Dear Diary

I had time to reflect after my second last entry. Things just weren’t sitting well for me with Karate Kid. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard for him to date me. He clearly wasn’t interested in me of he’d rather go to work than go exploring with me.

During my time of reflection I realised that I needed to start looking out for myself more. I’d not been going adventuring on my vacations as I’d been waiting around for Karate Kid to make up his mind if he wanted to join me…..I needed to slap myself on the cheek and give myself a pep talk – ‘Have some self respect woman! Have some dignity also. If he’s not interested you still need to go out and do what you want whilst you have the gift of time’. I went online and booked a cottage at a woodland’s lodge.

Late that morning, as promised, Karate Kid sent me a message from thr comfort of his work desk regarding plans for that night.

“I had an awesome time with you yesterday. Snorkeling so beautiful. Look forward to our future adventues. 🙂

So Cabaret show…. tonight.“

This hurt a lot. Had he even considered that I may want to do something during the day on my vacations? I’d need to organise my day around him which ruled out a lot of what I wanted to do. I needed to settle the playing field – I have wants as well. It’s not all just about Karate Kid. I replied:

“Glad you enjoyed it.

I’m actually going to make the most of my holidays and the last of this sunny weather. I will be exploring the woodlands.

Not sure what time I’ll be home or if I’ll just stay overnight somewhere. We can do Cabaret Show another time as it’s just down the road.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the week. Might see you out dancing on Sat if I go.”

I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t want to see him and didn’t know when I would want to see him again. I wanted him to realise that he’d missed his chance to accept the invitation to share part of my vacations with me, that it was actually a once off offer rather than an offer that he could take at any time.

“Exploring without raccoon? How inconceivable…… damn i should be there….and saturday??? You are away til Saturday…. 😮  “

This message enraged me. Why was he being insincere with me? He must be embarrassed that he missed the opportunity. It was truth time. He needed to hear what I was thinking:

“KK, please don’t pretend to want to be here with me. You had the opportunity on a silver platter and you turned it away and weren’t even going to tell me you had made a decision. You chose to work because I didn’t have anything planned and paid for so that you could tag along today and tomorrow.

I don’t think you’re a provider, KK. You’re a taker and take whatever you can get. You also aren’t considerate. You put your wants first and don’t care if it disadvantages me or hurts me unless it somehow negatively impacts you.

If you’d been honest with me from the start I wouldn’t have wasted so much holiday time waiting around for you to make up your mind if you wanted to spend time with me or not. It’s insulting that you have such little regard for me.

I’ve been generous and patient with you. I’ve given you heaps of chances when you’ve treated me so poorly since the start. You have improved a bit but still have a long way to go. I’m running out of energy trying to be open and healing the wounds you leave from your complacency.  

It shouldn’t be this hard.”

All of it was true. I’d been robbed of a proper courtship with him. He’d never really dated me. The whole time I’ve spent being hurt by him and being patient as he slowly opens up to the ideaof being girlfriend and boyfriend.

KK: “I am coming over after work to discuss this and spend time with you.“

Me: “I’m not coming home today. I need some time to be alone and think.“

At this point I turned off my phone. I didn’t want him calling me and ruining my evening in the lodge. I wanted clear head space.

The next morning I turned on my phone. The reception was really bad in the woodlands. No message came through. I was disappointed that Karate Kid didn’t even try to message me overnight. It was 6.30am and I decided that I could do one of the walking trails. Five kilometers would take me roughly an hour….or so I thought.

My hour adventure turned into a 3.5 hour test for survival (haha, well it felt like it at least). I’d only eaten a banana thinking that I’d take advantage of the free breakfast upon my return. The map didn’t have a distance scale on it and I now seriously doubt that I interpreted the distances section correctly….I think that the stated distances were for segments of the track.

At the two hour mark I was already exhausted and wanted to be back at the lodge. I had to check out by 10am and wasn’t sure if I’d make it in time. I’d not crossed anyone else on the tracks…I wondered how long it’d take some of to find me if something bad happened. I prayed to not cross paths with dangerous wildlife. I did on a few occasions, but they didn’t want to harm me, thankfully.

I emerged from the wilderness at 9.50am. I was really struggling to walk fast because my body was exhausted. I went straight to my cottage, packed my bags and went to the reception to check out, arriving exactly on 10am. I’d missed the complimentary breakfast so feasted on an apple and chocolate that I’d brought with me. I also plannes to have a shower as soon as I arrived home.

My phone took a long time to register with the network. It wasn’t until 1pm that a spate of messages came through on my phone from multiple people. There were two from Karate Kid:

“I spent all day thinking why am i here at work….and that i should be with you….. hence asking you to come to Cabaret Show tonight. I even took tomorrow off to spend time with you. I loved that smile of yours. I love the fact you were sleeping on my side on the boat on the way back from snorkeling. I love how we were holding hands while swimming.

You say, i put my wants first? I didn’t go to recent dance congress sat party, multiple Friday night dance parties, the dance congress that’ll be on when your birthday party is on or even the house party the other week because I wanted to spend time with you and with your friends in particular that sunday.

