Trying To Contain The Crazy – Entry 184

Dear Diary

I have been trying so, so hard. I really have. I thought that if I gave myself some space and time away from Karate Kid that my irritability would blow over…..turns out that it got worse. Maybe it’s best to let a little bit of crazy out at regular intervals rather than trying to ignore it until it explodes creating mass chaos? Either way, I think that we can both agree that I’m my own worst enemy (but with my best interests at heart).

The last we spoke it was getting close to Sunday – the pool party. I was already feeling irritated by Karate Kid for all the reasons mentioned in the last entry. I was feeling a bit sensitive and fragile as well from lack of sleep for the past week due to being on-call for work.

I awoke on Sunday with a sense of relief – only one more night of on call! I had the day to myself before the on-call started again at 4pm. I went for a long walk and then made myself a delicious breakfast. Despite this, I was still feeling irritated with regards to Karate Kid. Maybe it was all the little inconsiderate things he’d done over the past week? or maybe it was just me being exhausted from on-call and premenstrual?

Karate Kid sent through a message at 10.30pm:

Goooood morning beautiful wabbit….I hope no more phone calls last night and things went OK. Just one more night to go!!!

Hahaha I had a couple of people ask about you! [at the dance party he went to Saturday night]”

I didn’t feel like replying to his message. Who were these people anyway? and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it because now people were starting to realise that we were seeing each other. Maybe I wasn’t ready to go public, it’s kind of a step backwards, but I’m allowed to change my mind, right?

At 12.37pm, he sent another message:

[the host] said it is ok to come early. Come to the bbq/swim if you can. It will be fun. You are beautiful Anastasia :)”

Screw him. I shouldn’t have told him that I was feeling self-conscious about my body. It was partly his fault that I haven’t been exercising much lately. Too many evenings cooking him calorie rich food and then not getting to do morning or evening exercise.

I went shopping to the nearby haberdashery to get clips to fix one of my costumes. I had signed myself up for a Brazilian Carneval parade happening in the city next month. I dusted off some of my old costumes and found one that would be perfect….it just needed a little bit of TLC (tender loving care) to be restored to it’s former glory. It only took me half an hour once I got home to fix it – excellent work Anastasia….now just to restore the body to look more athletic. I had about a month and that would be enough. I think this parade was partly the reason why I have been feeling so self conscious lately. I need to be bikini ready in a month’s time!

At 12:48pm, I replied to Karate Kid:

I’ll come but only for a little bit. I’m leaving my bathers at home. What’s [the host’s] address?”

I took my time getting to the party. I would only stay from 2-3pm so that I had time to get home and freshened up before going on call.

I had to wait at the intercom at the units for about 5 minutes before Karate Kid came down to fetch me. I had tried calling him but he didn’t answer so I tried calling The Dance Teacher who gave me The Host’s number. Karate Kid had arrived at the front door by then.

I was really irritable for the hour that I was there. I didn’t want Karate Kid touching me and I didn’t want to be there at all. I knew that I’d be missing out on all the fun later on. On-call really kills your social life.

Anyway, when I decided that it was time for me to go, Karate Kid insisted on taking my by the hand to walk me out. I didn’t really feel like talking to him in the lifts or at the car. He said that he was glad that I had made the effort to go. He also said that he wanted to call me later that night to talk to me about the camping trip coming up and other things. I gave him a semi-weak kiss goodbye and drove off.

I really don’t like waiting around to be phoned, Diary. I don’t like waiting in general. I figured that he must have been busy having fun with our friends. At 8:21pm, when he did eventually send me a text message, I wasn’t interested in talking anymore:

Wabbit, are you having an early night tonight? :)”

He knows that if he wants to talk he should ring. I don’t always hear the text messages come through. It’s as if he didn’t want to talk because he sent a text message instead of calling. I ignored the message.

I was hoping that I’d wake up the next morning less sensitive….no luck. I sent him a message just before I started work:

Have a good day”

This was really cold for me. Normally I’d at least stay ‘good morning cuddly raccoon’ or finish off with ‘xo’. I didn’t care though, I figured that I’d feel like talking later on when my mood blew over.

