits in Mr Nice Guy if I spelled it out like that. I then sent a message to Mr Nice Guy to ask if my girlfriend liked the flowers. He replied:

“She absolutely loved them! she came home to them after her shift on Saturday. She sent me a photo of them, the florist picked some beautiful ones for her”

Me: “Oh that’s fantastic news! Have you thought about asking her out on a date? I haven’t spoken to her about boys, but could put a good word in for you if you’d like? I think you’d both make an amazing couple. You’re both such wonderful people and would make your partners so happy 🙂 therefore, I conclude that you’re both well suited for each other hehe”

Mr Nice Guy: “Sorry for the late reply, gosh it’s been a busy day! Aww that’s such a lovely thing to say! That we would treat our prospective partners nicely. I do think she is an absolutely amazing girl. How about we organise to go out all together like a double date or something? Like a picnic or movie? :)”

Me (next day): “I hope that your day today went well 🙂 A double date does sound cute, but I’m not sure of where things are going with KK atm. I don’t think he’s wanting something serious and long term with me so I’ll need to start looking out for myself soon, if you know what I mean.”

Mr Nice Guy: “Hi 🙂 I hope your day was okay? I’m sorry to hear about KK. Sometimes life can suck. You are a beautiful, special, caring and clever girl. You deserve the world Anastasia. Keep your chin up.”

Chin up? he definitely was treating me like I was in the friend zone. This was devastating. He really preferred my newly single girlfriend over me. I didn’t sense any ‘hope’ from him with hearing that I was considering breaking up with Karate Kid. Mr Nice Guy is a gentleman, he would never interfere with a relationship whilst it was still alive. Such a great guy.

Me (next day): “Good morning Mr NG. Thank you 🙂 we will have a talk this wknd and see where we both stand. I hope that you have a nice day today.”

Later in the week, I agreed to meet with my newly single girlfriend. She wanted to talk. She showed me the sunflowers that Mr Nice Guy had sent. I asked her what she thought about him and she said that she didn’t want to lead him on. She also said that it’s hard when there are mutual friends as if things don’t go well it could make social outings awkward.

Now, Diary, before meeting with my friend I was in two minds as to whether to suggest Mr Nice Guy as a potential partner to her. When I heard her say these things I decided to play the angel card and look out for her best interests. I told her that I actually went to University with Mr Nice Guy and that he is just as nice now as he was back then. I told her that I knew his parents and that they were absolutely lovely. I also told her that he was perfect husband and father material and that he’d treat her so well forever.

To this, she said that she was actually meeting up with him for dinner this week and that if he asked her to date him that she’d say that she wanted to date other people for a while just to see what’s out there. I felt relieved. I wanted it to be her that made the decision not to date him, not me influencing her. She also had two other men that she was having coffee with that she was much more attracted to…..but I told her that I didn’t like the sound of either of them.

When I left her house, I felt conflicted. I wanted her and Mr Nice Guy to be happy, but I also wanted happiness myself and felt that that wouldn’t be possible with Karate Kid.

I started typing a message to Mr Nice Guy, again, I didn’t press send:

“Hello Mr NG
I hope that your day went well today.
I met with XX for a girl’s catchup tonight. She showed me the lovely flowers that you sent! Very beautiful.
She mentioned that you were planning something nice for tomorrow night. I did a little bit of probing to see how she feels. I’m only sharing because I care about you both.
If you asked her to date now she’d say two things; one, that you’re in the same friendship circle which could make things awkward if things don’t work out. And two, things are still fresh from the breakup and she’s not ready to commitment atm (but who knows how long this phase will be hehe).
She didn’t say that she wasn’t interested which is great. To open her up to the idea more I told her all the great attributes that you have and why you’d make a great partner 😉 seeds are planted so give them time to germinate hehe.
Where to from here? Up to you really. You can still ask and then reassure her that if things don’t work out that it won’t change things socially. Sometimes ppl like to keep things quiet at the early stages Or, you can keep catching up and psuedo-date her for a month more and then ask 🙂“

I couldn’t bring myself to send it because I felt weird getting too involved. It needed to blossom organically for them and I had faith that Mr Nice Guy would navigate any rejection with ease.

I think my seed planting worked too, as in the next couple of days my friend seemed more interested in seeing where things to with Mr Nice Guy….It’s such good news for them both but so sad that I have missed out on such a great opportunity. I guess sometimes you don’t know what you have right before your eyes until it’s no longer available to you…..

For the rest of the week I’ve found myself trying to focus on work and then feeling so melancholic – I should be with someone like Mr Nice Guy, I’m a nice person too, some universal law must exist which stipulates that I’ll end up with a nice guy one day, right? Maybe I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life before I keep giving opportunities to other women? I had the opportunity to be with Mr Nice Guy for so long and instead I wasted my time with Karate Kid. There’s no way that Karate Kid will ever treat me as well as what Mr Nice Guy would. Why have I been so stupid all this time? Karate Kid doesn’t even want me to meet his family. Mr Nice Guy would trip over himself organising a dinner to make the announcement.

