A couple of days ago I found another message from Karate Kid in my inbox:
KK: “how desperate do you want these videos up…. :p“
He was referring to the video footage from the zorb soccer game. I interpreted his message as an attempt to bribe me into doing something I wasn’t comfortable doing. Not wanting to jump to conclusions though, I tested the water:
Me: “Why’s that?“
KK: “I have to spend time to convert to a smaller size and upload to youtube“
It smelt suspiciously like he was preparing to bribe me. Determined not to walk into any traps I nipped things in the bud early:
Me: “It’s everyone that you’d be letting down, not just me.”
KK: “hahahah you could of said a postive message…like….”you can do it” “
Hhhmm maybe he was actually looking for encouragement rather than to take advantage of me. It was getting late and I didn’t want to end up in a online chat fest so I replied:
Me: “Haha! Use the force, KK. Night!” I then signed out.
The next evening I signed in to:
KK: “o we are back to this “night” business, lol. Ok im staying home to try get this done tonight…“
Me: “I was signing out for the evening. Thanks KK! did it work?“
KK: “thats what i mean…. the signing off. I always hated that“
Ouch. Was he trying to start an argument? Surely he understands that I can’t be online for hours and hours just in case he sends a message. And importantly for the record, I have explicitly told him in the past that I prefer texts as I don’t go online that often – he knows this!
Not wanting to play along to any games he might be trying to instigate I replied:
Me: “But I needed to go. I don’t have FB on my phone“
KK: “of course it worked. i’m KK. the vids are sitting in my youtube account.“
Ummm, I can’t tell if he’s irritated or neutral. Best to be nice:
Me: “Yayyy!! thanks KK!!” I then sign out for the night
The next morning I find waiting for me:
KK: “Thinking about you as i watch the vids…. you’re looking very funny each time you fall… :)“
It seemed like a weird thing to say. Why doesn’t he just upload the darn videos already? People are waiting! But, best to play nice. He does have the power at the moment and he knows it. I’ll just keep pretending that I’m not phased if they get uploaded or not (as I said earlier, he’s letting everyone else down too).
Me: “Haha I bet it’s hilarious. Thank you very much for filming. Also, thank you for bringing your camera along. It was very thoughtful of you. I was meant to thank you on the day“
KK: “No problems. It’s important to keep memories and I knew it is important to you. I can give you the links so that you can write up a post in the event.“
Why can’t he post them himself? Is he just trying to make me do things? or is he just creating excuses to keep a dialogue? why doesn’t he just text me? What does he want? Is he just trying to be nice so that we can remain friends?
To be honest, Diary, it really, really hurts to think that he will move on and find someone else some day soon. I don’t want to be witness to it and think to myself ‘that could have been me‘. As much as I’d like to prepare myself for it I still think it’ll break my heart to see it.
Reality is that I can’t make him care for me the way I would like him to. It’s free will at the end of the day and his heart doesn’t desire me. It does make it easier to accept it when you rationalise to yourself that it didn’t work out because it wasn’t right – But Diary, it never works out for me, it’s never ‘right’. I’m trying hard to keep an open mind and heart, but at the moment all I can do is picture myself as single and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Yes, I acknowledge that I can be difficult to date, but that’s only because these men haven’t been showing me the courtesy or respect I expect. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
I think that it’d be easier to move on if I had someone to move on to. Normally, I do not concur with the idea of a rebound because it isn’t fair on the other person…but maybe that’s what I need? practice! maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to officially be dating someone for a while? How to make it happen though? Out of principle (and multiple bad past experiences) I don’t ask men out. Maybe I should say yes to the next person that asks me out? I’d need caveats though – I’d have to be attracted to them, they’d have to be a seemingly nice person and appear to have good intentions. Hmmm I don’t know Diary, it’s a pretty big deal. Let me think about it and get back to you.
On a side note. I had a conversation with a girl friend the other day. She told me a story about someone she knows. This person is grieving at the moment because their boyfriend passed away. They had met at a soccer game and started talking, then moved on to dating each other and then living together. He had known that he had bowel cancer at the start and warned her that he may not be around forever. He was undergoing treatment. She was okay with this and spent nine months getting to know him. Apparently, he had confided in a friend that he wanted to move to her home Country with her one day when he was in remission. Sadly, oh so sadly, after about nine months of treatment a mistake was made. A non-cancerous area of his bowel is treated with chemotherapy instead of the cancerous section. After a series of complications, in a matter of two weeks he was gone. Tragic. Absolutely tragic. He was only 31 years of age. I’m sure he’d be telling us all right now to not sweat the small stuff and to go out and live a little.
In his honour, I will. Tonight I’ll go out dancing.