Dear Diary

The other evening after I wrote the last entry, Karate Kid tried calling me. This time I felt different ignoring his call. I legitimately was not interested in talking with him. This time there was little hope remaining about things working out for us and I just didn’t feel it was worth the emotional effort to keep the flame alive. It had burnt out.

I was also wasn’t sure if he’d noticed that I’d un-tagged the few photos there were of us together on Facey. I didn’t want to have that conversation. I had spent part of the evening combing through both of our profiles to ensure my name was not in any photos on his profile (some showed on his profile and not mine). I eliminated the photos of just the two of us from my birthday party. I had complete focus – there’d be no scrap of evidence. A dirty secret should remain a dirty secret, after all. It was also out of principle – I refused to join his wall of shame for future women to look at photos of me on his profile and then try to stalk me on Facey.

I also received a message from Shy Guy that night:

“Hey I hope that you’re feeling better now :)”

It was very sweet of him to send it. But we weren’t going to start a regular dialogue. I am not interested in dating him. He’s just another Karate Kid in disguise. I’m not interested in dating men who takes way too long to take the initiative. I replied:

“Thanks SG.  Slowly getting better 🙂 Good night”

The next morning when I woke up, I felt the same. Indifferent and unfazed if I saw Karate Kid again. It was time to look out for myself and put my needs first. When I got to work I emailed my boss to request a time to discuss my employment. I had been wanting to float the idea of going part time with him for the past couple of months (but knew that the answer would be a flat – ‘no’). Today, I didn’t care, I was stating my case anyway.

My boss responded to my email promptly….probably because I didn’t volunteer exactly what I was wanting to meet him for. I am sure he was under the impression that I was resigning (like a few of my colleagues lately). He did listen to my concerns and showed an appropriate level of empathy. He said nothing could be done until after March, but that he would consider it when staffing improved. I left his office feeling better despite my circumstances not having changed in the slightest.

It was an emotionally calm day at work – I was in complete control of my life and was looking out for my best interests.

When I got home I checked my Facey account. There was a reply from The Millionaire waiting for me in my inbox:

“Let’s do it next week. When suits? You look radiant by the way.”

Wow, that was such a nice compliment. Men should really be saying this sort of thing all the time. When we bumped into each other in the shopping mall the other day I didn’t feel particularly radiant – I had no make up on, hair tied back and a cardigan hiding my pretty dress. But, a nice compliment is a nice compliment at the end of the day. I replied in the evening:

“Thank you TM, that’s so kind of you to say. Every day next week I will be on call for work. The following week would work if that suits you? (any night apart from Thursday 25th)”

I had already signed out, but he replied promptly to clarify:

“You mean the week of 22?“

The next day I responded: “Yes ”

TM: “Sure day or night best for you“

Me: “Night is best due to work in the day“

TM: “Sure we can grab a bite together“

He’s a successful businessman and he knows how to communicate well with others – that’s why he’s successful. He hasn’t changed a bit by the looks of things.

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The day after ignoring Karate Kid’s call I decided that I needed to do some damage control. I had organised a group camping event that will take place in three weekend’s time. He was meant to be going….but I was hoping that he’d change his mind. I did consider cancelling the event, but I did have a duty to fulfill my promise to my other friends – my reputation was on the line. The show would go on whether he was there or not. So, I put up a few more posts on the event wall to keep things flowing for the event – Karate Kid ‘liked’ all the posts first.

He sent through a text message to me later that morning:

“Gooooooood morning snowflake!!! Are you up for another chess game….or shall we play mario kart 🙂 “

He was in such a good mood. How dare he. I have been feeling humiliated, angry and miserable finally accepting that I will be nothing more than his dirty secret that he wants to hide from the world. I waited until I finished work to send him the following message:

“Hey, I think I need some time to myself just to figur out what I want.
Hope you understand.“

I then went shopping, ran some errands, did some house work and got ready for bed. It was four hours later that I was trying to get to sleep and I just couldn’t because of him. I sent him an edited version of the original text that I was going to send:

“Thanks for respecting my wishes.
I don’t think there’s much to talk about as I’ve already explained what’s wrong to you a few times already.

I can bring your Nintendo to XX’s bday if you are still planning on going or drop it at XX’s some time if you prefer.“

About 20 minutes later he replied. In that time I’d already messaged one of his close friends that I know well to tell them that I’d be dropping around Karate Kid’s Nintendo some time soon.

KK: “I am coming over now”

Me: “No”

Me (again): “I’m not seeking attention”

Me (again): “Don’t offend me”

Me (again): “You can stay there and call if you insist on talking”

Me (again): “If you come over it’s going to unfold exactly the same as usual – you don’t talk and nothing gets resolved. I”m still left playing the fool. At least on the phone you talk more”

I was pretty upset that he was ignoring my wishes, but I wasn’t surprised either as he always comes straight over when I’m upset at him.

