Arguments From My Ivory Tower – Entry 185

Dear Diary

Things kind of got a lot worse before they got better after my last entry…..

To refresh your memory, I told Karate Kid that I’d not be going ice skating, that I’d not be meeting his cousins that Saturday evening, that we wouldn’t be doing anything on Valentine’s Day and that he wasn’t coming in my car to go camping that weekend. This was all sparked by my jealousy and outrage when I saw that he’d invited a certain girl to his ice skating event scheduled for 10th February…..a certain girl that I’d seen in photos with him over the years looking very cozy and couple-like.

I’d also sent him an email with a number of photos from his timeline of him with three particular girls. I wanted to make a point that he’d gone ice skating with all these girls that he really liked and that I wouldn’t be photographed during this right-of-passage to join them on his Facebook wall of shame.

I really wish I could show you the photos, Dear Diary. If you saw them then you’d understand. The issue is that it’s too hard to hide the identities of the people in them. If I covered their faces you wouldn’t be able to see the immense happiness of Karate Kid’s face in all of them.

He eventually replied to my angry message with:

No, you are my girlfriend. I’m introducing you to my cousins, my sisters. I have told my friends. I’m a introvert by nature, takes me a while to open up. Ask [his best friend], he has never met my family before.

I was looking foward to V day, looking forward to camping with you. Looking forward to korean bbq/bowling. I asked for the pool party for us to hang out with our friends.

I’m going thru the photos of us this morning wondering if i should upload because i also worried that you wont permit the tags. There have been photos which you haven’t permitted a tag on.

I tried to come up to you to hug you at the pool party but you were cold and you left early. I wanted to come over on late Sunday to chat because you seemed stress but you didn’t answer my sms til the next day.

I wanted to see you this week because i enjoy spending time with you. I even got Minions movie for us to watch. I rang you last night to chat, to hear about your day but you seemed uninterested/tired.

You don’t think i hurt too? Hearing all this from you? I’m hurting right now.”

I didn’t reply. He had no leg to stand on. I had hard evidence that he was still in contact with his ex-girlfriends. It was unacceptable inviting them to a group event that I’d be going to….it was unacceptable inviting them to anything at all!

He later sent a second message:

I just saw your email. I understand, there are some photos.

Both AA and BB have been my dance partners. We have been in numerous photos, both dancing and non dancing.

I have never dated them or been with them. I haven’t seen both for a long time. I have nothing to hide. Even then, they are old photos.

When we are together, i was exclusively yours. I have not dated or slept with someone else.

I created the ice skating event because we had a great time last time and i wanted our friends to join us.

I didn’t accept anything in this last message. The photos told a different story and I couldn’t ignore them. How dare he invite one of them to an event.

I waited until I could compose myself before replying:

Don’t upload anything please. We have discussed it multiple times and each time you said you didn’t want ppl seeing the photos. Finally, I agree with you, best to keep all photos of me hidden. Best that you delete all the ones you have on your phone too.

You wanted to invite our friends? AA isn’t my friend, I don’t know her. You haven’t spoken to her in ages. Why would I want to meet her when there are photos of her kissing you? And you both all over each other? Say what you want and I’ll believe what I see. The photos speak for themselves. Something was going one with them all. You look so happy in the pics too, more happier than you ever are when you were with me.”

This was all true. I wasn’t fishing for a reaction, I was telling him exactly what I was thinking. He looked extremely happy in all the photos with these other girls. In photos with me he never looks excited or that he’s romantically interested in me.

I didn’t hear from him for a few hours…..this made me even angrier. Was he ignoring the problem? or was he communicating with these other girls and trying to organise a time to see them so that he could have an opportunity at dating them again? There was a lot going through my mind. I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I was in my hotel room all alone and didn’t appreciate being ignored….so I sent him some provocative text messages.

I selected two photos of him with BB. Anyone looking at the photos would safely assume that they were a couple. I then sent him a message:

These two are my favourites. You look so happy. Such a good couple you guys made. You are holding her so tight too, so much love and desire. Tighter than you’ve ever held me. No wonder why you were happy to display it to the world.

Sorry that I cause you so much shame that you needed to hide me and pretend that I didn’t exist.”

