Dear Diary

You’ll be pleased to know that I have almost made a full recovery from my ‘crazy’ in Entries 161 & 162. I think a lot has to do with finding more clarity with where I stand with Karate Kid. I enjoyed most parts of the weekend that we spent together and notice him missing after the weekend.

I was so happy to receive this message from him on the Monday: “Hehehe you’re heading to your parent’s this week right? When do you come back :)”

Me: “Hello, yes, that’s the plan. I’m not sure yet. Were you planning something?”. I was trying to ascertain if he had something in particular planned so that I could work out my itinerary better. I wasn’t going to just drop everything to run back only to spend a couple of hours with him doing not particularly much on a weeknight.

KK: “I have a couple of things up my sleeves…hehe…going to miss that beautiful smile of yours….” He certainly got a lot of brownie points for this message. It still didn’t help me decide if I should commit to returning on a particular day.

Me: “Ooo exciting! When did you have these things in mind?” He then called almost immediately. We spoke about our days and then also about how he’d like to plan something for us on Saturday, he wasn’t going to tell me what it was though.

The next day he writes: “So I will be staying at the private hospital Monday night for CPAP machine fitting!” You may recall me telling you a few months ago that he has sleep apnoea but hadn’t done much about it after the diagnosis.

Me: “Yay! that’s great news. I’m pleased that you’ll have your machine soon.”

KK: “Lol….I have to be there at 7pm…you may have to bring that chess set over and keep me company :p” Regarding Chess, on the weekend just passed he mentioned that he played in high school and won tournaments. I like to play and suggested that we could play together some time.

Me: “Hehehe I’ll see if I can find it. Would they allow visitors?”

KK: “Lol…I’ll hide you in the bed covers….. :p” this response irritated me as it didn’t confirm whether or not it was a legitimate invitation for a visit.

Trying to be mature and communicative, I replied: “Hahaha cheeky raccoon! If they do allow visitors I could pop in to say hello. Otherwise, I’m sure that you will be able to keep yourself occupied with your phone lol”. That last part probably wasn’t necessary….but it was the truth.

He didn’t reply within the next 1.5 hours…..I had too much time to think and tried to resist the urge to text him…..but I had been writing the last blog entry and had so many doubts……so I wrote another text (I tried to justify that it didn’t count as a double text if it was 1.5 hours later and it was a serious topic….). As a side note, I think what provokes me to sometimes contact him is writing my entries and also talking with friends who doubt the viability of the relationship with Karate Kid. I don’t blame my friends for warning me off him as all it takes is to read practically any entry he’s been in over the past eleven months. They have good intentions and their doubts are contagious. At times, I find myself trying to imagine what it’d be like dating someone else – would I be happier and less confused with another man who was easier to read and was clearly head-over-heels for me.

I typed out the first sentence and probably should have stopped there….but I kept going as I wanted to give him time to prepare himself and also give myself a chance to clearly articulate what my unresolved issues were:

“KK, do you think we could talk tonight? I’m still struggling with knowing what you want.

The thing is the more I point out to you what I want the less sincere it feels when you do do it. It’s like all the gestures that I consider important are now spoiled. Like when you call me wabbit it feels forced now. I don’t like it anymore because it’s tarnished.

When you said that I was beautiful over the weekend it felt like you were just saying it because you thought I wanted to hear it because I said that you rarely give me compliments…it wasn’t because you wanted to say it.

You have never wanted to pay for me and have complained every time and I know you’ll continue to struggle. That’s partly why I didn’t eat on Friday night as I didn’t want to hear that you didn’t want to pay for me again. It makes me feel so crap every time you do it. You did acknowledge that I invest a lot financially and time wise preparing nice meals for you, but that isn’t new….I’ve done this all along and you’ve complained every time you’ve parted with a cent towards me since the start. I actually spend more on groceries to make you nice things than I do buying groceries for myself for the week.

I feel more like a friend with benefits to you. My emotional cup [reference to the Five Love Languages book] has been low for ages and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t feel special to you. You don’t make me feel like the most important person in the room. If anything, I have felt like an unworthy leech whenever you invite me somewhere and say that I should be paying for myself.“

He did call straight way and asked if he should read the whole thing first or if I wanted to talk it through. I said he should read it. He called back exactly 10 minuets later.

High lights from the conversation were as follows:

• I told him that I didn’t know what more to do to show him that I liked him – this comment stemmed from last week when he said that he had been worried that I wasn’t offering to pay for anything and that he thought I just wanted a free meal from him. I told him that I could afford my own food easily. I was just letting him be a man and would have stopped going on dates with him sooner if I wasn’t interested.
• He told me that he’d actually been shopping that night looking for a Christmas and birthday present for me as a surprise…..ooops. I did feel better after hearing this, though. I was also relieved that I’d thought to get him a present the day before so didn’t have to stress about being the forgetful or complacent one (which I usually am with family and friends).
  • I did put in a lot of effort with his gift, mind you. It consists of two items. One item is hair gel because I think he would look amazing with his hair gelled….I know he’s not a doll, Diary, but I really think he’d great! The second item is a popular limited edition cologne that has been short of stock. I called 10 stores to find some and then drove 2 hours to a store that did have one left (they wouldn’t hold the item so I had to go immediately)…when I got there they had already sold it- not impressed. Deflated but hopeful, I called a few more stores and one had one bottle arrive just then in their afternoon order. This particular store was happy to hold it and so I drove 2 hours back to claim it. When I was in the checkout line a couple walked in and said the name of the same fragrance they were looking for….I was clutching the last bottle and wasn’t going to let it go.
• He planned to take leave from his work whilst I had vacations so that we could spend some more time together….double oops.
• He also was trying to plan a double date to see the movie he mentioned last week…..triple oops. I was wishing that I hadn’t sent the above message and just let him keep planning nice things for me. I was also thinking that maybe I should go a way a little more often to give him a chance to miss me so that he’d continue to plan nice things like these….
• He also asked if I could come back on Thursday night so that we could see each other. I wasn’t sure what he had planned (if anything!) so didn’t make any promises.
• He also said that he was expecting my message as he thought that I’d have time to think about things ….What? he was expecting the message above? did this have something to do with my unusual extra crazy behaviour lately? Hhmmmm perfect moment for self reflection, perhaps?
• He suggested that I can look into things for us to do as I’m good at organising….excuse me? who is the one impressing who here? If he was expecting my emotional text message shouldn’t he be the one putting in some extra effort? I told him that I’ve got things planned so would fit it in when I could….let’s just see if I can drag the chain long enough so that he has a chance to plan something.