When he arrived he didn’t seem upset. I was very distant and wouldn’t let him touch me. This time it was a bit different in that he did most of the talking. I didn’t feel like saying much, all I said is that I was his dirty secret and that wasn’t what I wanted. I said that I didn’t know what his previous relationships were like but that I wanted something much different.

He opened up quite a lot compared to usual. He told me that I was very important to him, that what I said the other day really meant a lot to him, that he really appreciated how much I cared about him and all the little things that I do for him. He also said that his sister and some of his friends really want to meet me. He doesn’t like having people over at his place because his step-father doesn’t look after the yard and his house is cluttered. He said that his mother can be really gossipy too. I told him that I wouldn’t judge him for his house of family. I was more anxious about meeting them in case they decided that they didn’t approve of me.

Even after hearing all of that I still wasn’t ready to open up. It did all mean something significant to me but I wasn’t ready to accept him back. I told him that I had un-tagged and deleted some photos. I said that I wasn’t going to allow them being up there when I was his dirty secret. He denied this and tried to touch me, I pushed his hand away again and moved half a meter further from him. I told him that ice skating wasn’t special either because he had done it with so many girlfriends before me….he looked at me a bit baffled and then said that he chose the activity because he thought that it’d be nice.

He asked me when I was going to visit my family next. I said that it would be after I finish the on-call week. He then suggested that we take my little brother out to see a movie some time…this was a big deal. He wanted to meet my family? I would be happy for this, but only after I meet his family first. There was no way that I was going to involve my family without him showing how committed he was to me first. You see, Dear Diary, my mother would love him instantly and want to persuade him into giving her more grandchildren. My father would hate him instantly just because that’s what fathers do. My little brother would be happy for me and be excited to have a new friend.

I was starting to get tired because it was getting late so lied on the bed next to him. I made sure that I was facing away from him. I told him what I had been thinking about – were there other men out there who would make me feel special and actually want to accept me into their life without feeling ashamed of me. Karate Kid took my limp hand and said ‘I need a megaphone. It’s Anastasia and KK, KK and Anastasia. Anastasia is KK’s girlfriend’.

He opened up a bit more to tell me how his step-father had been unloving towards him and his sisters when he was younger. He’d often delay going home after school or university because he didn’t feel comfortable in his own house. Now, things are better, but he still doesn’t like him. He said that if he didn’t treat his mother so well then he’d actively try to get him to leave. But he did treat his mother well.

It probably took Karate Kid 1.5 to 2 hours of hard work talking to me and trying to touch me before I allowed him to. After hearing so many positive things and having him use the word ‘love’ rather than ‘like’ when telling me things that he appreciated about me, it made things much better – we were making progress. He did accidentally say that his sister wanted to meet the girl that he loved….liked so much.

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The next morning I made us both breakfast and wished Karate Kid a nice day at work. I gave him one of my lunches also so that he had food for the day. I then logged onto Facey because I had a bit of time before needing to go to work myself.

Shy Guy had sent a message regarding the group camping trip coming up:

“Do you think there’s enough ppl for a third tent?“

Me: “We can spread people out as needed and even mix the tents if needed (not that you can tell Behrouz that!). It won’t cost us more than 30 dollars each so nothing to worry about “

SG: “I just don’t want to be lonely “

Me: “Haha no way. We would split everyone us so that there’d be 4 or 5 per tent. More space is good No one will be lonely“

At lunch time Karate Kid sent through a message:

“Yummmmmmmmmmmmy…. meat balls were good…snowflake….hehehe what did you have for lunch? O, XX is having a board games now on Sunday… talk to you later. Have a wonderful day :)”

During my lunch break I sent a reply:

“Hehe so glad that you enjoyed them. I have the pork and rice 🙂 I hope that you have a wonderful day too *big hug and kiss*”

At 9:30PM that night he sent a message to see if I was awake. I had already fallen asleep and didn’t hear the message come through.

The next morning I sent a reply: “I just woke up now xo”

He sent a message during the morning:

“Good morning. I missed waking up to you smile.. 🙂 I am organising a dinner with XX and XX tomorrow. ZZ and ZZ may make it. I’m hoping that you can make it. I will pick you up :)”

Wow. Such a change from usual. This would be our first official outing as a couple to a couple’s dinner. The couple ZZ and ZZ I don’t know and they are both really wanting to meet me. They have a child so may not make it on such short notice.

I sent a reply:

“Good morning lovely raccoon. I missed your hugs and cuddles last night too. I had my phone on sound in case you called. I didn’t hear the text come through, sorry.

Dinner tomorrow sounds really nice. Thank you for picking me up too. I finish at 7PM so hopefully that’s not too late. I can try to finish earlier 😉 hehehe. If it is pushing it for time I can just come straight from work?

Another option is if I go to work dressed for dinner and you pick me up from there. We can get my car from the car park afterwards. Xo”

Karate Kid called me later that night to discuss the plan. He was very sweet over the phone and said that he missed me, that could imagine my face and wished that he could kiss and cuddle me in that moment. Wow. Such a change from usual.

I will let you know how the couples dinner goes.

Anastasia

 

 

IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA]  123RF.COM