Now I am just sitting back and watching the show unfold. Boy meets girl and they fall in love. I’m not part of the play, I’m just part of the lonely audience. My only comfort is in the hope that one day karma will come my way for doing what I perceive the be the right thing.

 

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Karate Kid and I did talk on the phone later in the week. He wanted to discuss the weekend and if I could change shifts to go to his friend’s birthday on Sunday. She was organising an ax-throwing event. Apparently, it’s a new trend where you all throw axes at targets. I couldn’t change my shift because of other commitments but wished him fun.

Karate Kid wanted to talk about plans for the weekend and the following weekend. We only ended up discussing this weekend coming. He decided that we wouldn’t see each other on Thursday night, but that I could pick him up from his place on Friday morning and then we go somewhere to explore for the day. Friday night is my housemate’s birthday dinner and then a dance party. Saturday night is my samba parade and then I work on Sunday. Karate Kid asked me what I wanted to do over the weekend. I deliberately didn’t give too many suggestions as I wanted him to organise something. He seemed disappointed when he ended the conversation. I wondered if it was because I hadn’t suggested meeting my family……so I decided to send him a text to make my position very clear:

“P.s. I thought that you might be planning to do a romantic surprise something on Fri as a late Valentine’s Day thing like you mentioned you were thinking of doing because we didn’t celebrate last week. That’s why I haven’t put forward any suggestions.
Good night xo“

I knew that he would have read it during the night, but he didn’t reply until the following afternoon (despite wishing me a good morning…):

“Good morning wabbit,

Been a crazy day with clients. Now at home because i wasn’t feeling any good.

Lol, i only brought up if you were interested in any thing only because i recall in the past that you would like your suggestion/interest to be considered.

And I’m only getting you to pick me up because you wanted to see my house…. otherwise we would be spending the night together!

I’m hoping the weather will be good tomorrow. You’re finishing at 8:15 tonight i recall?“

…..see his house? see his house? I don’t want to see his house! I want him to proudly present me to his family! not see his house. I tried to contain my rage. Maybe I would be meeting them and it was best to keep my lips sealed so that I didn’t spoil the occasion. I suggested that we talk over the phone before my dance class if he had time. He called about 15 minutes after.

On the phone, he didn’t mention anything about meeting his family. I continued to hold my tongue. What he did say that made me relax a little was that we could do something like drive to a winery or go and do a high ropes course on the Friday. He was planning to book accommodation in the city on the Friday night and then we could go for a bike ride on Saturday morning. He seemed excited and declined my offer to help pay for the accommodation….maybe he was planning something nice for Valentine’s Day for us?

The meeting-his-family deadline is still sitting in the back of my mind. If I don’t meet them this weekend there is no point in investing time going on a road trip with him next weekend. Next weekend is the last opportunity he has before the month deadline is up and I will not let him be slimy and give the excuse that we were both out of town on that last weekend so it couldn’t happen. Seriously, Diary, why should I waste time, money and energy on a weekend away with him when I’d have to breakup with him at the end because he failed to keep his promise? We made a deal and he needs to honour it. If I meet his family this weekend he can meet mine next weekend when we are driving through on our road trip North.

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In other news, Mr Smooth I sent a clip of children latin dancing to me on Facey. He didn’t reply to my comment saying that it was a cute clip. He must have deleted me in the past week or two as he’s just re-added me on Facey. So bizarre.

 

Mr Lady’s Man is still trying to set up a date despite me telling him that I’d just started seeing someone:

The last I wrote was in reference to his hypnotism to coffee question “Hhmmmm I’m not sure. I don’t feel any different to usual….hahaha“

Mr LM: “…disappointed

So it’ll be a cup of tea then? “

I waited ten days before replying a very neutral and non-committal reply:

“Haha cups of tea are much nicer than coffee!“

He hasn’t responded yet. Maybe he’s given up?

 

The Millionaire sent a message the day after Valentine’s Day:

“Hey there.. hope the phone was claimed (The one we found the other week that we had dinner together)  enjoying the crazy weather?“

Me (five days later): “Haha it takes a little getting used to, I must admit“

TM: “The mobile phone or me? haha”

Me: “Haha the weather!”

 

I’ve had absolutely no word from The Spaniard either. I think he’s finally given up.

 

My friend, The Radiologist, has been in contact too. He is away the next few weekends but would like to organise a catch up in March. Things should have settled with Karate Kid by then so I’ll be able to declare if I’m dating someone or single. I honestly don’t think that anything would happen between me and The Radiologist. I just get that feeling. But who knows.

Anastasia

P.s. I’ve also responded to someone who showed me interested on the online dating website that I signed up to last week…..

 

 

 

 

IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA]  123RF.COM