When Has an Ultimatum Ever Been a Bad Thing? – Entry 194

Dear Diary

Let’s start off with the weekend of 24th and 25th February.

Both Karate Kid and I had Friday off so that we could go on a short road trip during the day. We had to be back to the city that evening for my housemate’s birthday dinner.

The original plan didn’t end up going to plan…..for the first time, Karate Kid gave me his address and asked me to pick him up. This was so that I would have a chance to go to his place. I was apprehensive as I wasn’t sure if I’d meet his mother or not (he lives with her still which is culturally normal for him). We had been having serious discussions lately of how he needed to organise something soon before the one month deadline came….which was the following weekend (3rd and 4th of March).

I drove to his house with mixed emotions. I wasn’t even sure that I was ready to meet his mother as he had been so reluctant in initiating anything. When I arrived, I decided to phone him from my car to let him know I was there. He came out to meet me and asked if I’d like to see inside. I said yes and sheepishly followed him.

Inside, he showed me his living room, the kitchen and his bedroom. After that he called something out to another room in the house in his native tongue….oh my gosh, was he asking his mother to come out to meet me? He then turned to me and said “okay, let’s go“. I was crushed. It was definitely his mother who he’d called out to in her room and he hadn’t bothered to introduce me.

I walked to the front door and he saw that I looked upset. He paused and asked me if I wanted to meet his mother. I told him that it wasn’t up to me and that he was the only one that could make that decision. Already feeling offended and too proud to wait for a response, I opened his front door and let myself out.

Likely in a state of shock, I was very quiet on our drive to a local café that he wanted to go to so that he could have breakfast. I’d already eaten as it was about 11 a.m. When we sat down, I couldn’t look him in the eye and slowly trickled shallow questions so that he couldn’t ask me what was wrong. For me, things were almost officially over as he’d run out of time to introduce me to his family. He still had a week but he had no concrete plans and that was more than enough of a ‘fail’ in my books. This guy just doesn’t have the right priorities, I thought to myself.

I rudely pulled out my phone at the table (like he often does) and sent a text message to a girlfriend of mine. My message read:

Spending the day with KK.
Just picked him up from his place. He didn’t introduce me to his mother. She didn’t even come out of her room to say hi.
Trying so hard not to cry. Just got to get through today
Xo

Maybe it was because I wanted to go, but it felt like an eternity for his meal to come out. When his meal eventually came out, Karate Kid ate his meal slowly. I was trying really hard to suppress my emotions, but my attempts to not cry didn’t work. Just as he finished his meal he wanted to talk and I looked at him with teary eyes and announced that I had to go. My voice must have been muffled from being upset as he asked me what I’d said. I tried not to cry as I said to him again that I needed to leave “now“. He got up from his chair which cleared the path for me to get up and leave the restaurant whilst he paid.

I got into my car and broke out in tears. I’d put on my makeup nicely that morning as I’d expected to meet his mother. My makeup was now ruined.

Karate Kid soon came out to find me in the car and tried to hug me. He told me not to cry and that everything would be okay. I shook my head “no“. I was inconsolable for a few minutes and then calmed down enough to speak. Karate Kid was frustrated and said that he had tried to organise me meeting his sisters but they had been too busy and it was just too hard. He kept guessing as to why I was crying and then apologised for not doing anything for Valentine’s Day.

I couldn’t believe how clueless he was. How could he not understand how devastatingly embarrassing it was for me to be a stranger in his home and not worthy enough of being introduced to his mother who was in the next room.

Karate Kid suggested we drive to my place to talk. I said no. He then suggested that we go to the hotel that he’d preorganised as we were having a busy weekend and would be tired driving to and from my house all the time. I said no. I started driving him home.

In the car, I managed to compose myself enough to tell him what was wrong. I told him that he didn’t have respect for me as I’d literally been standing 6 meters from his mother and he didn’t introduce me. He said that he did respect me. I then told him that I was tired of begging to meet his family and that it wasn’t normal. I told him that there was no point going on a big road trip the next weekend as we would have to break up anyway because he’d broken his promise to meet the one month deadline to introduce me to his family. He was stunned and then said that he couldn’t understand how things kept cycling from good to bad so frequently. I told him that it was all his fault because he didn’t address the things that make me upset. I said that I’d keep getting more and more upset the longer he takes to do the honourable thing and introduce me to his family. He want silent.

