Panic Neurosis – Entry 134

Dear Diary

This morning when I woke I felt refreshed and gently opened my eyes. The first thought that came to my mind was ‘Oh my gosh! I’m going to Spain!! Remember? You committed last night Anastasia! What are you doing?’ A rush of anxiety and nervousness ran over my body. I tried to calm myself down ‘It’s going to be alright. You know what you’re doing. You made a decision and you should stick to it’.

Being late for work was a great distraction to the internal dialogue meltdown taking place. Work in general was also a great distraction. Secret Admirer was working in my area today and skillfully limiting interaction and conversation with him required effort.

On my break, I had a brief moment of panic when I remembered that I was going to Spain in seven weeks. Wanting guidance, information, or just anything, I checked my phone and I prayed for a message from The Spaniard….nothing. No message from Karate Kid either – had we spent too much quality time over the weekend and he didn’t want to see me again? There was a message from Bear with general conversation to continue to keep the dialogue open leading up to the trip.

After work, I had an appointment with my Doctor. I’d been meaning for about two weeks to make an appointment to get screened for STIs from Karate Kid. I had no particular reason to get checked other than a phobia I have of contracting them. We had been using protection consistently and I was sure that he wasn’t seeing anyone else (though, we really need to have that talk soon), but I was worried that maybe he had an STI without symptoms and that I may have contracted an asymptomatic raging infection with would threaten my fertility, increase my chances of cancer or warrant lifelong antiviral therapy (dramatic I know, but it could happen to anyone….well, in extreme cases…but this could be an extreme case….how do you know unless you get tested?).

The appointment was an interesting one in that it was both reassuring and alarming. She asked me if there was a possibility that I could be pregnant….I awkwardly said ‘Well, I hope not’. I had a flashback to a fortnight before when Karate Kid had suggested that I take the morning after pill and I laughed it off saying I wouldn’t let myself fall pregnant and that I’d rather have a puppy than a child.

She tested my urine then and there and congratulated me on not being pregnant (such a relief!). She used this as a segue to the topic of contraception. Was I taking anything? No. Why not? because I don’t want to – I may have lied and said that I’d experienced severe mood swings from taking it in the past…. Do I plan to continue seeing Karate Kid? Yes. Do you realise that condoms have up to a 20% failure rate?…pause…um, no…that’s really high, like up to one pregnancy every five times we are intimate…I don’t like those odds….but I don’t want to have to remember to take a pill every day that gives me mood swings and pimples, increases my risk of certain cancers and costs me money. She said that we could discuss alternative forms of contraception in a few weeks after I had more time to think about it.

I felt relieved after the appointment as soon the results would be available and I would have objective evidence that everything was okay and that I could relax. The thought crossed my mind about what would happen if things went too well in Spain for either The Spaniard or Bear? I was convinced that I wouldn’t want to spend the night with either of them as it doesn’t appeal to me now. It’s also too risky. I don’t want to contract some sort of STI and I don’t want to fall pregnant. I have a responsibility to Karate Kid also if we are seeing each other intimately. I shouldn’t put his health at risk by exposing myself, and therefore him, to infections (however much protection is used).

The thing is, Diary, I am making some major assumptions that Karate Kid has the same standards and is not seeing anyone else either. We need to have some serious adult conversations on a number of topics: what are we? is he actively seeing anyone else? and, surprise! it’s time to get screened. I have other less pressing topics for discussion which will wait until later. These include: what do you want longer term from a relationship? can you see your future with me? do you want children? and, tell me truthfully right now what you couldn’t tell me the other night when we were talking about you being available overnight for anyone to contact you on messenger *steam coming from ears*. I acknowledge that the last one is more of a demand than a question.

Karate Kid sent a message this evening: “Hey there wabbit…from memory you said you were busy this weekend?” Hmmmm his memory was accurate. This weekend was a problem. I wanted to have conversations with him but there was no time. How to best make those conversations happen to get some clarity? sending a text asking if we could ‘talk’ would send him running a mile. I decided to lure him into a seemingly nonthreatening phone conversation: “Hello cuddly raccoon. This wknd is pretty busy, yes. I’m free to talk about the wknd atm if you are”. It worked, he called almost immediately.

My evil plan didn’t quite go to plan as I couldn’t bring myself to ask the questions. I am very disappointed in myself to say the least. To make things worse I’ll have to wait until after the weekend as I have absolutely no time available for him this weekend. You’re safe for now Karate Kid, safe for now.

There were some things worth mentioning from the phone conversation. When I asked him how he was he said that he was better because he got to hear my voice and laugh (= instant brownie points). Also, we both said that we enjoyed spending time together on the weekend just passed. He had a surprise planned for Sunday but will postpone it until later when I’m available. At the end of the phone call he asked me to blow him a kiss for the first time and he blew one back to me also. All really positive signs – was my interrogation…um questions I meant….so pressing when he was acting like this?

Oh my gosh, Diary! I’m going to Spain! What am I doing? Would Karate Kid ever forgive me if he found out who will be there?


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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