I then clicked on the ice skating event so I could rage some more about AA being personally invited…..to my horror, BB was also invited! I hadn’t scrolled far enough the first time! I was so angry after seeing AA’s name on the list I stopped scrolling.

Angrier than ever, I sent him another message:

I realised that you already invited BB to be there too to ice skating……she must be unforgettable

There was no way I was going to let him squirm out of this one. Caught, red handed and red faced. But, he didn’t reply…….this made me even angrier. I tried calling him and he didn’t answer…..not. impressed.

I waited a bit longer and then sent another message:

I guess you don’t have much more to say.
I don’t think there’s much more than I can say either.
How about we just be friends? It’ll take me time before I can look you in the eye properly or let you hold me whilst dancing. But eventually I’ll heal, just can’t promise when.”

Still. no. response…..not. impressed. getting. even. angrier.

So, I logged onto Facey Messenger, I knew that he’d be online as he always is.

I sent him a series of messages:

I just sent you a few text messages for you to have a think about.
But I have a feeling that you aren’t interested in talking to me atm
That’s fine, it isn’t a cool situation
It makes me feel really sick on the inside.”
He responded almost immediately:
HI, i have just upload your birhtday vids
my phone is in my room
Me (ignoring his message):
But you need to look out for what your heart says is best for you. IF these girls are so important to you than go for it
Him: “not in the computer room
That’s a weak excuse. If you know that your girlfriend is upset with you the wise thing to do is be within arm’s reach of your phone.
Me: “Well, pretty much I said that I noticed that you had already invited BB because you
must love her still 
and then I sent the photos that I like of you both the best
you look so happy in the photos and you have your hands all over her like you don’t want to let her go 
so much desire and attraction between you guys.
You made a great couple 
lots of chemistry
I can see why you don’t want to forget her”
Him: “like i said before, AA and BB are friends who i did a dance performance.
i added them in the event because they can ice skate.
Me (still searching to make a point):
and you kiss and cuddle with them whilst ice skating.
I get it.
You take all girls ice skating bcos it’s a cute couples activity
Him: “you are the only one i had taken ice skating as a date
Me: “That’s why I can’t go. I don’t want my photo up there with theirs.
It’s your ‘thing’ and I’m not one of ‘them’
Well, when we were first seeing each other you didn’t call it ‘dating’
Him: “those were group outings with AA and BB
Me (playing the victim card): “you hid me. What’s to say you weren’t just seeing how far
you could get with them and they liked the attention
I’ve already shown the pics to some friends and they all agree that something was going on in all the photos
I can even ask AA and BB what it was like dating you and see what they say
Would be interesting”
Him: “AA kissed me last group ice skating to recreate the old photo where she random
kissed me. she recreate the the same photo with [other guy friend] doing a dip
i have NEVER DATED BB or AA
Such a fool. When a man argues with an angry woman it is always in vain:
You don’t date anyone KK. You have flings and play with people leading them on.
My point still stands firmly as it has from the start – you aren’t ashamed to advertise intimacy to the world with these women.”
Him (probably realising he’ll never win the argument): “i have just created our album
Too little too late. He should have been adding photos of me a long time ago. I also knew that he would have the privacy settings so that no one else could see them….I was right. I looked at the photos quickly and didn’t like any of them.
Me (stringing out my victim card): “And it’s at a point where it’s too far gone.
I used to want everyone to know so that ppl would know that I wasn’t single anymore. Now I don’t care. It’s been too long.
You should take it down. I wouldn’t want to scare off all the other women in your life.”
It was true. I’d begged for so long to be ‘accepted’ by him that the novelty and shine had worn off.
Him: “going to ring you
He then sent a link to short videos from my birthday party in December that he shot.
Me: “I’m in a bad mood
Him: “i have been in a bad mood all day
still looking for phone
Me: “I don’t look like the other women. You look happier with them than you do with me.
They [photos of us] all look really casual. The photos with the other girls look so much more intimate and passionate.
Karate Kid then phoned. There was no yelling. I was very quiet and didn’t have much to say. He tried to plead his innocence but I told him that I wasn’t interested in hearing what he had to say.  At the end of the phone call he said that he’d see me after my dance class in the city the following night. He said that we could go for a walk and then find somewhere nice to eat. I did feel slightly better going to bed that night.