I asked him if his mother even knew that I existed. He said no because he doesn’t really talk much with her (despite living under the same roof). I told him that normally when you bring a girlfriend or friend home that you advise your mother beforehand so that they know who the stranger in their house is. I just couldn’t understand why he was avoiding the introduction.

When we got to his place he asked if we could go for a walk instead of me leaving straight away. I reluctantly agreed, though I couldn’t see how it’d change anything. On our short walk he apologised for hurting me. His apology was genuine and heart felt.

He slowly told me that he wasn’t confident in relationships as he’d never dated seriously. He also said that he had a strained relationship with his mother and wasn’t planning on introducing me to her until I’d met his sisters (which was likely never going to happen if it was up to him, in my opinion).

Karate Kid then started to divulge his inner insecurities that have been holding him back from the start (over a year if you’ve been reading that long)…..He said that he felt unworthy of a relationship because he had been unemployed for the better part of a decade before he found his current job. When he graduated, jobs in his field were scarce and despite trying he was unsuccessful. The longer he was unemployed the harder it became to search as his confidence eroded. Back then, his family told him that he was useless and he felt depressed. One day he decided that it wasn’t the way he wanted to live his life and that he’d pick himself up and try again. He fell into his current job and worked his way up from the bottom.

He said that he couldn’t understand at the start why I was interested in him. He said that I earned more than him and have a more professional job than him. He said ‘Why would Anastasia Anonymous be interested in someone like me?‘. I told him that those things didn’t bother me. My family come from humble beginnings and my father made the most of his minimal salary to provide for us. He did well and if he can do it, so can anyone.

I then told Karate Kid that I wanted to start a family in the next few years. I told him that sometimes people struggle with falling pregnant or carrying to term and that I didn’t want to risk missing out. I told him that it wasn’t fair for me as I have a ticking clock…he doesn’t. I told him that I need to be with someone who wants marriage and children within the next few years. He didn’t make any promises to me during that conversation, all he said is that everything will be okay. To this, I said that there was no guarantee that things would work out okay for me because reality is reality.

When we got back to my car he’d convinced me that we should check in to the hotel early. At the same time a text came through from my mother. She was letting me know that I have to transfer money before 3 p.m. that day to secure my spot on our China tour. I was going to be pushed for time to make it back to my place to do the transaction on my laptop. Karate Kid offered his computer in his house…I said that I wasn’t comfortable with going inside, especially looking like a mess. He said that his mother and her boyfriend would be going out soon for lunch. I thought about it and then decided that I didn’t want to risk missing the deadline for the China tour.

Karate Kid went into the house first whilst I waited in my car. He came out soon after to say that his mother had said it was fine for me to come in to use the computer. After cleaning up my running mascara, I went into the house but his mother and boyfriend were nowhere to be seen. Apparently, they were getting changed to go out. I started logging in to my account and set up the transfer. A few minutes later, his mother appeared in the hallway and we waved at each other. She didn’t come to meet me. Karate Kid asked if I’d like him to introduce me to her. I said not to worry about it (it wasn’t my choice after all). She and her boyfriend left soon after that.

After completing the transaction, we drove to the hotel to check in. Karate Kid said that he was feeling really unwell with a head cold. I wondered if it was a manifestation of the emotional stress he was under with the pressure I was putting on him with the one month deadline. We spoke for a bit about what had happened that morning and then had a nap. We only had an hour or so to get rest before we had to get ready for my housemate’s birthday dinner on the other side of the city.

I had calmed down after the nap. I think I was preparing myself to accept his failure and start fresh with dating again. At the birthday dinner, my newly single friend and Mr Nice Guy were both invited too. They arrived separately, but sat together. The dinner was nice and over in under two hours. The weather was quite bad and everyone wanted to get home to safety. The carnival street parade that I was meant to be in on the Saturday night had been cancelled due to this also.

