I Want Off The Roller Coaster – Entry 140

Dear Diary

The conversation between Brain and Heart continued after the last diary entry. It was like being trapped on a roller coaster ride that you weren’t enjoying and wanting to get off.

The next morning I felt exhausted and emotionally fragile. I’d convinced myself that Karate Kid had changed his mind about inviting me to the Pub Choir that night. He hadn’t contacted me and he was running out of time to do so.

Torn, I drafted a text message that I had been rehearsing overnight (instead of sleeping…..). It read: Hello KK. I think it’s been too long waiting to talk about where we are at. It’s too much of an emotional risk for me to put myself in that position again. I haven’t recovered from hearing the truth at the dance congress. I had trouble with the next bit but settled on: Wishing you all the best in finding whatever it is you’re looking for.

My qualms were that it was an intense text message and I didn’t give him a chance to open up to further discuss the topic. I’d also made the decision to cut and run without giving him a chance to ask me to stay. But, putting things into perspective, self-righteous Anastasia believes that she shouldn’t even be in this situation to start with and that it’s all his fault.

I continued to debate with myself about whether to send it as it was, to re-word it or to not send it…at least for now. I wasn’t sure if it was worth pushing for an official face-to-face talk. I also tried to convince myself to be patient as sending the text now or later would not change much, why not give him a chance to make contact? During my debating, a text message from Karate Kid came through: “So do you know a song called xxxx……” 

I’ll admit that I was relieved and happy to receive the message. Despite this, I was still upset at the situation. Could it be that this man has no idea about how fragile the situation was at that moment and how important having the conversation was? I was so close to throwing in the towel.

It was getting close to the start of my shift and I was running out of time to reply. I knew that I’d be tired and frazzled for the Pub Choir but decided that I’d still go. I was holding on to a small glimmer of hope that maybe he’d step up and ask me to be his girlfriend. I replied “Yes! I love that song!” and he said “Well…I guess you’re coming tonight to sing it then…”

On my way to the Pub Choir I was fretting about how to act around Karate Kid. Should I act normal so that not to make things feel awkward between us? Should I hold back and see what he does? Should I take off my mask and allow him to see that I was wanting to cry as I was confused and uncomfortable with the situation? I decided I’d act like everything was normal. My reasoning was that I had enough insight to know that I was being overly sensitive emotionally and that observing his actions would give me clarity. After all, actions do speak louder than words.

I arrived slightly late to the Pub Choir. Karate Kid was inside and at the front (I think he wanted to be on camera and in the photos). He put his arm around my waist as soon as I got there and chuckled away at the M.C. It was nice to see him relaxed and jolly, I think the beer in his hand had loosened him up.

He kept his arm around my waist for majority of the Choir. He only moved it away when we came across someone from the dance scene. This hurt me a little bit, but I was also grateful as we weren’t officially anything – as much as it hurt me it was what I also wanted. The only other part of the night that hurt me was at the end when he went to get photos with some people he knew and left me to wait for him. It hurt because it reinforced that we weren’t anything and that he didn’t want uncontrolled photographic evidence of us at non-dance related events. I withdrew a bit after this and I think he felt it, but who really knows what he’s thinking? I’m not a mind reader.

He asked if I was hungry and I said a little bit. To be honest, I wasn’t really hungry at all because I was hurting. He put his arm around my waist and suggested that we get dumplings….I do like dumplings. At the restaurant, he was particularly talkative. He spoke more about his work and a previous job.

He described his current workplace to me as it wasn’t a traditional office space. It had no cubicles or computers. It was open plan and staff were allowed to roam throughout the office with their laptops….it reminded me of a free range chicken farm….I told Karate Kid that he was like a free range employee whilst flapping my arms slowly like in the chicken dance….he didn’t particularly like this but that made it even funnier.

