Dear Diary
I got what I wished for. The last we spoke, I had sent a message to Karate Kid letting him know that I was no longer available for Friday night as an alternative to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I had told him that we could leave it until 2019, when hopefully, we knew each other better and were closer. In essence, I was trying to antagonise him by insinuating that after over six months of proper dating (and 12 months of him chasing me) that things weren’t at the stage they should be.
He replied the next morning and I was irritated that he wasn’t hurt from my message:
“Good morning wabbit, just woke up in a dream with you in it. Hehe….
I was looking forward to this friday….i can reschedule it…. i will see you tonight and discuss 🙂
You’re not working on friday?“
His message also irritated me because he was obviously free that night (Tuesday night) and could have organised something special for Valentine’s Day then. The other major issue was that I’d already made plans to meet with Polar Bear for dinner that night.
It took me the whole day to figure out what to say. I sent a message as I finished work:
“Hello cuddly raccoon
Haha you remembered a dream! I hope that it was a nice one.
Yes, this Friday I have off.
Tonight I will be in the city to catch up with [Polar Bear]. We talk about the money book. I can call when we after if you’d like to go for a walk in the city?
I agreed to Tues with his before I knew that you were busy Weds, sorry.
Xo“
I tried my best to seem sincere. His reply wasn’t as heartbroken as I would have hoped:
“Ahhhh that’s fine. I’m just finished work and heading to home for a run. Message me when you are done to see where I’m at. 🙂“
To me, it sounded as though he’d prefer to go for a run and wasn’t fazed with whether he spoke to me or not that night.
For dinner with Polar Bear, we met at a bar and then he gave me options of where to go to eat. I didn’t really care so chose one that was close and that he seemed interested in. It was modern Japanese flavoured.
During the evening, Polar Bear and I discussed many things. Being an old housemate of mine, he asked me how the rental bond situation was going. I gave him an update and he gave me some advice that I needed to hear. Learning that the boat and car were not able to be seized for sale, the advice was that our ex-landlord likely didn’t have anything of value in terms of his household belongings. Polar Bear was concerned that I could be left out of pocket even further. I was alarmed at hearing the prospect of not getting my security bond for seizure and sale of property back…..I hadn’t considered this. I decided that I’d call the Sheriff/Bailiff to cancel the warrant the next day.
Polar Bear asked me if I had a Valentine for the next day. I was surprised by this question and it hurt having to answer it. I said no. He seemed surprised. He then asked if I was dating and I didn’t really answer the question. He then told me that I avoided his question and asked if I was seeing anyone….I said ‘Not really. You know what the dance scene is like.‘ I wasn’t prepared to admit anything was happening between Karate Kid and I – in my mind it was slowly dying and wasn’t worth mentioning.
Polar Bear than announced that he still hadn’t given me my birthday present. I’d completely forgotten about it and wondered what he had bought. Then he told me that the present would be to take me flying as he had recently passed some of his flying exams. As for when that’ll happen exactly, I don’t know.
The next topic of conversation was me looking at places to move to and how crazy my neighbour had been lately. Polar Bear was alarmed by this. He also suggested that I strongly consider share-housing rather than renting a place for myself as it’d save me so much money. I thought to myself that it’d mean that Karate Kid and I couldn’t live together for a bit longer – but was it such a bad thing? I mean, he seems more than happy to let me move out and put my name on the lease and pay bond. In reality, it could take him another six months before he’s officially ready to move in with me. I needed to make the decision of where to live based on my needs and wants, without considering him at all.
Somehow, my writing came up in conversation. I didn’t mention this blog, only the book. Polar Bear asked me what I was writing about….and so I felt comfortable enough to admit to him that it was about dating advice for men. He immediately went awkward and said that he felt self-conscious that I may be examining him (“Is this meant to be a date?” I asked myself). He asked if I had considered writing about my dating experiences in a continual story, rather than just a book. I told him that I hadn’t…..I got suspicious – had my girl friend that he often meets for lunch in the city spilt the beans to him?
Polar Bear then went on to tell me that he hadn’t dated in years. He told me that even with his ex-girlfriend (who he was dating when we first met and house-shared together) that they’d never officially dated. He then followed up by saying that he didn’t know when he’d date again (Phew, that meant that this wasn’t a date).
Polar Bear asked me again if I was dating. Again, I avoided the question. I said that I didn’t really feel like it, but that I’d signed up to online dating the night before (which I had). We spoke a little more about the content of my book and he then decided to tell me more about his dating experiences in general.