Karate Kid and I went back to our hotel room and rested. We checked out late on the Saturday morning and didn’t do much exciting that day. He had ‘tried‘ to organise something with his sisters but it just didn’t seem to happen. We had dinner plans with friends that night before a dance party. Things were a little tense between Karate Kid and I, but we kept a pleasant facade.

After dinner, we went to the dance party. I had shifted my focus from relationship stress to stressing about finding a more suitable career that I actually enjoyed. I told Karate Kid to go into the party without me and that I’d submit a job application first and then come to join him. I worked on the application for about an hour and then ended up sleeping in the car until he came out to find me. Seeing me asleep, he said that we should go home to my place to rest. I did have work the next day, after all. He said that a few people at the party had asked him where I was. He told them that I’d be coming soon…..haha.


 

On the Sunday, I worked. Karate Kid went to a friend’s birthday party where they threw axes at targets. I was invited also but couldn’t make it because of work commitments. He had been complaining about feeling like he was getting sick for the past two days. I knew that he’d still go out and do social things despite feeling unwell, but that he would avoid introducing me to his family because of it also.

I didn’t hear from Karate Kid that day. I was disappointed with him as he had suggested that we celebrate Valentine’s Day that night to make up for missing it the week before. I was on the phone to a girlfriend discussing the disappointment of the weekend and brought up the Valentine’s Day date that wasn’t going to happen. I then got the idea, why not send a message to him mentioning it just to watch him squirm? I mean, of course he hadn’t planned anything and it’d just highlight further how un-invested and unreliable he was. I got off the phone to my friend and sent the following to Karate Kid:

Hello! How was ax throwing? Are we still doing Valentine’s Day? Remember how you asked me if I was free this evening? 🙂

He didn’t reply immediately which upset me. It was so disheartening to know that he didn’t care about me as much as I wanted to be cared about. I decided that I’d distract myself by going cycling so started getting changed.

Twenty minutes after I sent the message, and just as I was getting ready to go cycling, Karate Kid phoned me. He said that he had booked a table in a trendy part of the city for 7.45 p.m. It was 6.25 p.m., so I got off the phone to start getting ready. I hadn’t planned for him to actually pull through! I quickly shampooed and dried my hair and then picked out a pretty dress.

Karate Kid sent a message about 10 minutes after the call: “Hi snowflake. I moved the booking to 8.15. Don’t rush!”

I didn’t know whether I should be upset or not with him. Clearly, he had forgotten and hadn’t planned anything until I prompted him last minute. On the other hand, he was organising a cute (late) Valentine’s Day date for us. I didn’t have time to work out if I should be upset or not with him. Also, he was now skipping a dance party that he had RSVP’d as going to.

I parked on the street where he had asked me to meet him. He was already there. When I got out of my car, Karate Kid kissed me and handed me a small bouquet of mixed flowers. They were beautiful and smelt amazing. He then showed me where he’d parked and explained how he’d tried to straighten up his reverse parallel park when his car stopped working. He’d need to call roadside assistance, but would do so after dinner so that we wouldn’t be interrupted.

The restaurant he chose was very cute and romantic looking. Part of the conversation that we shared was about preferred baby names and he seemed relaxed with offering up more names for discussion. I thanked him for organising such a nice dinner and he said that he already knew what he’d be doing the following year for Valentine’s Day. I asked him to tell me but he said it’d ruin the surprise. I don’t like knowing about surprises as it makes me wonder what it could possibly be – that’s twelve months of wondering!

As our meals came out, Karate Kid asked the waiter to take a photo of us. It was a cute photo and we both looked really happy. After we finished, he suggested that we get hot chocolate (which is a rhetorical question, mind you).

Karate Kid then phoned the roadside assistance company and they gave an estimate of two hours before they’d arrive. We went for a walk along the water’s edge and then returned to my car where he said that I should go home to rest for work the next day. I felt bad leaving him with more than an hour wait left, but I did have an early start the next day.

When I got home, I sent Karate Kid a message:

Thank you for the beautiful evening. I felt very special and cared for by you. 