Somehow we got onto the topic of the health system. I have some strong views about certain aspects of it and Karate Kid listened carefully to what I had to say. The one-way conversation got most heated when I trailed into a story about how my Father had been disgustingly treated in a particular healthcare facility. He was newly blind and had lost a lot of muscle mass. He needed to learn to walk again and our house was not safe for him to return to. The facility wanted to discharge him as they were no longer receiving as much money from the Health Insurance Company as it’d been a few weeks of rehabilitation. They underhandedly tried to get him to sign a piece of paper (that he couldn’t read!) that said he agreed that he was safe to discharge home. I stopped myself from elaborating on how I felt about the situation and then changed the topic.

Karate Kid joked that I would be paying for the dumplings. He joked that he’d order everything on the menu as it was on me. I can take a hint. I was apathetic by that point anyway and rationalised that it was probably our last dinner together so it didn’t really matter if I paid – it was time to put away the tally card and throw in the towel. When we went up to pay I humbly retrieved my wallet. Karate Kid stopped me and insisted on paying. So, so, so confusing.

He then wanted to show me a new alley way with restaurants that’d opened up close by. After that we walked to where his old high school was and he told me a little about his high school years. He suggested that we get ice cream and then allowed me to pay for it and tried to get me to eat most of it…in retrospect, he’d really insisted that I eat that night…I think he wanted to see me eat properly, I generally don’t each much when I’m with him as I don’t feel hungry around him because I’m confused and emotionally distressed half the time!

Anyway. He walked me back to my car and kissed me goodnight. No mention of when we would see each other again. Half disappointed, half confused and apathetic I drove home. I felt a little better than the previous two days, but still unsatisfied with the situation. He seemed interested and like he was trying, but he also seemed very far from any level of commitment. Semi-related, thoughts of Plane Jane Peasant Maiden have been taunting me of recent. Was an undying love for her the reason why he wasn’t claiming me as his girlfriend?…she’s should be due to return from her 10 week holiday soon….can’t she just not come back?

This morning Karate Kid sent a message: “Just thinking about how pretty you looked last night….especially during your serious look…lol…”. I replied “Hehe thank you. It was nice learning more about each other.”

Let’s have a change of pace, shall we? Over the past few days the articulate Mr Lady’s Man has been demonstrating endurance. The other night he’d sent a message to try to organise the ‘tasty drink’ he suggested the other day: “Okay, being the considerate sort, thought I’d offer a choice; I can call you directly, or we can play some txt ping pong! Now, I can see value in both, so which takes your fancy today?” I had dinner plans with a girlfriend that night so sent a message after work: “Well, I’m able to talk within the next 15min. Otherwise we can text haha. When did you have in mind?”

During dinner with my friend he sends a reply “Awww snap…seems my nonchalant attitude to keeping my phone on me strikes again :l  Well, I’m around this weekend, so how does Sunday grab you?” I took offense to this message, as ridiculous as that sounds. I was feeling particularly sensitive these past few days and felt that an invitation for Sunday was inferior to a Friday or Saturday evening date – I know, I know, Dear Diary, all he’s doing is trying and I’m being overly critical of him no matter what he does.

The next morning, as I was drafting the above cut-and-run message to Karate Kid, I decided to reply to Mr Lady’s Man so not to seem impolite: “Haha not to worry. I cannot judge you on that one. Hhmmm this Sunday is particularly busy”.

My Lady’s Man replied soon after with: “So there’s no lazying on a Sunday afternoon for you then….very disappointing :p Okay, as I’ve, flexibility in my schedule next week, when would suit you better?” 

Again, I took oversensitive offense to him not suggesting Friday or Saturday night! Seeing as there was no rush I would carefully consider my response and whether I really wanted to see him or not. My reply the next day was: “I could do Wednesday evening next week”. 

He replied soon after with: “Wednesday evening sounds good to me”.

It wasn’t until just now that I realised why he didn’t suggest Saturday night – there’s a dance party on that he, Karate Kid and I usually go to. It still doesn’t excuse him for not suggesting Friday night! Maybe that’s also why Karate Kid hasn’t suggested catching up this weekend as he’s assuming that he’ll see me at the party? I’m still undecided if I’ll even go.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] © 123RF.com

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