Dear Diary

As promised, On Saturday morning Karate Kid came to visit. I was still feeling a bit tender that he passed up the opportunity to see me the night before but tried to keep open.

The plan for Saturday morning was to literally wait for paint to dry. The units that I live in were having a face lift and Saturday morning was dedicated to the doors and doorways. This meant that the doors couldn’t be closed for five or more hours.

It was sweet of Karate Kid to offer to come to visit and keep me company whilst I was waiting. Originally, he said that we could watch movies together on his laptop. Instead of this, he chose to play games on his laptop and I did housework. He did guard the door whilst I slept for two hours in my room. I appreciated this.

The original plan for after the paint had dried was to go to the China Town area of the city to buy me a cheap traditional Chinese dress for a Chinese New Year Yum Cha session this coming weekend. Karate Kid didn’t seem to have the motivation to go any more and we ran out of time to catch the shops before they closed. I was disappointed, but was half expecting it as it was a big ‘deal’ and I was really starting to feel that he wasn’t as committed to me as I was to him.

Instead of going shopping, we sat in my room and he looked bored and threw some options at me as to what we could do that night. I had kept the weekend free as I was expecting that he’d organise a first meeting with one of his sisters. It’d been two weeks (maybe more) since he suggested the idea. This didn’t happen though, it wasn’t even a consideration for him. Of the things he did suggest, there weren’t many options that I liked – they were all boring things that we do every weekend.

I wanted adventure so gave him two suggestions. One was to visit my family further North….he said no to this (I’m still not impressed by this, Diary, and it could be the first and last time that I offer him such a privilege). I also suggested a road trip to a neighbouring city to try out different activities. He took a while to process it and didn’t seem very excited, but eventually agreed. I was super excited and hoped that his energy would pick up.

I drove us down because it was my idea. I was hoping that he’d offer as that’s what men usually do, but Karate Kid is different, he’s not naturally considerate. On the drive down I had an idea, I suggested that we go to Hooters for dinner because it was random and he would likely really enjoy it. I’d never been to Hooters before and wasn’t sure what to expect myself. We discussed it on the way down and eventually, he agreed.

At the restaurant, he had relaxed a bit. He enjoyed seeing me looking a bit awkward and asked the waitresses if we could have photos with them at the end. We enjoyed light-hearted conversation and then had some photos at the end (I had no intention of allowing these on my timeline on Facey).

Karate Kid paid for our meals. I then paid for the first attraction: a special effects experience. Again, he didn’t seem too excited but went along with the experience and seemed to enjoy it when we started. At the end, I think he’d finally gotten to a stage where he was relaxed enough to start enjoying himself.

The next activity on our agenda was mini golf. It was at a place that he’d wanted to go to for years, but just hadn’t gotten around to it. Despite his initial resistance, I managed to convince him to go. I thought that I played poorly, but surprisingly, I won the game! Go me! Karate Kid paid for this segment of the evening.

On the way back to my car I saw another attraction – a mini-theme-park type ride which involved heights. I suggested it to Karate Kid, but he is scared of heights so just laughed and politely refused. I kept insisting and so he said that we could go on it the next time we were visiting that city….I think we both know that this was a lie.

It was a long drive home but we made it. My car has a manual transmission (rare these days) so Karate Kid is unable to drive it. I was pretty exhausted by the time we got home, but I had one thing left on my agenda; I wanted to elaborate further on a topic he touched on the previous night…..

 

 

When we were settled in bed, I turned to Karate Kid and then said that there was something that I wanted to say to him. I told him that I was sorry for not realising sooner, but that the penny had only dropped after our conversation ended the night before and that I knew what he was trying to tell me…..

I told him that it’s a difficult thing to say out loud because it comes with risk. I said that he’d be worried whether I’d understand him or judge him about it. I told him that I wanted him to know that it didn’t change how I felt about him.

I then said that I was glad that things had improved. I tried to empathise by saying that it must have been a difficult time in his life and that it’s understandable that he would have had those thoughts. There’s a lot of shame and stigma surrounding it (suicide) and that there’s still a long way to go to improve public awareness.

To lighten the mood, I finished by saying that the world is a nice place because there’s a cuddly raccoon still in it. I also said that part of my job in a relationship is to listen and that I want to hear if he ever needs someone to talk with.