At 7:08pm, he sent me a message:

Lol tired…more dramas at work….I hope you had a good day 🙂

Looks like XX and YY didn’t book an individual campsite in time. I told her that she can stay in the large cabins with us. We need to talk about carpooling and other things relating to camping!

We will skip bowling [with his cousins] if we are too tired but hoping to still make it to Korean BBQ….lol…..[with his cousins again – it’d be my first time meeting them].

Can you confirm 10th is still free? (group ice skating) and also the weekend of the 15th/16th Feb? :)”

This message didn’t make me feel better. He obviously wanted to bum a lift off me for the camping. The bowling and Korean BBQ I didn’t know if I wanted to go anymore, meeting the family wasn’t a priority of mine anymore, not after he mocked me for wanting a serious relationship with him last week. As for ice skating, not too keen. And there is no 15th/16th weekend in February. He was obviously trying to plan something for Valentine’s Day. Again, I didn’t really care anymore. I rolled over and went to sleep.

The next morning, at 6am, I sent him a reply:

It’ll be more fun having them stay with us all in the cabins if they are happy to do that.

I can still do ice skating. Did you mean 17th/18th Feb? I work Sunday 18th”

At 5.26pm, he replied to me:

Yes! Cool. Keep it free 🙂

Been thinking of you. I don’t think you have started dance class yet? Have you got any plans for tonight? Let’s discuss stuff and make plans! :)”

How bizarre. You’d think by Tuesday I’d have gotten over my moodiness and miss him enough to want to see him. I still wanted my own space though. I ignored his message and started getting ready to go for an evening walk.

Partway through my walk I decided to send him a message:

Not sure what time I’ll be home, maybe in 2 hours. I don’t have any food prepared either. Maybe we can talk on the phone when I get home or text.”

Six minutes after, he sent a reply:

All good. I like your cooking but it’s not why I come over. I like spending time with you. Actually I should come over and cook for you next week. No promises it will be good :p

Text when you are home :)”

I decided to extend my evening walk. I was in no rush to get home. I didn’t want to talk to Karate Kid. If I arrived too early he’d want to come over and I didn’t want this. I just wanted to be alone and enjoy my own company. Was it because I was crazy and premenstrual? or was it just everything? had I finally given up?

I did have a conversation on the phone with a friend for part of my 2.5hr walk. They asked me if I’d told my family about Karate Kid yet….nope, no intention to either. Oooo and other news! Because Karate Kid changed his mind about wanting to do the China trip with me I’ve invited my Father. I suggested to him that we invite my Mother and Brother too (expecting them to say no)….and they are all interested! So I will do some investigating. Looks like it’ll be a family trip to China in the next few months!

At the end of my walk I had to stretch a bit. I was well on my way to getting my bikini body for the February parade. I showered and snacked when I arrived home. I ran out of things to procrastinate with so eventually sent Karate Kid a message:

I’m free to talk now”

I regretted sending it. I really didn’t want to talk to him. I was feeling emotional and sensitive and couldn’t put my finger on it. He called almost immediately after.

It was a short phone call. Mainly because I didn’t really talk much. He told me that he had set up the event for the ice skating and that he’d come and stay over on Thursday night so that we could get ready for camping on Friday morning. I told him that I had a dance class on Thursday night and he said that he could come afterwards.

He still wanted to talk but I wasn’t engaging in the conversation. He said that I sounded tired so that he’d let me go. Thank God.

The next morning I logged into Facey. I had a look at the ice skating event. Some part of my intuition prodded me to look at the guest list. I was expecting to see Plain Jane Peasant Maiden’s name – nope. BUT, there was a name that was invited that made my eye want to twitch and protrude from it’s socket – AA, one of the girls in my classified folder in the dark depths of my laptop. They are picture from Karate Kid’s timeline. I have photos of her kissing Karate Kid whilst ice skating a few years ago plus other couple shots…..she hadn’t RSVP’d yet, but he had specifically invited her and this was my issue. I didn’t care if she was in a relationship with someone else now per Facey. It was poor form on Karate Kid’s part. No way in the world I was going to skate on the same ice as her.