The next afternoon, Karate Kid sent through a message:

I have added more photos to highlights 2017 hehe….. i am tempted now to create full albums instead…. 🙂

I knew that he was ‘trying’ but it didn’t mean anything. I had had to beg so many times and the album was still blocked from the rest of the world. I didn’t like any of the photos either. They were nothing compared to the photos of him with the other girls.

I waited a few hours and decided that it didn’t feel right to casually meet up with him again as if everything was okay. He’d crossed a line by specifically inviting those two women to the ice skating event – what was he thinking? the only thing a man would be thinking, that one day he might have the opportunity to be with them so best to keep on their good side.

I replied:

I’m still upset. It doesn’t matter what you say, in my mind you’re cheating in a way because all I can see is how happy you were with the girls in all the pictures. It’s the truth that you look so much happier than whenever you’re with me and you look in love with them. You hold BBso tightly in every photo not wanting to let her go, you can’t contain the joy of embracing the woman you love, I can see it on your face. You’ve never done that with me. You hardly touch me when people are around the whole time we have been seeing each other. For the few months you’d drop my hand and move away if you saw ppl you knew.
Those photos of you with the girls make the ones of us look like we are just friends hanging out. The photos of us are just average and have no passion. They are nothing compared to you with BB and AA.
From the desire you had in your eyes in every photo I can see why you’d want to keep them in your life. I understand why you want them to come ice skating. You loved them all, secretly or not. I can’t compete and don’t want to. The heart chooses and you have subconsciously chosen them.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to see each other tonight. I really am feeling sensitive and hurting so much.

I then skipped my dance class (in case he went there looking for me) and instead went for a 2 hour bike ride in the city.

When I got home, there was no word from Karate Kid….this infuriated me. Almost four hours after my last message, I sent another one:

There’s a dance party tonight. You should go, that’s the style you dance with BB right? She might be there tonight

He replied soon after:

I understand you are still upset. These were old photos that display some intimacy but are innocent in nature. A snap shot in time. I understand how these photos would upset you.

Our photos are of us having fun at an event. Enjoying life. Sharing memories. I am also happy in these photos too. I love the photos of us as they mean something. These other photos mean nothing.

Our true happiness and intimacy have not been caught in photo. Times we cuddle, kiss, snuggle. These were private moments. Then there are Times we watch scary movies, despicable mes, pizza making.

There is no competition, because I chose you already as you’re the one i want to be with. I will come and see you tonight as i miss you.”

Him (again): “No. I’m driving to your place. I was waiting for your text.

This is why I booked myself into a hotel room. I knew that he wouldn’t listen to me. I sent him some messages trying to convince him not to come:

I’m not there”

I told you yesterday that I’m not at my place”

I found myself somewhere to stay because I didn’t want to be forced to talk when I wasn’t in the right frame of mind”

I’m serious, I’m not at home”

I’m not even Northside so you’re wasting your petrol”

He still hadn’t replied over an hour later. I was a little concerned that he may have crashed his car. I figured it was more likely that he was ignoring me. So I sent some more messages:

Not sure where you’ve ended up.
Talking over the phone would have been sufficient. If you’d stopped to read my messages and listen to me we could have talked about you coming to where I’m actually staying.
I found somewhere to stay because you don’t listen to me when I say that I need space or time alone. I really didn’t want to talk yesterday I was so upset.

He didn’t reply which made me angry:

You would have made it to my place by now and be well on your way to the dance party or home.
I’m going to go to bed because it’s late and I haven’t heard from you.”

I then tried to sleep but couldn’t. He was ignoring me and it just hurt so much because it showed that he really didn’t care. So I sent a screen shot of my phone…it was of his profile in my phone. His photo was now of him hugging BB.

Twenty minutes later he finally replied:

Hi, i reached your place and saw your messages. I decided to give you space. I’m siting at fast food place with [his best friend].”

This was getting serious. He was obviously complaining about me to his friend! how rude!

I sent him some more angry messages:

Show him the photos and get his opinion on how in love you are in all of the pics and then ask him if he thinks it’s appropriate for them to be invited ice skating. Then ask Natalie for a woman’s opinion in case you still think I’m overreacting and pathetic.”