Karate Kid didn’t say much. He just listened. His eyes said more and I think he was touched to hear some of the things that I had to say. Sometimes things don’t need to be said.

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The next morning we got up late, well, he got up late. I was already awake and doing things around the house. There were two things on the agenda for the day – Chinese New Year dress shopping and picking up a book that his Martial Arts Master wrote.

Karate Kid drove us for this trip….maybe because I asked if he’d be driving or not. The air-conditioner/heater in his car isn’t working well at the moment and so he was reluctant, but agreed to drive. When we got to the shop I immediately gravitated to a pastel pink dress. It wasn’t in my size (or so I thought) but I still tried it on. Thankfully, Chinese sizes are very small, so their ‘large’ fitted me.

I also tried on a red dress. The shop keeper (Karate Kid’s friend), Karate Kid and a random shopper all commented that the red dress looked great. I figured that it was the more sensible buy as red symbolises luck in China….but I loved the pink one. The shop keep saw that I was struggling to choose so offered us a small discount. I wasn’t willing to buy two dresses for a once-off occasion so chose the pink one. The shop keeper nudged Karate Kid and told him that he should buy me the pink one….and so he did. I was flattered but also felt a little guilty as I wasn’t sure when I’d have the chance to wear it. I’m sure that I’ll find an occasion appropriate for it.

From the mall, we went to his old Martial Arts school (which he keeps talking about going back to). We watched some demonstrations and then collected his book. A few people that he knew there came to say hello to him and then asked where he’d been the past few months…they all then looked at me and I felt really guilty. I didn’t try to defend myself because it wasn’t my fault that he wasn’t going to class. One of the men even made a point of asking me to ‘let him out every now and again‘ (for the record, Diary, I think I like getting out and going things more than Karate Kid does). Anyway, I kept quiet as it wasn’t worth defending myself over.

We bumped into his best friend there too who asked if we’d like to go for lunch. His pregnant wife (my friend) was resting at home but could get ready to come to join us. So we selected a mall close by and then all went to meet there for a late lunch. Because no one could make a decision, we ate in the food court. Karate Kid didn’t offer to pay for my lunch which upset me a bit. He was ordering from a different place, but still, a gentleman pays.

After eating, my friend and I went to look at some of the maternity clothes for her. We left the guys talking together. On the way to the shops, I confessed to her that I was struggling a bit with Karate Kid not wanting to introduce me to his family. She said not to worry as it took her husband six months to do it when they were first dating. She said that he just one day casually invited her to a family dinner……I was too embarrassed to confess to her that Karate Kid and I had been dating since about August 2017, but that he wanted to keep it secret until about a month ago……I hope that she understands my point of view if/when Karate Kid and I break up one day. I really do envy how smooth her relationship appeared to flow compared to Karate Kid and I.

We walked past a lingerie stall and I saw something that looked amazing. A red baby doll night dress….it looked perfect for a Valentine’s Day surprise….it was a little expensive, but much cheaper than what I was expecting. I didn’t buy it because I wasn’t sure if it would be worth the investment.

After shopping, we found the guys and then decided to part ways. Karate Kid seemed calmer after his long talk with his best friend….I wondered what they had been talking about. Guess it’ll forever be a mystery.

When Karate Kid and I got back to my place he made it clear that he wouldn’t be staying the night. He said that he had to drop his Mother to a Doctor’s appointment early Monday morning. I understood this and tried not to feel upset.

There was a dance party on that night that we both wanted to go to. I was starting to feel tired so said I wouldn’t go. He then offered to drive me and insisted that I go. So I freshened up and put on a nice dress. It was a sweet offer to take me there and drop me home as it was certianly out of his way.

At the dance party, we shared the first two dances together and the last dance (this is what we agreed on a few weeks ago). I got to dance with many great male dancers but still had the feeling that not many people knew that Karate Kid and I were seeing each other. Arguably a good thing?

At one point during the night I had a stupid idea. Whilst we were dancing, I told Karate Kid that I was no longer threatened by Plain Jane Peasant Maiden and that he could dance with her. She seemed non threatening and definitely wasn’t looking radiant. But, as soon as I’d said it and we finished the song we were dancing to I felt panicked – was he going to talk to her? was he going to dance with her and have lots of fun?? I kept an eye on him and her for the rest of the night. They didn’t dance which was a relief. The anxiety was still strong inside….what had I done? I’d opened Pandora’s box.

