Finishing What Was Started – Entry 145

Dear Diary

Today I made a decision. I chose me.

There comes a time when we have to accept that we cannot make someone love us. I was willing to accept Karate Kid as he was, flaws and all, to have a loving relationship with him. There is nothing that I can do to make him appreciate the amazing opportunity he had in the palm of his hands for so long.

He has stalled too long and isn’t wanting to advertise to the world that we’re together – this screams out that there’s something very wrong. I’ve made up every excuse I could come up with to convince myself that there was hope. But at the end of the day he doesn’t realise what he’s just missed out on.

Usually, I’d wait until outside of working hours to send a message. But today I didn’t care. It also meant that he couldn’t suddenly turn up on my doorstep wanting to pull wool over my eyes to buy himself more time.

Hi KK.

I have had time to think about our conversation the other day.

I honestly don’t thnk things will ever work out for us as I don’t think you can offer me what I’m looking for.

I’m going to move on. I hope that you find whatever it is you’re looking for.

It really hurt sending this. It hurt because it’s not nice to acknowledge that someone was too ashamed of you to share with the world that they were head over heels for you (at least meant to be). How could he not be thrilled to have this amazing woman standing in front of him offering her heart?

I’ll likely forever be jealous of Plain Jane Peasant Maiden as I strongly suspect that she is the one he truly wants. I wish I could be a bigger person and get over this jealousy, but I’m not going to force myself to do anything I don’t want to do. Who knows who else he’s been working on seducing in his spare time.

Deciding that it was best to finish what I started out to do the other day, I completed a few more steps of Operation Armageddon. I’d done Step 1 and also Step 2 (twice now). So I moved onto Step 3 which was deleting him from social media. I have deleted our conversation thread on my phone….still in two minds about blocking him…technically, I have no reason to talk with him….

I then skipped ahead to step 7 and sent Dance Teacher a message: “Hello Dance Teacher. I’m really sorry but I’ll be stepping back from the dance scene for a bit. I won’t be able to commit to helping with the dance congress. I really want to be there to support you but there’s too much going on in my world atm. xo” 

As for Step 5 – online dating….I need more time to prepare for this. I don’t think more dating is the answer at the moment.

I really like the painting that I did at the art class. I don’t want to destroy it per Step 4….maybe I could gift it to someone? And Step 6, I’ll need to think about a new hobby and I will go out dancing tonight at a different party that Karate Kid never goes to. It’s sad that I won’t be going to the regular dance parties….but I guess I can always go back in a few months time when I don’t care about Karate Kid anymore.

Wish me lucky, Dear Diary. Let’s hope that I stand strong enough to hold my ground this time.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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