Conversations between Head and Heart – Entry 139

Dear Diary

There’s a war taking place between my brain and my heart. Brain is excellent at analysing the situation and building up portfolios filled with facts (some object and others objectively subjective). Heart, on the other hand, likes to feel and hope.

Diary, did I ever tell you why I call Karate Kid a cuddly raccoon? There is actually a reason I chose that name. Months ago (pre-Spain trip) we went to a group movie and saw Guardians of the Galaxy. There is a raccoon in the movie who is uncouth, offensive and obnoxious. One of the characters in the movie calls him out on pretending to be tough when he’s actually masking his vulnerability. The raccoon had a sad story of being orphaned and having to find his own way in the world, hence becoming hardened and almost unlovable. After seeing the movie, I challenged Karate Kid one time when he said he was ‘bad’. I told him he wasn’t bad and that he was just like the raccoon in the movie. I told him that he was a good person on the inside and that I could see through his facade.

On the evening of Rhetorical Questions – Entry 104 when he said that he wasn’t interested in anything serious with me and was just seeing how far he could get I told him to leave me alone for a month to get over things. As I walked out of the hotel room his only protest was ‘but I’m a raccoon’. I ignored his words and kept walking. I don’t think I ever shared that part with you, sorry Diary.

As it stands, it seems like I have a choice. I can jump off the cliff again, just like the night of Rhetorical Questions – Entry 104. I know how painful it is from doing it the first time and plummeting to the ground below. The leap of faith ended in immense emotional pain and apparently, the wounds are still very tender. It’s looking like a similar situation in that I may have to jump for a second time as I have a feeling Karate Kid isn’t going to man up and ask me to date him officially.

But this time my eyes are wide open, and again, I don’t feel that Karate Kid is there to hold my hand when I jump. My brain is screaming at me not to jump as we know what happened last time, it’ll hurt too much and it’s almost certain that Karate Kid won’t be there to catch me. My heart says that he’s a raccoon and that there is a slim chance that he may be there.

Brain asks if it’s really worth the risk? There is the ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ prophecy that emotionally un-invested people tend to endorse. There is also the argument of when is it for ‘personal growth’ versus when it’s just plain cruel to knowingly put yourself through emotional torture. If you look at the facts in black and white they suggest that Karate Kid has had over nine months since he stole the kiss from me on New Years to secure a relationship with me. He’s failed to do this and things are only slightly less ambiguous than they have been.

Heart says that he’s been demonstrating positive improvements in behaviour that are trending towards commitment. He’s seems to want to have something special with me. I’m sure that he has his reasons for taking things slow. I’m convinced that he has deep emotional wounds from past relationships and he hasn’t recovered. Love heals. Maybe if I opened the conversation and showed him that it was a safe and nonjudgmental environment he may open up. I’m also convinced that, for whatever reason, he’d given up on having a loving relationship and family of his own and that maybe he’s considering that possibility with me (Brain interrupts by asking Heart to substantiate these claims with some form of evidence…Heart has no evidence to share, just hopes….Brain says that Heart is making up stories and is filling Brain’s head space with nonsense).

Heart is also sad because after three weeks of no contact with The Spaniard she caved under the pressure and sent a message: “Hola XX. How are you?”  it took a day for him to reply and all it said was “Hola beautiful. I’m well and how are you?”. Heart was disappointed because she’s finally given up on The Spaniard as Brain convinced her to see the situation as it was – he’s not interested and that’s okay because it was just a whirlwind romance and nothing more. Even Heart doesn’t feel like responding to The Spaniard anymore. After all, what more is there to say? He has all the information he needs about the upcoming trip. The game is over, there is no ball left to be in anyone’s court.

Brain says to keep trying and keep dating other people as it’s a numbers gain. Brain also says to be careful with Heart as Heart is fragile and sensitive. Heart says she’d like to love again. Heart also says that she’s very confused at the moment and doesn’t know how much longer she can wait for Karate Kid. Brain says to make a decision soon as it’s in our best interest. Heart says she doesn’t know how much pain she can tolerate.

Both, Brain and Heart say that neither knows what is the correct thing to do nor how to navigate the situation at the moment.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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