The next day Karate Kid sent a text message: “Hehehe call you tonight. We need to make plans for adventures. 🙂” He must have had his leave approved! wow, he was being serious. I was so happy with this message and it removed so much doubt from my mind – he must actually really like me! I did start to feel a bit uneasy when I realised that there may be issues with the financing of a mini-vacation. How would it work exactly?….I guess it’d be 50-50…I’d rather it be 70-30 (me contributing 30%…but I seriously doubt that this would happen).

He called that night and we spoke about many different options for vacation ideas. He hadn’t applied for specific leave dates yet as he wanted to have a plan beforehand (He had, however, confirmed with his boss that he could have days off in the next two weeks without issues). We didn’t really settle on specific plans. I noticed that he wasn’t very adventurous and wanted to stay in our home city. My ideas involved a few hours of travel. To try to persuade him I said that we could do all his suggestions on the weekends so that we had things to do and that seeing as we would have a few days that we should go further whilst we had the opportunity. His argument was that travelling further would cost more as it was holiday season and we were leaving things to the last minute…..this annoyed me slightly as he had indirectly expressed interest in joining me over a month ago (When There’s Nothing Left to Lose – Entry 151), he had also made me feel foolish for thinking he wanted to holiday with me when he then didn’t mention anything further about it…until just now.

What I have learned about Karate Kid over the past few days is that it takes him some time to warm up to an idea. It’s like he needs time to process it before he will make a decision. I found this discovery very interesting and useful. It is likely going to be one of the tactics that I will have to master in order to have a harmonious existence with Karate Kid. Like a plant, all ideas will start as a mere seed that requires planting and watering at the start. It needs to be left alone to germinate on it’s own. Once it sprouts then I can pour as much water, fertiliser and sunlight onto it as possible to make it grow into a mega plant….Disney Land and Mt Everest here we come! haha

The next day we exchanged a few text messages regarding vacation ideas and potential plans. He had wanted me to return so that we could see each other on Thursday night as he missed me, but I had so much birthday party preparation to do….also, I wasn’t sure if he had anything planned other than snuggle time so I decided it best to stay at my parent’s place.

At lunch time on Thursday, I let him know that I definitely wasn’t coming: “Cuddly raccoon, I’m still working on the props [for the Selfie Station at my upcoming party] so will come back tomorrow. If it works better for you maybe you could do half a week as leave instead of a whole week. I’ll be happy with any adventure we go on xo”

He replied a few hours later: “I wanted to see you, hug you and kiss you tonight. 😦” I felt so bad reading this message as I knew that he really wanted to see me. It’d been the longest that we hadn’t seen each other since Spain trip in May/June.

I wrote back: “I want to hug and kiss you too xoxo” I thought the double ‘xo’ would make my message feel more sincere.

He didn’t call or reply to that message. I wondered what he decided to go and do on that Thursday evening seeing as he had the night free and wasn’t talking to me. I had horrible moments of wondering if he would happen to run into Plain Jane Peasant Maiden and be having an amazing time with her! what if I found cozy photos of them on Facey the next day? These thoughts were so distressing and if, maybe just if, they manifested in real life I’d just have to pick up my ball and go home from the playground as Plain Jane Peasant Maiden would have won the war. Speaking of who, I had a dream the other night and she had a boyfriend – I was so happy! Maybe I should play some cupid in real life to help her take herself off the market….

What concerns me now is that I don’t know if I’m in trouble for not coming back to see him sooner. He did put a sad face on the last text he sent. I don’t even know when we are seeing each other next. He knows that I’ll be home on Friday….but does he want to see me? Should I just make my own plans? Is he upset with me and that’s why he’s not contacting me? Maybe he’s too upset or disappointed to talk with me? Or, is he busy planning something special for us?…..maybe he’s given up on us and isn’t going to take any leave so that we can vacation together…..I’m going to refrain from sending him an emotionally needy text and just wait for him to contact me. If I wait for him then he’ll be ready to talk.

Oooo, what I forgot to mention from our conversations last weekend was that he confessed to feeling jealous and threatened (my words, not his) by The Lawyer. He said the he didn’t pursue me at the start because The Lawyer seemed particularly interested until he found his now girlfriend. I comforted him by saying that The Lawyer is very flirty with everyone, is younger than me and that he made his decision to date his now girlfriend (instead of me). I insinuated that I am no ones seconds and that The Lawyer would never be an option. I also told Karate Kid that The Lawyer’s girlfriend would never class me as an ally as she saw me as a threat. This is evident from her staring at me at times at dance events and her fake smiles and forced hellos when she has to talk to me.

Some extra updates for you, Dear Diary.

I heard from Mr Smooth again. When I searched through the entries I discovered that there are two Mr Smooths….please pardon any confusion. I guess their roles have been as insignificant as the other in this dating saga so can you blame me for forgetting their code names?