Polar Bear told me that there are two types of women in their late 20s and 30s. There are ones that have been in long-term relationships, perhaps divorced, and they are really relaxed and settled and easy to slip into a relationship with. Then there are those who have been single for most of the time and have focused on their careers. These women are really intense because they find an available man and want to tie him down to start a family with…….I giggled and said that I must be the second type of women because I had been single for so long (This information was a little bit hard to swallow as I knew that I’d been acting extra crazy with Karate Kid of late).
Polar Bear went on to share with me that he really, really, really liked women. He said that there were three things in particular that he was looking for in a woman: passion about something, being a problem solver, and, being generous and kindhearted to others. He also said that the lady needed to have a great behind. I told him that I thought he’d considered all these attributes carefully and that it’d certainly help him the day that he was ready to find that special someone.
Polar Bear then spoke about how he had never wanted to have children. He said in his early 20s that he went to see his Doctor to ask for a vasectomy. He didn’t want to have any illegitimate children that’d he’d have to be responsible for. His Doctor didn’t allow this considering he was so young and may change his mind in future. Polar Bear then told me that he still wasn’t interested in children and didn’t ever want to ‘wipe the bottom‘ of another human being. I thought to myself that I was glad that I wasn’t dating him as this would be a deal breaker.
During the dinner, he complimented me on my hair. I thought that this was nice, but I was also concerned that he may want to be more than just friends. Surely though, it must be a harmless compliment. When it came time to paying for dinner I said that I thought that it was my turn to pay. He said that he was happy to pay…..it turned out though that the restaurant wouldn’t accept his particular credit card so I ended up paying. He felt really bad and also said that he felt that I may be judging him (referring to my dating book). I made a mental note to myself not to share what I write about with anyone again.
After we left the restaurant, he insisted that he buy me some sort of dessert. I thanked him for the offer but said that it was best to call it a night. It was getting late after all. He asked if I’d be happy to drop him home (he sold his car maybe six months ago). I was fine with this as it was on my way home.
When we got to his place, we had a little chat in the car. He made me agree to meeting again with him for dinner within the next month. He even suggested the restaurant that we would eat at next. I was still unsure as to if he wanted to see me as a friend or romantically, but said yes. Technically, we were friends and I’d just paid for both our meals which meant that it definitely wasn’t a date.
When we went to hug each other goodbye we almost kissed. We both stopped and I turned my head far to the other side and he kissed me on the cheek.
On the way home, I phoned Karate Kid. He hadn’t gone for a run because of the weather. He said that he’d go the following morning. We spoke about some of the things that Polar Bear and I had discussed. I only told him about the rental bond advice and advice for house sharing. Karate Kid tried to agree with the advice, he did so in a way to show me that he could also give me sound advice and made light of the fact that he was disadvantaged as he had never seen my old place to know if there was anything of value inside left.
He suggested that he come over after his family dinner on Valentine’s Day the next day if he had the energy and it wasn’t too late. He said he could ask his Mother then and there what time she was planning to have it. I was offended and stopped him. I said that I wasn’t going to disrupt his evening and that he should dedicate it to his family like he had planned to. He could tell from my voice that I was upset and defensive. How else am I meant to feel? If he really cared about me he would have invited me to his family dinner to meet them all.
When I arrived home, there was a text message waiting for me from Polar Bear:
“The weather is crazy in your area – let me know when you’re home safe xx”
He’d never signed off with ‘xx’ before. I sent the following:
“Made it safe 🙂 things are calmer here now. Good night :)”
He replied immediately after:
“Excellent news 😀 Thanks again for a marvelous evening. See you next time!”
The next morning was Valentine’s Day. Mid-morning, Karate Kid sent the following message:
“Good morning wabbit!,
Thank you for being an amazing, caring and sweet person. Your smile always gives me butterflies and makes me happy. Happy valentine day my snowflake. 🙂“
His message was very thoughtful. I wasn’t sure if he’d come up with it himself or not. Either way, I wasn’t ready to fully commit to pursing things with him further. The clock was ticking and we were far from where we should be relationship-wise.
Late in the day, I sent:
“Happy Valentine’s Day to you too cuddly raccoon. Thank you for your sweet text message.
I hope that you’re having a nice day xo“
I thought to myself that words were cheap and that he could have done a million other things to make me feel special leading up to and on that day.
[Just as a side note; my girl friend and I didn’t win passes to the Valentine’s Day single mingling competition by the local radio station. Just in case you were wondering.]
At about 8.30pm, Karate Kid sent through a text message:
“Hahahah the little rascals [his neice and nephew] have gone. I hope you’re enjoying your bike ride or dancing tonight :)”
Where was my ‘xo’ at the end? Just a casual smiley face on Valentine’s Day? I was actually in my pyjamas ready for bed when I received his message. I decided that it was time to go for a bike ride rather than say I’d spent the night at home alone on Valentine’s Day. No way was I going to be available for him to come over because he suddenly had spare time and was bored.
