Dear Diary
Let’s catch up on everything else that has happened in the past week….
I didn’t mention to you in Entry 188, but my friend who has recently broken up with her boyfriend has entered herself into a radio station competition to potentially be selected to go to a Valentine’s Day event for singles. After our chat that day, I decided that I’d to the same too. I told my friend that despite liking Karate Kid, that things weren’t moving fast enough or in the right direction for me to be able to rely on him as a life partner to share a life with and have children to. I still have time for those things, but needed to invest my time in the right man – Karate Kid was a big risk.
I put my name into the draw for the Valentine’s Day event. Once you register there’s nothing that you can do to un-register, unless you’re selected and then politely decline their offer.
I decided that I needed to talk to Karate Kid that night. I had questions to ask him. I sent him a message after he finished work:
“When you’re free tonight it’d be good to talk. I’ll have my phone volume on so I can hear when you call“
He didn’t sent me a message before I went to sleep. I woke up close to midnight to the sound of my phone. We then spoke for about two hours. I asked him the following:
- What he thought of me and what he felt about me. He told me that he thought I was beautiful and that he liked some things about me and other things annoyed him (this last part still offends me). He then said that the word ‘love’ was a strong word and that he couldn’t use it for us.
This really hurt. The conversation was becoming an unpleasant experience for me, but necessary. I was hearing what I needed to hear to be able to detach myself from him.
- I also asked him what his vision of our relationship was for the next month, six months and twelve months. He said that he’d think about it and get back to me the next day….
This really didn’t impress me. But I allowed him to do this as it just gave me more ammunition to distance myself from him. In my opinion, he should have already thought about these things on his own and be able to tell me straight away.
He then turned my questions back on me and asked me how I felt about him. I told him that I thought he was a reliable person and partner and that I had special feelings for him. I told him that the feelings aren’t growing because I keep getting hurt and that I believed he’d never be capable of loving me.
He kept making excuses during the whole conversation about feeling lethargic all the time, not having money sometimes and I can’t even remember the rest of the excuses. He was trying so hard to squirm his way out of answering the questions.
Somehow, we got on to the topic of his significant relationship that damaged him. The girl that broke his heart by saying that she loved him and then turning around to tell him that she’d lied to him and that she didn’t mean what she’d said. Apparently, another man came and swept her off her feet and Karate Kid was left with nothing because he took too long playing games rather than dating her properly….sound familiar?
I asked if I knew this girl. He said yes….I asked if I could know her name….he said yes….the then eventually said her name and I didn’t recognise it….he said she was one of the work colleagues that we met at the in December (Can You Believe It? Entry 170)…I asked if he still talks to her….yes….and he said that they also talk about me sometimes. I asked if he still likes her…..he said that they are friends……I still didn’t like the sound of it, so I asked if he liked me as much as he liked her back then…..he paused….I waited what felt like 10 seconds before cutting in:
“You hesitated, that means no! this is what I mean. You are being cruel dragging me along when you’re not going to be capable of loving me. You still are not wanting to include me in your world. It’s like you’re ashamed of me”.
He cut me off. His voice got a bit croaky and he said that I was hurting him by saying these words. I slowed down a bit to let him talk. He said that he needed to open up more and that he was hurt so long ago that it’s hard to do.
I told him that in a normal relationship he’d: “Be so proud and excited to call me his girlfriend. You’d want to introduce me to your family so that we could all get to know each other.” I also told him that he mainly contributes to the relationship by driving to visit me. I do the rest in terms of local driving and cooking. I insinuated that coming to visit me wasn’t enough and that I could also easily travel to see him too but that he never invites me.
He made an excuse that his house is a mess and that his mother and step father aren’t the nicest of people. I told him that I wouldn’t be judging him if that is what he was worried about. He relaxed a little.
He then decided to answer my previous question that he initially postponed. He said that in the next month that he wanted me to meet more of his friends. In the next six months we could maybe live together. He didn’t elaborate on twelve months. He said that we could talk about the rest the next night when he came to visit and take me for a picnic.