I hope that your car is okay now. How about this week you rest on Tuesday night? That way you’ll be well for the working week and wknd 🙂 “

The next morning he sent a message saying that he ended up waiting 3.5 hours for the road side assistance to come. He decided to have Monday and Tuesday off as a sick days as he felt unwell….We weren’t going to be seeing each other until the following weekend, which was the last weekend of the month deadline….


 

On a side note, I did receive a message from Mr Nice Guy on the Sunday evening. If you recall, the week before I declined a double date with him and my newly single friend as I wasn’t sure how things were going with Karate Kid.

Mr Nice Guy must have noticed the tension between us at the dinner on the Saturday night and sent:

Hey happy Sunday, just checking in on you 🙂

I replied late that night:

Happy Sunday to you too Mr NG. I’m doing alright, thank you for checking. It’s been a testing wknd but survived haha.

I’m applying for a position, xxxxxxxx, and thought it may be of interest to you to (www.link).”

He replied soon after, but I was already asleep:

Thank you for sending me that job information, it sounds like a good opportunity. I will definitely have a closer look at it tomorrow night.

Are you sure you’re ok? I’d like to host you for dinner on my stage 1 newly decorated patio and hear everything that’s been going on with you”

This was really sweet and considerate of him, but I wasn’t comfortable diving in with out having tied up loose ends with Karate Kid and also not knowing how things went on his date with my newly single girlfriend the other night. I replied the next morning:

Hello Mr NG. Glad you like the link. I’ll be applying this week. It looks like the opportunity only comes around every 5 years!

Thank you, that’s really kind of you. The next two wknds I’m not in town is the only thing.”

He replied late that night:

I will definitely be applying. If it only comes around once every 5 years then it must be a good opportunity 🙂 I hope we both get it! Thank you for thinking of me and letting me know.

When you have a night free, you let me know :)”


 

Instead of spending Tuesday evening with Karate Kid like we usually do, I spent the evening with my newly single girlfriend. She wanted to check in on me that I was okay after the weekend.

She advised me that it was probably best to look for love elsewhere. She agreed that it wasn’t normal for someone to hide you from their family and also to not introduce you to them when they are literally in the next room.

That meal was difficult to get through because I just wanted to be alone to wallow in pain. It was good to talk about things though, and I enjoyed hearing how much friend liked how much of a gentleman Mr Nice Guy had been on their date the other night. I decided not to push the idea of them dating too much so not to spook her. It seemed like things would progress naturally without my input anyway.

This also answered my question about whether I could meet up with Mr Nice Guy or not. My friend was clearly interested after their initial date, and so it would not be appropriate for me to meet with him one-on-one. My newly single friend was still dating other people, but I have a feeling that things will work out for her and Mr Nice Guy.

I must admit that I felt disappointed in myself for missing out on the opportunity that was in the palm of my hand for so long. But I’d consciously given up that opportunity to waste time waiting around for Karate Kid to step up. It was a touch life lesson, but I needed to learn it and deal with the consequences of my actions. It was very possible that I’d be attending Mr Nice Guy and my new single friend’s wedding in the next two years…..

 

I was finally ready to reply to Mr Nice Guy’s kind invitation after the dinner with my girlfriend:

Hello Mr NG

I hope that you had a nice day. I really appreciate the offer and would love to come to your place, but I think it’s best if I don’t. I know that you and [my newly single girlfriend] are starting to date and inviting me could cause problems for you. Women are complicated and despite the fact that Diana and I are good friends it could upset her. I also want things to work out for you both 🙂 so I’ll do the honourable thing.

I do really appreciate you reaching out to listen to me at a tough time. Thank you.”

Apparently, this message came across as really intense, as this is what he replied with soon after:

Hi thanks for getting back to me. I feel there may have been a misinterpretation of my intentions and I may have accidentally overstepped. I’m not sure what you meant by us hanging out causing problems between [newly single friend] and I, just want you to know that my intentions were never to jeopardize my friendship with you or my relationship prospects with her. I merely wanted to catch up and make sure you’re okay seeing as it sounded like you were having a hard time.

Because I’ve known you since 2006 I consider you a close friend therefore I obviously care about your well being. I thought I could combine that with my enthusiasm for my newly decorated patio as and my housemates are giddily proud of it.”

