The Decision – Entry 111

Dear Diary

Today Karate Kid phoned. He was disappointed when I said that I was working the evening shift on Thursday. We still would have been able to meet up later in the evening, but he didn’t suggest this. He instead asked about Friday evening (I had plans already) and then he resorted to asking me to send my schedule to him so we could work out a time… schedule is classified information, thank you very much.

Uneasy with still not knowing what I wanted I tried to protest by saying that I was confused. He said that everything was okay and that we were just spending time getting to know each other better. I didn’t like this response either, too non-committal (not that I want to commit to him myself – I just want the option if I so desire to accept it later).

After the phone call I was feeling frustrated. He’d essentially attempted to make plans on Thursday that I didn’t agree to, and then cancels them without trying to compromise to fit with my schedule. Who is this guy? He also hadn’t been giving me the time and space that I’d requested a week ago. Slowly and painfully, the words came to me. The words that I’d been seeking in the past week:

Hey, I don’t think you realise that things changed drastically for me after our conversation at the dance congress. You made your intentions clear and we are on completely different pages. I can’t allow myself to continue investing into something that isn’t good for me”.

I felt as though my inner balance had returned after sending that message. I didn’t want to have to resort to it as it was confrontational, but he needed to hear it. What he was offering me was casual hanging out to buy himself more time. We had been seeing each other for months, this was more than generous on my part. Also, he had tried to trample over my ‘me time’ that I’d requested with no regard for my free will and entitlement to make my own decision about what I wanted.

So far, so good. No response from him. Maybe this was the silver bullet?

The Spaniard sent through some adorable photos of him and his Son on their weekend rural getaway. They seemed really happy. As I looked at the photos I couldn’t picture myself being there with them, I didn’t feel as though I belonged. I still replied that the photos were precious and it looked like they had an amazing time.

The Musician has sent through a message asking when I am free to catch up. It looks like it may be Saturday morning or Monday evening as my schedule is very tight. We’ll wait and see if something actually gets planned.

No word from Nice Guy. Maybe I gave him the wrong number?…or maybe he saw Karate Kid and I talking at my car on Sunday evening?…or maybe he’s just shy or not that interested?

I saw The Secret Admirer at work today. I think he understands that nothing will ever happen between us. This is a good thing despite it causing me a lot of guilt. I don’t like hurting others and he doesn’t deserve it by any means, but the heart knows what it doesn’t want.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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