Dear Diary

Before you read, I want to let you know that I’m okay. I’ve spoken with a friend about the situation and I’ll be fine. Here we go:

I’ve been having an internal argument all day with myself. I’m not sure how best to approach the situation. What I want to do is protect myself from feeling vulnerable from what I said to Karate Kid yesterday.

It was a silly idea to open up to him when he has not done anything remotely close to the same for me. It’s been screaming at me from the start – this man isn’t into me enough and doesn’t value me enough to want to open up or accept me into his life.

I think what made me feel worse this morning was going through his Facey photos. A thought came to me and I wanted to see if he had shown any Ex-girlfriends off in his profile pic before….he had, in 2014. The girl commented “oh wow, I finally made it to profile pic!“. Lucky her. I’m still his dirty little secret that he hides from his friends and family. Why is he so ashamed of me? Whenever I confront him about it he says that he wants to keep his personal life off Facey. But there are so many pics of him with previous girlfriends. He didn’t have a problem declaring to the world he was seeing them at the time.

I had a chat with a girl friend of mine today. She has never liked Karate Kid since the start. She was disappointed in me for getting the copper IUD inserted. I had only done it because he insisted that I use contraception because he doesn’t want to use a condom. I explained to her that he has trouble putting them on and keeping them on due to erectile dysfunction (which has improved). She laughed at me and asked if I’d considered that he may have been lying just so that he’d get his way….she had a point. He could easily get Viagra or something to help with his problem, if it was a legitimate problem at all. Apparently, guys sometimes pull this on women – I’m one of the silly ones to fall for it.  I’ve been suffering through horrible women’s contraceptives side effects because of him. I’m financially out of pocket as well. I hadn’t used contraception for any of my previous relationships.

Could it really be that he tricked and manipulated me into it for his own selfish pleasure?

I went through my own online photos and un-tagged a couple of us together. I didn’t want anyone to think that we could potentially be seeing each other. I also un-privated my relationship status. Previously, only I could see it. Now everyone can see and it still says I’m single….the only thing is that no one will know that I’ve done it unless they specifically look for it…

…..now, Dear Diary, I know that this may seem passive aggressive…and it is….but I’m contemplating on resetting my relationship status so that it pops up on everyone’s feed. It won’t mean much to lots of people because hardly anyone knows that I was seeing someone. If he asks me what I’m doing my answer will be simple:

I’ll update my status when I am in a relationship. Being someone’s dirty secret is not a relationship.

I’ll sit on it for a bit longer before doing anything rash. I also haven’t done so yet, but really want to send him a message as well that reads:

“Please forget what I said yesterday. I was a fool to allow myself be so vulnerable with you. You’ll never be capable of loving me, KK. You can’t even say the word when you’re around me. You only use the word ‘like’ and still struggle with that. Yes, someone broke your heart once by saying that they loved you then said that they didn’t mean it. I’ve been played lots by men like you, but I still try. Sometimes we need to get over things, KK. I can’t really comment on how damaged you are emotionally because you NEVER share ANYTHING with me. I don’t force you to either. I just accept that you don’t trust me.

I’m tired of being your dirty secret. You are ashamed to show me to your close friends. Cancelling board games because you think I’m too stupid to figure it out isn’t a great excuse. It’s condescending and far from the truth. We have been dating since June, maybe longer. It’s been so messed up the whole time. I wouldn’t even be able to say when an anniversary date would be. It wouldn’t matter either because it wouldn’t be important to you, because I’m just one of your dirty secrets who needs to remain hidden.

The point is, I’ve taken myself off the market for too long and invested my time in an emotionally empty man. We should have hit milestones months ago, instead it’s just been messed up and emotional torture for me. Dating you is hard work. You should be excited and wanting to introduce me to your close friends and family. You should be doing so many things, but aren’t. Instead we are way off this. Way off, so far off I seriously doubt it’d ever happen.

Why are you with me? Why? I’ve said time and time again that I don’t know why you even ‘like’ me. I still have no idea. I bet you complimented all your past girlfriends that you weren’t ashamed of. I think I’m just easy and convenient for you – But I do have a heart and soul, KK. I do not feel secure with you because you do not make me feel secure. That’s your job as a man and you’re not doing it. Why? Because you are using me and do not want anything significant with me. You never have and never will. Shame on you for leading me on. Shame on you.

All those photos you take of us – delete them. I don’t want there to be evidence of how foolish I’ve been for so long. I don’t want you showing them to people mock me for being your dirty secret once upon a time. Shame on you. Shame on you.

You insinuate that I lose control when I’m angry because I get mild road rage? Well this is angry KK. This is it. I think you’ve been so busy sitting back and judging me rather than thinking about building a future together. So what? so what that I think money is important? It’s not greed, it’s survival. At least I have healthy spending habits. That’s actually something that I’m looking for in a partner – not that you care because you are just using me until you find the next Thing to chase. Shame.

I’m exhausted. Just leave me alone. I don’t want to see you. You will make me feel worse. Give me a chance to meet someone who is capable of loving me, KK. Be a decent human being and step down from the challenge that you’re not capable of completing. You play with people’s emotions and lead them on. This is so sad as you’ll never experience love – but you wouldn’t care because you have no heart.

Because of you I’ll be having horrible painful periods until I get this IUD out. I haven’t used contraception in almost a decade because men respect my wishes. You forced me to use and pay for my own contraception. Now it’ll cost me another 300 dollars and hours of pain to get it taken out because I don’t want it! I never wanted it! I don’t need it. I was a stupid fool and did it for you. You should be the one suffering side effects, having your period every day and spending ridiculous amounts of money for the privilege of sex – not me.”

The sad part is that I’ll never be able to say all that to him because society doesn’t allow it. Women are labelled as crazy for speaking their raw emotions (which is why this blog is anonymous, it enables me to be completely honest). Karate Kid insinuates that I’m crazy or attention seeking when I send emotional texts – why bother then? why bother when you’re belittled for speaking your truth to someone who doesn’t care to hear it?

Dear Diary. There is a fine line between love and hate. I want to hate him. I really do. As for what I’ll actually say to him whenever we talk next…I don’t know. I really don’t know what to say or do from here.

Anastasia

 

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