We Are Scared Of, But Also Crave, Intimacy – Entry 179

Dear Diary

Great news! I’m almost back to feeling 100%.

On Saturday afternoon, Karate Kid phoned to see what I’d be doing that evening. I was still resting as it was day one post procedure and wanted to look after myself. There was a combined dance and pool party on at a friend’s place relatively close to where I live. I encouraged him to go to as I knew that he loved pool parties.

There was no point in me going as I wasn’t allowed to do vigorous exercise (risk of perforation or dislodging) or swim (infection risk) in the seven days following the procedure. I was more than happy for him to go and enjoy himself without me being there. I said that he was welcome to come to my place afterwards as he had booked us a city segway tour the next day.

Karate Kid went along with this idea. He arrived at about 10PM to my place and we spoke for a couple of hours before sleeping. The next morning, I made us a nice breakfast and then he suggested that we go for a walk along the water’s edge. Normally, I’m the one who suggests it and he accompanies me begrudgingly. I think he is trying to be healthier in 2018 as he is changing his habits – reducing coffee and sugar intake and wanting to exercise more. I’ll be happy to support him with this.

Nearing the end of our walk, I mentioned to him a book that I’ve started reading: Intimacy by Osho. It’s a book that I read a few years ago and I found it to positively impact the way I viewed relationships. A friend suggested it to me the other month without knowing that I’d already read it. Interested in reading it again, I took the book but have only just gotten around to opening it now.

Karate Kid was rather combative with the highlights that I summarised to him from the first part of the book. I guess you can’t expect someone to understand if they haven’t read it themselves. I also shouldn’t have expected more from him when he struggles so much with expressing himself. I asked him later in the day if he’d consider reading it. He said that he’d put it on the list that he’d hopefully get around to reading one day…..this, I already knew, was a long list. He was pretty much telling me that he had no intention of reading it. I was hurt by this response. I was really hoping that he’d want to join me on the journey.

As we were driving back to my place, a cab driver was flashing his lights behind me. I pulled over and wound down my window. He said to me that my rear tyre was flat…..not impressed. I thanked the cab driver and then muttered about how horrible my neighbourhood was and surely it was a knife blade from a stabbing that was the culprit (It was more likely to be shattered glass from a broken alcohol bottle)

Karate Kid didn’t like to see me angry about the flat tyre, nor the mild bouts of provoked road rage that I have. I don’t think that they are that bad and if that’s the worst side of me to endure then it’s not that bad at all. I calm down pretty quick and acknowledge that I was overreacting. He even went as far as to say to me that he wondered what I would be like when I was angry (in a relationship)…..what was he insinuating? I told him that I’d been angry with him multiple times so he knew damn well better than anyone what I was like when I am angry – I go quiet. Quiet = bad.

When we got to my place I tried to replace the tyre with the spare one in the trunk myself. I set up the car jack and started jacking up the car. Karate Kid eventually stepped in to help because I was finding it harder and harder to do. Once we got the car up so that the wheel was off the ground we couldn’t get the bolts off the tyre.

At that point, I decided that it was best to call the roadside assistance company that I have a membership with. We had at least tried so that was good enough in my mind. When I phoned they said that they’d be up to 1.5 hours away. We decided we’d wait inside until they called. I put the spare tyre back in the trunk and the force of that made the car jack move and then fall under the weight of the car…..oops. We then had no choice but to wait for professional help to arrive.

Whilst we were waiting we played a game of chess. Karate Kid completely creamed me and in doing so showed no mercy. So maybe that is one other rare thing that he is better than me at – only because he played it a lot in elementary and secondary school and was a school champion. I’ll put aside my pride to accept defeat, but my pride still stands strongly that I’m better at practically everything else haha.

When the roadside assistance man came to help, I asked why the car jack didn’t work. Apparently, there’s a little lip of metal under the car that you’re meant to line up with a divot in the car jack. It’s a very small surface area, but it locks the car in place and it’s vitally important. My car jack didn’t have such an obvious divot as in the picture below, but I’ll know for next time. I was clever enough to have the car on level ground – never attempt to jack up a car on slanted or uneven ground.

Image result for car jack

After my car was fixed, we made out way into the city for our segway tour. Karate Kid had a gift card to use from his birthday in 2016. It was sweet of him to use it with me before it expired. Neither of us had been on a segway before. It’s something I normally wouldn’t voluntarily do as I’m risk averse. It was lots of fun though and after a quick tutorial from the instructor we were confidently scooting around in no time.

As you’d expect, I excelled more at operating the segway than Karate Kid (life’s all about the small wins, right?). He fell off twice but didn’t hurt himself (which makes it okay to laugh…but I didn’t. I swear. I was concerned for him both times).

At the end of our tour, we were both pretty hungry. He took us to a steak house close by. He seemed to be more introverted than before. Was it because he fell of the segway twice? All I knew is that the quietness meant that he wouldn’t be spending the rest of the day with me once he dropped me home. It’s so hard to know what goes on in that mind of his. Is he having doubts about us? Is he less attracted to me and just realised it and that’s why he’s gone quiet? Is he thinking about another woman?

