Deafening Silence – Entry 138

Dear Diary

The weekend felt like it lasted forever. I would expect to welcome such a novel experience but it’s not fun waiting patiently. I was beginning to give up on Karate Kid and doubting his interest in me. Maybe suggesting that we have a conversation about us was too much for him to handle.

On Monday evening, he finally sent through a text: “Hahaha earth to wabbit….did you survive last weekend….

It was nice to feel that my presence was missed. I had skipped three parties in a row that I’d usually attend. Feeling relieved I replied: “Hello cuddly raccoon. Yes, I survived haha”

The conversation stopped there. I was waiting for him to suggest a time to meet or ask if he could call me. Nothing. I went to sleep and begged myself to exercise some self control and avoid checking my phone throughout the night – sleep was important. It’d been an exhausting weekend of waiting.

To catch you up on other news, on Sunday evening, I logged into Facey to find a reply from Mr Lady’s Man:  “Okay, then I’ll tell you what I’m thinking …well, I’ll suggest an idea …how about we grab a tasty beverage? Nice & easy 😉

I must say that I was underwhelmed by his message. Really? Just a cheap drink? That’s not romantic at all. I wondered if he had alcoholic tendencies. I started typing out a reply: I’m not a big drinker…..*erase*…..I don’t really drink but am sure I’ll find something on the menu…*erase*….. This message writing business was hard work. I settled with: “That sounds okay”. 

That sounds okay – Could I have sounded any more disinterested if I tried? Seeing things from his side of the fence, maybe a drink was less threatening than dinner or an activity…..still not impressed. And what’s with this “Nice and easy” bit? he should be putting in effort.

Alright then! tell you what….I’m sensing that this may go far smoother via phone then fb. Shoot me a text..or if you’re feeling exceptionally adventurous then a call & we’ll figure out the specifics” he included his number at the end of the text.

This guy just sounds like he’s used to women making all the effort. Stalling, I replied the next day with: “Haha you could be right. My number is xxxxxxx” I tried really hard not to fixate on his choice of ‘then’ rather than ‘than’.

The next day Mr Lady’s Man sends through a text message: “Hello there Anastasia!…..unless this is someone else as I’ve switched digits in the number. Not that I’ve done that before…I absolutely have 😦 ” 

Not wanting him to call me that evening I replied: “Haha hello XX. This is the correct number. I’m just heading out for the evening!” It was true, Karate Kid was on his way to pick me up to take me to dinner – finally, a chance to seek the truth.

Karate Kid had sent a message that morning: “How’s the schedule like this week….I want to hear all the naughty things you did… :p”

After work I replied: “Hehehe I wouldn’t be naughty. When did you have in mind?”

KK: “I dunno….what are you cooking tonight… :p” 

Me: “Haha cheeky! I haven’t thought of what to make for dinner tonight yet” ….this wasn’t technically a lie. I was feeling like a weary, acopic mess and wasn’t planning on having anything substantial to eat.

KK: “Well….let’s eat out if you don’t know what to cook”

Me: “That sounds nice”

In hindsight, I should have rehearsed what I wanted to say and how I’d introduce the conversation topic of ‘us’. At the start, I didn’t want to ruin a nice evening together. We hugged, kissed and spoke about our weekends at my place before he took me to a local eating precinct. We settled for a nice Japanese restaurant.

He seemed to be trying to put his best foot forward. He paid for dinner and asked about aspects of my childhood. Afterwards, he took me by the hand and led me to the games arcade. There was a new bowling alley just opened within the arcade so he organised a game for us. I had high heels so he bought me some socks at the counter. What made the game great was the fact that I won. It did come at the cost of a broken nail (mock me as you like but it’s a serious injury! it drew blood!).

There were notable highlights from the outing: Karate Kid mentioned that there’d be another pub choir on this week and would like to go again if the song was good. At one point during the evening the topic of interaction with children over the weekend occurred. Karate Kid joked that I didn’t mention that I’d had children and put his hand on my stomach….what?? It was clearly a joke but putting his hand on my stomach as if I was a pregnant lady alarmed me. The only thought that could cross through my my was – oh my gosh, does he want children with me? I felt a bit awkward – am I analysing this interaction accurately? how do I feel about this?

At the end of the night he dropped me home and came in to kiss and hug with me for a while. I thought to myself that now was the time to have ‘the talk’….but hoped that he’d broach the subject….we sat in silence and he stroked my hair and face. I have no idea how long we were lying there for but I sure wasn’t going to bring it up. I was terrified that it’d be another repeat of Rhetorical Questions – Entry 104. That was a dark chapter of my life that I didn’t want to voluntarily relive.

Thoughts that were going through my mind were in no particular order: What if he rejected me again? too painful, just way too painful – If he really wanted to be with me he’d suggest that we date officially…maybe he’ll ask me if I just stay quiet for a little longer – am I ready for a relationship? – what if he still needs time to sort out what he wants? – I’m scared – Has he forgotten that we were meant to talk about ‘us’? – maybe it’s not as important to him as it is to me – is he waiting for me to bring up the topic? how awkward – does he think that I’ve changed my mind? – why won’t he just say something? – come to think of it, he’s not professed to me…this is a bad sign, really bad sign, I mean if a guy likes you he tells you that and says why he likes you…KK doesn’t do this – maybe this is the last chance I’ll have to bring it up, I mean now is a good time as we have privacy – All the signs seem to be pointing in a positive direction but I could be misinterpreting them all and just like last time he’ll admit that he doesn’t appreciate me and doesn’t want anything serious with me….

It got to the point where he announced that he had to leave to drive home. I felt like a failure. How could I be so childish to not have the courage to bring up such an important topic. He kissed and hugged me before leaving and I mumbled “Maybe next time we can talk about things” – Far out Anastasia! At least try to sound like a mature adult! Karate Kid laughed and we hugged and kissed at the door before he left.

I think we both walked away with many things left unsaid….or it could just be me the only one left with many things unsaid…. Perhaps, a phone call would be less intense for me than face-to-face? Rhetorical Questions – Entry 104 is still too fresh. I never want to go back to that place again, Dear Diary.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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