It was almost 2am, so we wished each other goodnight and went to bed. I didn’t feel good about the conversation, but it was something to relieve the uncertainty that I harboured for the future of our relationship.
The next day I decided to call the Court House to get an update on my rental bond money. It’d been September 2017 that I’d gone in personally to give them 2,600 dollars so that they could seize, store and then auction the boat of my ex-landlord.
When I phoned, they claimed that they had no record of me paying the money and that’s why nothing had happened since….They went to get my file and then searched for a copy of the receipt….they couldn’t find it. They asked me if I could find my copy and send it to them (which sounded like a big headache as I’d likely have to get it certified so that I’d at least have a copy if they lost my one too!).
Thankfully, before the phone call ended they somehow found the receipt in my file. They hadn’t logged it in their electronic system before filing it…..Anyway, because so much time had lapsed they said that they’d follow up on it straight away.
The next day the Sheriff/Bailiff contacted me and said that unfortunately, the boat had already been quarantined by the Government for other bad debts that he had. There was no money left over for me. They then suggested that I pay another 25 dollars to run a check on his motor vehicle. I did this and found that the motor vehicle was not able to be touched as it had a loan on it and also had been dibbed by the Goverment for other debts….maybe my ex-landlord was almost bankrupt?
The only option that I have left of getting my money back is for personal belongings of value to be seized and sold i.e. paintings and superfluous furniture. The Sheriff/Bailiff told me that this would take a few weeks longer as there were ‘Red Alerts’ on my ex-landlord’s file….meaning he was violent (so glad I moved out!). A police escort would be required for when the house would be searched for thing of value.
Fingers crossed that this happens in the next fortnight and that hopefully, just hopefully, I see my money again. But to be honest, it isn’t about the money anymore, Diary. It’s about teaching this man a lesson – it’s not appropriate to intimidate and threaten females. It sickens me that he let my well-built male housemate leave a week before me without any issues with getting his money back, but abused me and intimidated me when I decided to leave. Not cool, not cool at all.
Tuesday evening, Karate Kid came to visit me after work. We were both tired because we had had the midnight conversation the night before.
The original plan was to have a picnic at a lookout. I was a bit stressed when Karate Kid arrived so shared with him the story of trying to get my bond money back. I’d never told him about it before because. He listened and empathised. I couldn’t tell if he was scared of me because I was bitter and seeking revenge on my ex-landlord. I hoped that he could understand and accept me, but also wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to run for the hills.
After that talk, we decided that it was too late to go to the lookout. So we decided to go to where we generally walk in the mornings on the weekends beside the water. He drove us and when we got there hardly any food places were open. We settled for takeaway cheap pizza. When they asked for a name for the order he said ‘Batman and Wonder Woman’. This was really cute.
We ate our pizza at a picnic table under the stars and beside the water. We didn’t talk about too much personal stuff, just general things. I figured that he’d feel more comfortable at home.
When we got back to my place we got ready for bed. I was waiting for him to start talking, but it didn’t happen. We went to sleep and didn’t wake up until the next morning. I made us breakfast and then we left for work.
I didn’t have too much time to get upset that day as I was busy with work and then meeting with The Millionaire (Entry 189). It wasn’t until late that night that I started to get upset and couldn’t sleep. I was so disappointed that he was avoiding talking with me about our future and what he wanted. It just wasn’t fair how selfish he was being.
At midnight, I sent him the following message:
“Hey KK
I hope that you enjoyed your dinner out.
We didn’t get to talk last night about things. I know that you’d rather avoid it, I understand that it’s not comfortable because there’s things at stake.
It’s really important to me that I get some clarity because I still believe everything I told you about what I think I am to you. I know that you don’t see me as the love of your life, and that’s okay. I really need to hear you say these words so that I can process it and move on.
I’m sorry I don’t mean as much to you as XX did, even if it was 13 years ago, she still was more special to you than I ever will be. Your silence said it all when I asked if you liked me as much as you did her.
I think you need to spend time healing yourself from your past wounds before you try finding love again.”
About thirty minutes later he called me and we spoke.