Eventually, he lent over to me and rubbed my knee. This made me feel better – it seemed like he didn’t suddenly hate me after all. Maybe he was just tired and needed some rest. I was looking forward to having my bed to myself because I always get a better night’s sleep when he’s not there. I have a single sized bed and he snores, so as you can imagine two is a crowd.

When we got home we both had a shower and than lied down on my bed. He said that he wouldn’t stay the night. Even though I was expecting it, I was still hurt. Even though I sleep better without him being there, I still like it when he stays.

As we kissed, I really wanted to tell him how special he was to me. I struggled to allow the words to come out of my mouth. I hesitated for too long and before I had a chance to think of how to word the sentence he was snoring. Whilst he slept, I wondered how he would react and what he would say if I told him how significant he was to me. I really wanted to say something because I had so many feelings inside for him.

One small glimpse of the vulnerable side of Karate Kid that I’ve been honoured enough to experience is that of a brief story he shared with me a few months back. He told me that a girl once told him that she loved him and then later said that it was a lie. At the time of hearing this, I told him that when she said it she would have meant it. She later on said that it was a lie to hurt his feelings, because that’s what some people do when they are breaking up. From that small insight, I can tell that he is afraid of opening up to any woman claiming to love him. I can completely understand his situation. Even when I tell him that ‘I love this’ or ‘I love that’ about him he will only reciprocate with the word ‘like’ – never ‘love’.

It is a big shame. I cannot help him heal himself. He needs to open up his own wounds and do this himself…only if he is willing. And I have a suspicion that he is not willing, Diary. But I cannot talk for him because I have no idea what goes on in his head 99% of the time.

Eventually, he woke up. This was my moment. I’d decided to deliver the message in a form that would be easier for him to comprehend. I asked him if I could share something personal with him and he said yes. I told him that he was not allowed to mock me about it and he agreed. I then took a minute to force the words out of my mouth. They came out as a whisper. I told him something to the likes of that when I think about being intimate that he’s the only one that I desire to be intimate with.

Initially, I don’t think that he understood what I was saying so I slowed him down. I said that I didn’t want to be intimate with any other man, just him. Maybe it was my bad phrasing, he said that I had nothing to be worried about because it’s perfectly natural to have urges and touch yourself…..how awkward, he was completely missing the point. I said ‘no, I don’t mean this in a sexual way…(pause)…though the context is sexual. I am saying that you are the only man I want to be intimate with if you understand what I mean‘.

He finally got it. But he didn’t say much back. This wasn’t much of a surprise but I was also disappointed that about five minutes after he said that he would go home. I couldn’t help but feel abandoned when he left. Maybe he needs more time to think about his feelings? maybe he has no feelings at all? maybe he’s not capable of feeling and loving because he won’t let himself? maybe he’s going to break up with me?

I do feel like a fool, Diary. Why did I open myself up to be so vulnerable with someone that I know doesn’t speak about feelings? Darn book, I can’t tell if I’m doing this myself or if reading the first section has influenced me. I guess I won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from him for a while. A lot of men are afraid of intimacy and will run a mile. Maybe he prefers a shallow woman who doesn’t want to connect with him on a deeper level. He’d be safer with someone like that as he’d never have to be vulnerable.


 

After Karate Kid left, I logged into Facey. It was time to reply to a backlog of messages.

Some were from Mr Lady’s Man, carrying on conversation after wishing me a happy new year and asking if I had a resolution:

I’m a great fan of frequently reflecting on things, also being a touch impatient, I have the habit of acting on them straight away 😮
So I do find it curious, when others chose to think about changes only after life events, such as New Years, birthdays, weddings or funerals …but each to their own I guess.
A recent geeky resolution of mine: use a Raspberry PI (a credit card size computer) to replace a now very old and noisy media centre setup …probably just a thinly veiled excuse for buying and playing with a new toy 😉
Which of your small resolutions, do you feel would have the greatest benefit to you? ..unless it’s super top secret, of course
I decided to be polite and reply. But I didn’t want to be too friendly because I wasn’t interested in going out on a second date with him (see A Moment For the Forgotten – Entry 146 for details of first date back in October 2017). So, I replied:
Hahaha well I guess any excuse is a good excuse 🙂
Hmmm that’s an interesting question. I think focusing more on dance this year will be of most benefit. It is something I enjoy but it is also a form of expression and everyone needs some way of doing that in their life.

 

I also finally opened the message from The Millionaire from the other day that I bumped into him in the shopping centre:

happy new year.. so nice to see you today.. we ought to catch up 🙂

I’ve known this man for maybe 10 years now. We have had multiple dinner dates in the past. I do enjoy his company and find the conversations stimulating and that I always walk away having learned many new things. He has never put me in a compromising situation or tried to take advantage of me so I do feel comfortable meeting with him. As for if it’ll ever happen, who knows? people throw around ‘let’s catch up’ these days and never follow through.

I replied:

Hello TM. Happy new year to you also. It certainly was a nice surprise. Sure, that sounds great

 

Anastasia

 

IMAGE: [JANA GOUTHOVA] © 123RF.COM

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