You say, i am a taker? I take you out on adventures and activites to have fun and to get to know each other better. Yes, you arranged the snorkeling and paid for the trip. That i appreciate it very much, which is why i want to take you to the Cabaret Show tonight.“

KarateKid  (again): “I have tomorrow off. I want to see you. I want to listen to you. Tell me when you are ready.“

I was irritated by his messages. He wasn’t even listening to and taking on board what I’d said. But it wasn’t a surprise to me that he wasn’t taking responsibility for his actions.

Me: “You’re wasting a completely good day off.

I’ve been out of range since last night otherwise I would have told you that you should be spending your time working as I have been walking in the woodlands.

I know that you took the day off and did most of those other things because you felt bad. Doing things to make up for it rather than doing it because you genuinely want to are two completely different things. It’s reactive damage control, not genuine.“

Apparently, I was still angry and not ready to talk *proceed with caution – disgruntled woman ahead*

I didn’t hear from Karate Kid until 5.30pm. This made me think that he may have decided to go to work because I didn’t reply last night.

“Hi Anastasia, I understand. I have been thinking about the trip. Its my fault…there was confusion, bad planning, and other issues.

I was saddened to hear some of the thoughts you thought about me… I know I have a barrier up to protect myself. I’m slowly opening up. I do like you. I do care about you. I do want to spend time with you. Thats why i did some activities and adventures with you. I’m sorry that you felt some of these were not genuine that was not the intention.

Have a great time at the ballet tonight with your friend.”

After the show I thought about his response. It did come across as heartfelt. At 1am I decided that I was still angry and had things on my chest to say:

“You like and care about lots of girls, KK. You have told me this before. You treat me no different to any other girl in your life, that’s why I don’t feel special when I’m with you. You call me Girl and Dude when you talk to me, that’s not what boyfriends do. That’s what friends do. You ask me to drive you places and ask what I’ll be cooking and let me do all the preparation and cleaning up without helping (this is what mother’s do). I didn’t mind preparing so much food until things changed with how we pay for outside meals and activities. Now you expect me to pay 50% of whatever we do on top of all the other things I do lovingly for you. Boyfriends don’t sponge off their girlfriends, we haven’t even dated properly to get to the stage that we can go 50/50 on everything. You don’t plan anything special for us. You expect me to do the planning or you just make something up on the day and drag me along, and it’s always what you want to do, like IT or Happy Death Day. It’s like you just wanted someone to see the movie with, not to treat me to something nice. You said ages ago that you’d download Despicable Me 3 and Angry Beavers….but never have….because you’re not interested. Whenever we have eaten out you’ve always picked the restaurants that you want to eat at without ever asking me what I’d like. I’m really easy going but it’s the gestures that count, KK, you don’t consider me.

XX even confused me for [Plain Jane Peasant Maiden] at the dinner on Wednesday. He thought that I was her at the BBQ at the most recent dance congress. I’m not the only one that notices your interest in her. It was an innocent mistake he made but it speaks volumes about what everyone knows.

The truth does hurt. That’s why it upset you. I don’t do it to be mean, I’m trying to show you what you don’t want to see – that you’re just taking what you can get because you don’t have a better offer at the moment. As soon as one comes along or if [Plain Jane Peasant Maiden] wants something with you you’ll move on.”

I did forget to include the update about Plain Jane Peasant Maiden in the entry the other day. It has been slowly festering away in my mind and I have been waiting for the right moment to mention to Karate Kid that I’m right and he’s hiding from the truth.

I found it so hard to get to sleep. I knew that he’d read the message as he had been online on messenger since I sent the text. I broke and sent another message:

“Now was the time for us to talk if you felt like you wanted to say anything. I’m flying to XX Country early tomorrow.”

I really wanted to talk with him. Where was he? Why wasn’t he textingor calling back? Had he given up? Or was he dancing with another woman that he liked?

I started to get emotional. I needed to talk. I tried calling him 10 minutes after my text. No answer…..was this it? He’d given up? He obviously didn’t want to talk to me.

I decided it was best to protect myself and to get in first as he was obviously going to break up with me:

“This is a really tough decision for me because I really like you KK.
But I need to do what is best for me. I want to be with a man who treats me like a lady.

Wishing you all the best on your search for love. Hope we can still be friends at some stage in the future.”

I woke up an hour later and there was still no reply. I tried not to cry. I’d attempted breaking up with him so many times in the past and he’d always chased me….but he wasn’t chasing me this time.

It hursts a lot knowing that he’s not coming to find me anymore. It hurts knowing that he’s letting me walk away without trying to stop me this time. It hurts thinking that he’ll never come to visit me again or listen to me when I have something I’m upset about. It hurts knowing he’s now looking at other women and not interested in me anymore. He’s probably flirting or sleeping with someone else as we speak. He could have contacted Plain Jane Peasant Maiden to ask her if he can date her again, but this time he’ll promise to do it properly.

My flight is in a few hours, Diary. Let’s hope that I can forget about him and move on whilst I’m away overseas.

Anastasia xo

Image: [Jana Gouthova] 123RF.com