Firstly, we argued about how significant this XX was to him many years ago. The other night, he had pretty much insinuated that he had stronger feeling for this other woman many years ago than what he holds for me right now.
He told me that they never dated and that it was a crush. Apparently, she had indicated to him that she liked him and he didn’t pursue that. When she met someone else she still hinted to him that she had feelings for him. I think, eventually, when he indicated interest in her that she then told him that she was not interested in him and that she had never loved him. I highlighted to Karate Kid that the word ‘love’ came up a lot so that it must have been more significant than he was willing to admit to me that night.
He then went on to say that he was unemployed at the time and going through a tough time emotionally. She was the only positive thing in his life at the time and that it helped him a lot.
He told me that he felt uncomfortable the time he read about how much I loved my ex-boyfriend in the book I’m writing. I told him that he had nothing to worry about it. He still was uncomfortable and asked what I’d do if they came back into my life. I told him that if the first ex-boyfriend did that I’d slap him in the face and then kick him in his ball-sack for being so selfish stealing my virginity without my consent and then leading me on for years with no intention of ever formalising things with me.
The second ex-boyfriend, well, he had nothing to worry about as I’d already made the choice without him knowing. I told him that I had a different trip to Spain planned in 2017 and that my second ex-boyfriend found out and wanted to meet up with me over there. I said that things were starting to go well with him (KK, that is) and so I decided it wasn’t appropriate to meet up with my ex-boyfriend and so cancelled the trip.
He then brought up the third ex-boyfriend who treated me poorly. I said that I wouldn’t even call him an ex because I didn’t have strong enough feelings for him when we were dating and that I don’t want anything to do with him. I said that I liked him (KK) much more than the third ex-boyfriend.
I then went on to say that he had didn’t ever tell me about what his vision for the next twelve months of our relationship was. He pretty much said that we would be living together. I then asked if he’d like to hear why my vision was for the next month, six months and twelve months. He was interested and so I was very open and honest.
I told him that by one month we should have both met each other’s families. I told him that I was still anxious about meeting his as they may not like me at all and if they didn’t, that things would be over between us. He told me that their opinion wouldn’t matter (I find this hard to believe though, I’m sure that they’d intervene if they didn’t like me and that’d force him to let me go). I told him that culturally, his family may not accept me because we have different backgrounds and that we wouldn’t know until we knew.
I then told him that my family would accept him and that he had nothing to worry about. I said that we could gently introduce each other to our families with short exposures until we both felt comfortable around them. He liked the sound of this.
For six month vision, I said that we would be living together. We would visit both our families regularly and do things with our friends. We would go away for little trips here and there and also do our own things on weeknights (like his martial arts classes).
For twelve month vision, I paused a little to collect my thoughts and think of how best to phrase it. I said that after twelve months that if things were going well enough that he’d be wanting to secure a future with me so that no other man could have me (hinting at a proposal). When I said this, I could feel his awkward energy through the phone. He ummed and then said that by that stage we would have spent lots of time together….I assume he was saying by then he’d know if he would want to marry me or not.
I said that if we wanted to have children together that we would have to plan it so that it would happen when I was fertile enough. Sometimes it takes couples years to fall pregnant (his best friend and his wife, who is my friend, are perfect examples of this). He seemed even more uncomfortable over the phone and said that he felt that he may be getting too old by that stage to have kids…..my heart sank…I was so sure that he wanted children, maybe he had changed his mind.
He then went on to say that he had already decided on the names of his children, well, at least those of the girls. This made me feel more comfortable but I didn’t feel it appropriate to get too excited – he hadn’t said that he wanted them with me – there’s a big difference between wanting children and wanting to have children with someone, after all.
The conversation took two hours. At the end, I felt more at peace, but still unhappy with the outcome as I didn’t feel he was committed to a future with me enough and that he wasn’t excited enough. I felt that I’d scared him off and that he may go away and change his mind completely.
The next morning, I decided to send a message to try to salvage whatever remained of our relationship:
“Good morning cuddly raccoon
I am sorry for causing you stress yesterday evening.