At the end of the party, Karate Kid gave Plain Jane Peasant Maiden a big hug goodbye in front of me….I hated every second of it. Despite her being non-threatening and him denying feelings for her now, I still don’t like her. Big mistake allowing him to dance with her again, Diary, big mistake.

In the car on the way home, I told him that dancing with her was okay, but not being really friendly. He said to me that what we would now do is let each other know if we feel uncomfortable with the other dancing with particular people. I wanted to say that I’d changed my mind about allowing him to dance with Plain Jane Peasant Maiden…but this looked too insecure. Maybe I’d grow out of the jealousy? ……hmmmm let’s at least pretend to be optimistic, Dear Diary.

When we parted ways at my place Karate Kid mentioned Valentine’s Day. He said that his family were having a dinner on Wednesday night (February 14th) so that we couldn’t celebrate on the official day. I was disappointed that I wasn’t being invited along to the family event too after all our discussions of recent, but kept this to myself. He said that we could celebrate Valentine’s Day on Friday evening. Saturday would be busy with Yum Cha for Chinese New Year, movie-watching with friends and then dancing. Sunday I would be working…..a few weeks ago when he asked me if I was free that weekend I foolishly thought that he was planning something special for Valentine’s Day for us…turns out he just wanted to go and see Black Panther with a big group of people…..so disappointing, Diary.

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The next day, I decided that it was time to reclaim some of my spare time. It’s painful to admit, but Karate Kid is dragging the chain as much as he ever did before. It’s unlikely that he’ll introduce me to his family any time soon because I honestly believe that he doesn’t want to. I’m not going to force him to do anything that he doesn’t want to. My philosophy that I used to preach before I became the desperate mess that I feel I am today, is that if a man doesn’t meet your expectations than it’s best to find one that does rather than trying to change someone (or die waiting for them to grow).

During the day, Karate Kid sent a generic message and this gave me the opportunity to call him. He wanted to complain about one of his friends and then talk about which houses I was looking at renting (I’ve accepted that I’ll be making the decision and paying all the rent whilst he comes and goes as he pleases….). I had to interrupt him to end the conversation because I had things to do. Later on though, I did send a message. I figured that it was best to send it sooner rather than later because he surely wouldn’t have made Valentine’s Day plans yet (being organised is just not his style).

I sent a message that read:

“Glad you’re feeling better. Sorry I couldn’t talk before.

I forgot to say that my family want me to visit them this wknd. Haven’t seen them in a while. I’ll go to see them on Fri and will come back for yum cha Sat. I work Sun so restricted with time to fit it all in.

[The next part I ummed and arrred about including in the message, but decided to add it in so it was clear that I wasn’t ‘overlooking’ our loose Valentine’s Day plans]

We can celebrate v day another time. Maybe even leave it to next year when we have had a chance to get to know each other and have become closer. It does put a lot of awkward pressure on men and I’d rather it come from your heart than from obligation.

Xo”

Notice how he wasn’t invited to meet my family this time. It’s a privilege to meet them, not a common offer to be sniffed at. I still haven’t told my family about him yet and won’t be until the day that he starts personally introducing me to his family as his girlfriend.

It’s painful to say, but it’s true, Diary. I don’t think that he really wants to do something special for me. When he was ‘breaking’ the bad news to me that he was busy on Valentine’s Day he didn’t seem disappointed, more that it was a hassle to have to explain to me why and hoping that I wouldn’t get upset about it. Suggesting Friday also seemed as though he felt that he was putting in excessive effort.

Diary, I think dating Karate Kid has eroded my self confidence. Before, I expected to be treated like a Goddess/Princess. But now, after so much conditioning from Karate Kid, it feels like I’m a burden and asking too much to want to be treated special.

I’ve signed back up to online dating….I don’t really know what I’m doing, but am hoping that it might open my eyes to what is reasonable to expect. If Karate Kid finds out I won’t deny it. Hopefully, he won’t find out before I get the clarity that I’m searching for. I am not sure if I’ll be comfortable meeting with other men for coffees and dinners, but maybe that’s what I need to do to keep some perspective. Maybe just chatting online will be sufficient.

Anastasia xo

 

IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA]  123RF.COM