Cracking Under The Pressure – Entry 133

Dear Diary

So, despite a wonderful weekend and things going smoothly with Karate Kid, I am really starting to sweat under the pressure to make a decision. Tonight I had dinner with a girlfriend and divulged to her my predicaments. With seven weeks until Spain Trip #2 things are starting to feel real.

Life is about making choices and making the most of the decisions you make…but what if there are too many choices? and all have their appealing aspects and, well, less appealing aspects.

As I told the whirlwind romance story of The Spaniard to my friend she gasped and laughed at the stories. I felt my voice become shaky and eyes become a little teary as I got to the part about the airport farewell. It’d been 17 weeks (almost 4 months) since parting ways with The Spaniard, but these buried emotions and hope were still strong. To my friend, he seemed like the obvious choice due to the intense chemistry and his ability to win over my Father’s confidence….but logic informs me that he is the riskiest entity as: I know little about this man; he has a child; he’s separated/divorced; he could be dating someone one now; I haven’t heard from him in two weeks; it’s difficult for me to work in Spain; and, I’d have to give up everything to give us a chance at a relationship.

I told her about Bear. She recalled him from a previous conversation months ago. She asked some important questions such as why we broke up and if there were any non-negotiables that we had previously encountered. Her probing revealed that a second attempt was a viable option. Bear has a special personality – people love him. He’s optimistic, care free and easy to be around. He also has a passion for travel and has an adventurous spirit. We have already met each other’s parents and all get along well. I know that he would move Country to be with me and would ask for my hand in marriage (much quicker than he did initially, anyway). I know that I could also fit into his life in Peru as I’ve given up everything to go and be with him before. Would I be crazy enough to do it again? Yes, just not so blindly this time. There is a risk that I may rediscover the feelings that I once had for Bear and could confound my predicament further. The other complicating factor with Bear is that he will certainly post photos of us up on Facey….I know that Karate Kid would have stalked my profile and know fully well who Bear is and how significant he was in the past.

I confessed to the secret fling with Karate Kid. My friend was surprised and had not suspected a thing (this is a good thing as it means other people aren’t suspicious either). Karate Kid cannot offer romance or spark, but he can offer stability, dependability and loyalty. These are important qualities for a life partner and parent. He’s had less experience with relationships and my friend even said that she’s known him for years and can’t recall him being with someone within that time. He is also risky option as I don’t know if he is committed to a long term serious relationship with me – but it’s a catch 22 situation as I’m not ready for this conversation for two reasons: 1. I don’t know if I’m 100% ready yet, and 2. I won’t know if I’m ready until we have had the conversation….but if we have the conversation and it goes well I won’t morally be able to meet with The Spaniard or Bear in Spain. There is also performance in the bedroom to consider – would this be a major problem for us? For the record, I’m happy to accept him as he is. The other concern is that he has no interest in travelling (but we haven’t had a proper conversation about this yet…..).

I like to base my decisions on facts. Facts are limited at current. The facts that I do have are as follows:

  • My heart says that I need to give myself the opportunity to see The Spaniard again
  • My heart is curious to see Bear again
  • My heart is cautious with Karate Kid, but hopeful
  • I trust my judgement
  • I have the right to not choose any option
  • I am strong enough to emotionally deal with whatever situations I’m confronted with

So Dear Diary, the decision has finally been made. I will go to Spain.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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