I didn’t end up cycling because my front tyre tube had blown and needed replacing. I went for a walk instead. When I finished, I sent the following:
“Thanks! hope was good for you too”
I wasn’t going to tell him if I was out dancing or cycling. I wasn’t going to invest too much emotionally into the message either. Seeing so many lovers having picnics and romantic walks on my evening stroll was enough to make me feel more heartbroken than I already was.
About an hour later, he replied:
“Would of been better if I could of seen you :p”
Oh really now? So inviting me to meet his family for dinner still wasn’t a consideration? All he wanted to do was ‘see‘ me, not share the experience with me. Not impressed. Not impressed at all, Dear Diary.
After my shower, I sent him a reply:
“It’s okay, I understand that it was a really important occasion for you and your family”
I wanted him to know that I wasn’t feeling special. The next morning, he sent a reply:
“Good morning wabbit! You are important. You are important to me.
I want to see you tonight after your dance class. Need to see which dates you are free for lunch with my sister and then our next road trip weekend (I’m still hoping to go to the town you used to live in).
I hope you have a nice day today :)”
Again, where is my ‘xo’ at the end? And is he just making false promises like he has a few times in the past when I’ve been upset? If he really wanted me to meet his sister he could have arranged it for the last weekend or even this weekend coming! As much as I wanted to allow myself to get excited, I just didn’t trust that he’d be able to follow through and organise these things. I decided that I wasn’t going to help facilitate them either. I’d done enough by pestering him for months. Now it was time for him to put his money where his mouth is and enthusiastically try to involve me in his life more.
At work that Thursday, just before finishing my shift. I received some flowers.
The card reads: “Smile a little smile for me 🙂 – Raccoon”. Again, no ‘xo’ or anything romantic.
My colleague asked me who sent them and I said that they were from a friend. Afterwards, I thought that I if anyone inquired further that I could say that they were sent by a friend who heard that I didn’t receive anything on Valentine’s Day and felt sorry for me.
I hid the flowers in my handbag when I was on my way to my car. I didn’t want anyone seeing me with them. He was still just as much of a dirty secret for me as I was for him.
Despite not having planned to speak to him at all until Yum Cha on Saturday, I felt it rude not to say thank you for the flowers. Just before my dance class that night, I sent Karate Kid a message:
“Thank you for the flowers today. They are very beautiful. I liked the message you wrote as well.
Tonight my Mother is expecting me home after class. She’s keeping food for me for a late dinner.”
This wasn’t true, but I wasn’t willing to settle for a measly sympathy catch up last minute. He’d really offended me by treating Valentine’s Day like it was nothing and continuing to hide me from his family.
He replied: “Ahhh I see, no problem. See you at Yum Cha then. I will make it 11am. How has your day been?”
He then sent though a photo of his CPAP machine to help him breath whilst sleeping that he’d picked up that day.
I sent him a message: “Oh yay, that’s great news. I hope that you start feeling more energetic soon.
My day was alright, thank you. I hope that yours was too.
I’m about to start dance class now!”
After class, he had sent a message: “Drive safely home in this weather.”
I felt a little bad avoiding him all week. I also was curious to see if he’d try to lock in a date to meet his sister…..So I suggested that we talk on the phone via Bluetooth whilst I drove. He agreed and so I called him.
It was a short phone conversation. I thanked him for the flowers and the words on the card. He said that the florist had run out of flowers (did this mean that he’d tried to send the on Valentine’s Day?). He brought up the logistics of the weekend and then said that he had to setup his CPAP machine for that night. I was annoyed that he didn’t mention meeting his sister or the road trip. Surely, he was just saying those things to try to make me less annoyed at him.
I didn’t actually drive to my family’s house on Thursday night as it was getting late. I decided to drive on Friday morning. Karate Kid didn’t need to know this. Also, I was planning to come back on Friday evening to have dinner with a girl friend. Again, Karate Kid wasn’t going to hear about this as I’d declined Valentine’s Day dinner for that particular night. If he wanted to do something nice for me he was going to have to make it happen himself. I am tired of forcing things to happen.
When I got home on Thursday night, I checked my online dating account. Thirty men had sent little ‘interests’. Generally, there’s a glut at the start and then you get a trickle of men interested in meeting you. I clicked through them all. One in particular caught my eye. I decided to wait a few days before replying. I needed to make sure that I was comfortable with what I was doing. I needed to be sure that there was no future with Karate Kid and that it was in my best interest to explore other options….
Anastasia
IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA] 
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The Contemporary Princess 