Don’t forget to tell him that you didn’t want to be seen in public with me for months until I spoke up about how hurtful it was….then it still took ages.
And don’t forget to tell him how you prefer to hide pics of us bcos you’re ashamed of me.”

“And that you’d drop my hand and move away from me if you saw ppl you knew.

Twenty minutes later he replied….but I was suspicious that his best friend was feeding him a script of what to say:

I read your message about giving you space. So i gave you space. If this is not what you want, you need to tell me what you want specifically because i can’t read your mind.”

What’s with this attitude? It wasn’t helping the situation at all. He continued on and sounded nothing like himself:

While you may have a misunderstanding that’s understandable however sending that message about “updating my profile pic” is uncalled for and unconstructive. It will just lead to unnecessary arguments.”

Me? Misunderstanding? foolish, foolish boys. I’d be willing to put the photos up on Facebook for a public poll on who thinks that the people in the photo are dating and see what people say.

To my surprise, his friend then sent me one messages to my phone.

Sorry, didnt realise u dont have fb access on ur phone.

Here r the msg i send earlier.

I saw the photos and i know the girls. Its actually pretty normal for their personalities. Also, in dancing, those types of photo don’t mean much. I have similar photo with girls that doesn’t mean a thing.

And KK didn’t date either one of them.
Actually, they both have partners already. So, nothing to worry about

It isn’t fun being ganged up on, Diary. It was late at night and the situation was not going anywhere. I decided the raise the white flag.

I replied to his friend: “Thanks for looking out for him, XX. You’re a good friend.”

Me: “I’m sorry.

Karate Kid then sent a reply 3 minutes later:

Don’t worry about. I understand. Lets have an open conversation so that we can get our expectations in line so that it doesn’t happen again.”

Me: “After you’re done with your catchup with XX

KK: “Doesn’t have to be tomorrow but lets have one soon. Hopefully it will ease your concerns and get us on the same page. Because you are special to me and i want you to be happy. 🙂

Tomorrow? or later? Excuse me?

Me: “Okay, I would rather sort it out now while I’m less angry. But if you want to prove a point and not see me then that’s fine. As much as I’d like to have a say, I know that I’m going to be even more upset with you the longer it is. Over the phone is fine if you don’t want to see me too.”

Karate Kid called straight after and his voice was shaky on the phone. He told me that he was tired and didn’t feel like staying up late talking. This made me so angry. He was always up late at night online – this was an issue that needed resolving and we both had the next day off – there was no excuse!

I spoke firmly to him over the phone. I told him that I was ready to talk right then and there and that I was really upset and now was the time to talk otherwise I’d get even more upset. He said that he’d come straight over…..and he did.

I gave him the address of my hotel and he arrived within 15 minutes. We spoke for a while. I can’t remember everything because a lot has happened between now and then. What I do remember is him saying that at dancing we’d share the first two dances and the last dance. He also said that if he wanted to dance with me that I’d need to excuse myself from whichever man I was talking to for him. I thought that this was reasonable.

I told him that I didn’t care what the relationship with AA and BB was, that I NEVER wanted to meet them or be friends with them. He said that this was okay (not that he had a choice). I also highlighted again how crushing it was to know how ashamed he was to be seen with me and for him to hide me from the world…then, have photos like the ones with those girls freely on his profile for the world to see. It just didn’t make sense in my head. He said that he’d be uploading more photos. I said it was best not to have them up because I wasn’t sure I was ready.

I also told him that I wasn’t comfortable meeting his family yet, not when I had so much doubt about ‘us’. I also said that I feel nervous meeting them because we have different backgrounds and I’d been rejected badly once before for not being from the same culture as an ex-boyfriend. He agreed that it was probably too much meeting all his cousins at the one time. He said that his sister didn’t have a problem with me being from a different background and that we could go shopping with her and her child one day.

It was maybe 2am by the time we got to sleep. We had reconciled our relationship and things felt more solid and positive.

The next morning we needed to get up early to prepare for the group camping trip…..

Anastasia

 

 

IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA] © 123RF.COM

 

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