He’s such a gentleman. I decided to call him to talk out what I had meant from my message. I explained to him that irrespective of his intentions, if my newly single friend knew that he was catching up one-on-one with single girls that she’d get jealous. It’s just what women do. I said it’d be different with other people around or if they were in an established relationship and he asked he if it was okay first. At the start though, it isn’t worth risking. He eventually understood what I was trying to tell him.

He knew that I had had dinner that evening with her as she’d sent him a photo of us together at dinner. I asked him if he wanted to know what I’d told her about him and he was very interested. I summarised what I had told my friend the other week about him. I said that we’d known each other for over 10 years and that he was just as nice and bubbly as he was back then. I said that I knew his parents and that they were lovely people and like ‘two peas in a pod’. I also said that he’s a family guy who would make a great father and husband. That he’d treat her well and that she’d be happy with him.

After saying this, Mr Nice Guy sounded choked up on the other side of the phone. He said that those were the nicest things that anyone had ever said about him. I was surprised hearing that as he’s such a nice guy and everything I said was as clear as day. I told him that it was all true and always had been. He thanked me and then asked what he should do about my newly single friend. I told him just to take his time and keep doing what he’s doing, not to rush anything so not to spook her, but just to keep being his lovely self and things should happen naturally. I said that she needs a little bit more time as she is still needing to talk out what went wrong with her ex boyfriend, that it’s a process and it takes us a while to find our closure…..Despite this being true, I didn’t want to tell him that she was seeing other men still and that she wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship with him.

After that phone call to Mr Nice Guy, I sent a reply message to Karate Kid. He had texted me earlier in the night asking if I’d like to talk with him over the phone seeing as he was too sick for us to meet that night. He called soon after and we spoke about his day and then the plans for the weekend.

The upcoming Friday night was his friend’s birthday gathering. I was invited as his ‘plus one’. The Saturday we would drive five hours to my old town that I worked in and then spend the weekend there. On the way home we’d stop in to visit my family….This would only happen if a miracle happened between now and then that I met a member of his family….but he didn’t need to know that, I’d already pushed him enough.

Before the phone call ended, I made a point of telling him that I’d appreciate it if he introduced me to his mother on the Saturday morning before we drove North to my old town. He said that he’d see what he could do. I decided not to hold my breath. It was going to be easy breaking up with him. I did feel bad because he made a half-effort for Valentine’s Day (half, because I had to remind him).

Before going to bed I logged into facey. Karate Kid had tagged photos of us the day before. One of the photos was of us on our romantic Valentine’s Day dinner on the Sunday night….the caption read:

After a hectic day of ax throwing…nice to relax and chill out with a date night with the amazing and gorgeous Anastasia at xxxx restaurant….   — with Anastasia Anonymous.”

….56 likes from his friends at the time….oh dear, wasn’t expecting that. What was he doing? He hadn’t organised me meeting his family yet. There was no way that I was allowing the post on my timeline as my family had no idea that he even existed!

I called my mother the next day and told her about the road trip. I mentioned that I’d pop in on the way home with the guy that I am dating at the moment. She had been telling me recently that she’s worried that I may not ever find someone and end up alone….I think this news pepped her up a bit.


 

On a side note, Mr Lady’s Man conversation has been slowly trickling along over the past few weeks:

Mr LM: “So it’ll be a cup of tea then? 😜

Me: “Haha cups of tea are much nicer than coffee!

Mr LM: “As you doubtlessly know …after accepting a casual coffee request, if at the event you happen to choose any other drink, any other drink at all …then the laws of Etiquette demand your companion throw the impostor liquid …in your face 😛.

I’m really an equal opportunity beverage drinker: tea, coffee, even herbal concoctions without any caffeine in at all ..yes, a man of many tastes 😉

Me: “Really? you’re meant to throw someone’s alcoholic beverage on them? I really need to read my etiquette manual more closely haha”

Now that things are Facey official with Karate Kid, I think Mr Lady’s Man will get the point. Also, I don’t expect to hear again from The Millionaire as he is mutual friends of both Karate Kid and I and would have seen the post…..

Anastasia

 

IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA] © 123RF.COM

 

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