I did so well, Diary. I really did. I went for a walk and tried to distract myself….I tried so hard. I lasted about 1.5 hours before I decided to draft a text message that I didn’t intend on sending….then I thought that I could send it at the end of the day so not to interrupt his work…..then I thought that I’d put so much effort into writing it and it was exactly how I felt that it wouldn’t hurt sending it……so I did:

“Hey, few changes you should know about. I’m going to be busy tonight and Thursday night so can’t see you. Friday morning I’ll be doing my own thing too.
You should start thinking of someone else to get a lift with to and from camping. That way you’ll be able to make the bowling and Korean BBQ. I won’t be going bcos I’m not ready to meet your family.
For ice skating, I haven’t RSVP’d because I couldn’t find the ‘snowball’s chance in hell’ option. You have fun with AA. Best to keep your Ex’s close as you never know when you might have the opportunity to get with them again. I think you should invite BB and Plain Jane Peasant Maiden too. Looks like they had fun in all the lovey-dovey pics with you the last few times ice skating – I’m not joining them on your wall of shame.
For V-Day I’ll do my own thing. It’s historically a day for lovers. Keep your money.
You can go and laugh with XX [the guy with foot-in-mouth disease that I mentioned in the last entry] now about how crazy I am. It’s so pathetic that women want to be in a loving relationship – let’s laugh at them and mock them to their faces.”

It took him 20 minutes to reply:

I am going to see you tonight, to sort this out. I wanted to talk about last about stuff and open up about my past but you seem tired and uninterested.

When did i say these girls were my exs? They are just friends. I have never dated any of them or been with any of them. Yes, i went on a couple of dates with Janey.

This reply made me rage so much – L . I . A . R . What was his deal lying to me? I had photographic evidence and he’d just given me permission to use it. Gloves were off now. Inviting his Ex to an activity he used to do with her is one thing, lying to me is a whole other thing.

I fumed as I completed my morning walk. I looked up hotel room rates too. Anastasia was disappearing for the next two nights. Like usual, Karate Kid wouldn’t respect my wishes so I needed to extract myself from the situation. Talking to him at the moment was a really bad idea because I was really angry. I didn’t want to be swayed and confused by his lies either.

When I got home I prepped an email. I attached most of the couple photos that I had of him with AA (the one he invited to ice skating), BB (the one my girl friend thinks is stunning but isn’t really that good looking in my opinion) and Plain Jane Peasant Maiden (who we all know already). I made sure that I firstly attached all of the ice skating photos. Then I put the two photos of AA kissing him on the cheek and then his profile pic with her (I made sure that I screen shotted her comment ‘I can’t believe I made it to the profile pic!’). Then I didn’t care what order the rest of the photos came in. All I can say is that all 14 of them proved my point – he was seeing them at the time the photos were taken.

I then prepared my text message:

Pardon me, ex sex toys or dirty secrets, whatever it is that you call us. Email coming soon.

I’m busy and not at my place for next two nights. Not interested in talking or sorting anything out. There’s nothing to sort.

From Mushroom
(The one you keep hidden in the dark and feed crap to)

After sending the text message I also sent the email with the photos attached. I put as the subject heading ‘Ex girls’ if he wanted to be politically correct about it.

The hotel is booked for the next two nights. Peace at last, Diary.


 

In other news, I can’t remember if I told you already. My Boss got back to me and is happy for me to use my annual leave so that I can go down to work four days a week on most weeks! I am so happy. It really will make a big difference, even if it’s only for the next few months.

 

I haven’t heard anything more from The Millionaire. I have a feeling that he may be waiting for me to tell him when I’m free this week – Anastasia doesn’t chase. Technically, it is my turn to respond as he was the last one to send a message late last week:

I’m still at work at XX down here 🙂 enjoy your night

I’m really not good company at the moment, Diary. I’m sure that he’ll forgive me. He’s a busy man. I think it’s excusable for me to assume that he’s busy managing his multi-million dollar business.

Anastasia

 

 

IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA] © 123RF.COM

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