Dear Diary
Have you heard of the term Mountain top thinking? It’s the theory that when you go to a quiet, elevated place your mind is able to think clearer. Your problems start to become insignificant as you sit high above them, untouchable, overlooking the world below. I think that this theory can be applied to most peaceful outdoor settings. Nature is powerful.
It’ll be a few days before I’m able to undertake my own mountain top thinking, but that’s okay. Talking with honest friends is also an awakening experience. The truth that loved ones share with you can be hard to accept at times, but it always comes from a place of compassion (as distorted as it may seem).
Leaning back slightly from the situation it looks as though I’m in a hybrid between a catch twenty two scenario and a self-ultimatum….
Once Upon A Time… there lived a proud rabbit. One day, the proud rabbit looked around and saw all the other rabbits with their loyal partners and large happy families. She longed for the same. The proud rabbit realised that she’d been so preoccupied with exploring the woodlands and learning how to hop with speed and agility that she’d missed the opportunity to meet an eligible male rabbit.
The end…haha, not really.
The prowling wolf had been talking with the rabbit whenever she would hop through the woodlands. He seemed like a nice enough wolf despite his jagged porcelain smile and disheveled appearance. The proud rabbit had been previously warned by the other rabbits about how dangerous the wolves could be. They could not be trusted as they liked the taste of rabbit meat. The proud rabbit found this hard to comprehend as the prowling wolf had never tried to hurt her. When the rabbit looked at the prowling wolf she did not see a savage beast, but a misunderstood, lonely creature.
One season rolled into the next. The proud rabbit and prowling wolf had been enjoying many an afternoon frolicking in the sunbathed fields together. It was starting to get cold though and the proud rabbit needed to prepare her lair for the approaching Winter. The prowling wolf invited her to stay in his den for the Winter so that they would be able to see each other every day. The The Winter was approaching fast and the proud rabbit needed to make a decision. Should she resume her solitary life surrounded by the other rabbits happy with their partners and families? Or should she take a chance and spend the Winter with the prowling wolf? Once she left the rabbit warren she may not be able to return as the adventurous and wandering rabbits didn’t ever come back. If she let herself be vulnerable towards the prowling wolf would she uncover the deeper connection that she was craving? Surely, he wouldn’t hurt her, they’d spent so much time together without any issues….but, what if he did kill her? He was a wolf and she was a rabbit, after all.
With only a few days left to make her choice she found her mind bouncing in circles. This was not the way to make a decision. With all her furry might she focused on listening to what her little heart wanted most. Then, a thought came to her….she didn’t have to choose either option. She had given herself an ultimatum and failed to see that there was a third option: to be open to other opportunities.rabbit wasn’t sure what to do. You see, despite hoping through the woodlands with the prowling wolf and playing in the fields, she had never let her guard down for a minute. The words of her fellow rabbits always whispered in the back of her mind ‘Never trust a wolf. They like the taste of rabbit meat’.
It was evident that the prowling wolf needed step up and convince her further of his capacity as a life partner. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be so doubtful. She was more than capable of caring for herself so there was no need to rush into anything. The Winter could pass and with the change of season would open her eyes to wondrous opportunities to be explored.
She was not yet ready to settle on an ending to her tale.
The (provisional) End
Last night Karate Kid sent me a message: ‘I want to hold you in my arms and keep you warm and safe…I will call you tomorrow…’
I didn’t know how I felt about this message. It contained words that I wanted to hear and softened me. But, it came from Karate Kid. His tone did seem sincere though. I was intrigued to know what he had planned for Thursday. I hadn’t agreed to anything yet and certainly wasn’t changing my shifts at work to accommodate. It’d have to be something really thoughtful and well planned for me to consider going. I felt pressured to agree to going and wanted to avoid the phone call so that I didn’t have to commit. Where was the space that I’d asked him for? I still don’t know what I want deep down.
After reading his message I went to sleep. A strange dream ensued. Karate Kid was in it. He took me on a surprise road trip to the seaside. I was happy. The dream turned into a courtroom and Karate Kid sat beside me whilst I waited my turn to talk to the judge about getting my bond back. Karate Kid disappeared and soon The Charming Colleague came into the picture. We looked into a mirror together with our heads close to one another. I realised that the mirror that we were looking into was the one from Harry Potter – the mirror or desires – where what you see is what you truly desire, but it isn’t reality. The dream then morphed into something else. I wasn’t sure what to make of it when I woke up.
The Spaniard sent a message yesterday asking how I was. He had spent the weekend at a farm house with his Son. There were animals there and they had a great time. He’s such a good Father. I said that I’d love to see photos….no reply. Hmmm, maybe too personal?
Anastasia
The Contemporary Princess 