After talking last night things are seeming much clearer and that gives me a lot of peace of mind. I hope that you’re feeling comfortable with everything. I also hope that you don’t feel judged from sharing so many sensitive things with me. I appreciate it and don’t feel any less attracted to you, in reality I feel closer because I understand you more and feel closer to you.
I am looking forward to getting to know you more and meeting important people in your life. I’m also looking forward to introducing you to other important people in my life too.
Thinking about doing more adult things with you later on also feels good and exciting. It relaxes me so much because I can see where things are headed and it looks beautiful. I think we could create something amazing together that could last a lifetime.
I hope that you have a good day and are feeling well despite your tummy being upset last night and by having a late night because we were talking.
*kisses on your cheek, nose, forehead and lips*“
I wanted to get the ball rolling and also test to see how serious he was about committing to a future with me. I also didn’t want to put too much pressure on as I was sure that he was still squirming from the conversation the night before. So during my morning tea break, I sent the following message:
“Hello again xo
I’ve been thinking that I could move out earlier because I really want to. You could join me later on when you’re ready.
Here are some interesting ones at the moment that are furnished. I think getting to work for you would be easy from XX suburb or XX suburb. We can also get resident permits for parking. I’m just putting out ideas, no need to rush anything, okay 🙂
https://XX
This in has two car parks allocated. One secure and one not.
https://XX
Close to bus station for you to commute.
https://XX
We could be neighbors with your best friend and his wife!
Xo“
That afternoon, Karate Kid finally said something:
“Good afternoon wabbit, I’m really tired, had any 4 coffees already. I’m going to head home to sleep now. I will check out the links when i wake up or tomorrow. Hope you have a great time at samba. 🙂“
He was pretty much saying that I was the reason why he was tired and that he had no plans to see me or talk to me that night. I tried to keep open and loving with my reply, despite feeling hurt.
“Poor raccoon. I’m sorry, it’s because we were up talking so late last night.
I really did appreciate you opening up and being completely honest with me last night. I think it’s what I’ve been needing to hear for a long time. I just needed to know that we wanted the same things and were moving in the right direction.
Xo”
I didn’t hear from Karate Kid that night or the following morning. After I finished work, there was a message waiting for me from Karate Kid:
“Hello wabbit, the links didn’t work. I will try again when i get home. I’m not feeling good, so i am heading home to rest now. Hope you had a great day today.”
He called me wabbit, which meant that he still maybe liked me? but he didn’t want to see me….was he just pretending so that he could buy himself more time away from me to clear his thoughts?
I replied:
“I hope that you start feeling better soon. Rest well“
I was too hurt to call him cuddly raccoon or to sign off with ‘xo’.
A few hours later he sent through a message:
“The flats looks fine….but really need to go for an inspection. My only concern is the traveling distance and time to get to work for you. XX area will be crazy…. you probably need to go through the toll“
Did this mean that he was committed to the idea of moving in with me? or was he still just buying time and pretending to be supportive?
I decided to call him as I was driving to meet with a friend that night to go for an evening walk. He seemed okay on the phone but said he felt he was coming down with something. He said that he’d sleep and that if he felt better later that he’d come to visit me after I had arrived home.
At about 10.30pm, I sent him a message to tell him that I was leaving my friend’s place. About twenty minutes later he sent the following:
“Hmmmm it is a long drive. … will you be awake?“
I was still driving home when I received his message so I tried calling him so that it didn’t sound bad when I suggest that he stay at home. Maybe he was already driving over? But, I felt that he was ignoring my call. But he didn’t answer so I sent him a text message:
“I just got home. It is a long drive, esp if you’re not feeling well.
I always love seeing you and would wake up to let you in. I understand if you need to rest too 🙂 I can wait til tomorrow“
I showered and then cleaned my place to prepare for him arriving in case he had already started the drive. Twenty minutes later, Karate Kid sent:
“Ok. I will see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams. :)”
I think the dynamics have changed, Diary, I don’t think he is going to want to see me as much anymore because I’m putting too much pressure on him now….
Anastasia
IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA] 
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The Contemporary Princess 