In retrospect, I should not have gone out dancing tonight. Things would have been less complicated.
Dance Teacher asked me to help teach a beginners class before the party as the usual teacher was away. Wanting to help, I agreed. It got me free entry to the party so I was pretty happy about that.
Karate Kid arrived soon after the party started. He made a bee line for me and asked me to dance. He said that I shouldn’t have run away and should have replied to his message. I asked him for an example of what would be an appropriate reply (alluding to the mixed messages he was sending). He said either a ‘yes, I’ll meet with you on Thursday night. Or, no I don’t want to see you‘ would have been sufficient. I hadn’t felt like replying as I wasn’t sure what to say. I said I didn’t understand why he invited me out. He smiled and said it was good I was starting to talk. He said he wanted to see expression on my face, rather than the vague look I’d had whilst dancing with him – a smile, a frown or even my pursed lip annoyed face. This remark made me angry and he said “yes! Just like that! It’s so much better than an empty expression” This of course made me purse my lips again and he laughed at me. He told me that I had to say goodbye that night and not run away again.
During the party I got the feeling that the friend of confidence may have whispered in Karate Kid’s ear after our conversation last weekend. Could that be the reason for his bizarre behaviour? I hoped that she wasn’t trying to play cupid as she didn’t truly understand the situation amd how complex it was for me currently.
The Tardy Teacher asked me to dance. He made a comment that my dress looked amazing the night before and that me felt as though he’d made a lot of mistakes whilst dancing with me because of it. I wasn’t quite sure what to say so I smiled and giggled. We had an amazing dance together.
Nice Guy asked me to dance. He hasn’t yet sent a text despite asking for my number a few days ago. Maybe he isn’t sure how I feel yet (this is a good thing as it buys me time). He had seen me gravitate towards the door and caught me for a dance. He mentioned that I’d disappeared the night before…..I laughed and smiled. I got the feeling that he wasn’t going to let me go without properly saying goodbye and possibly walking me to my car….not good as Karate Kid had the same plan.
This was a situation I really wanted to avoid at all costs. There would be no repeat of The Clash of The Titans again. I sat to the side and assessed my options. It’d be much more complicated waiting for both to be dancing, but my best bet. They both were lingering keeping an eye on me and not dancing much which was the problem. I tried to look relaxed like I wasn’t about to make a run for it. I wished that there was a second door from which I could escape – no luck this time. I made a mental note that I’d need to put my belongings in a different area so that I could slip away undetected in future.
I picked a song to leave. As I went to get my things Karate Kid had already started dancing with someone. He shot me a glance as he danced as if to say ‘don’t do it‘. I got my things ready and then paused to decide if running was the best thing. I sat for a moment and someone asked me to dance. He who hesitates loses. At the end of the song Karate Kid went outside and waited at the doorway. Nice Guy was dancing with someone else across the room. I decided to leave despite Karate Kid escorting me, really there would be no more surprises so I had nothing to risk. My car was also parked right outside in plain sight so there was no chance of stolen kisses.
As we walked down the stairs a voice came from behind us. It was the Tardy Teacher. He greeted us and we had a short chat outside my car. I felt a little uneasy as I didn’t want him to think that anything was happening between us. To tie up the conversation Karate Kid said that he was having an early night as he had an interview the next day. Without missing a beat Tardy Teacher pats him on the shoulder and tells him “whatever you do, don’t be yourself“. It was hard not to laugh. Tardy Teacher than says goodbye and Karate Kid looks at me unimpressed. I smile and say that his comment was pretty funny.
Before parting Karate Kid hugs me and says that we could speak later. I look him in the eye and the look on his face tells me that I should be agreeing or declining. Indecisive, I tell him that I don’t understand him. He says that he’s a bad person and a confusing one. Not tolerating this nonsense any more I tell him in a calm voice that we had already discussed that we want different things and that it didn’t make sense to keep seeing each other.
He holds my shoulders and looks me in the eyes. He says that we can discuss it later. He said he had a lot on his mind with the interview. He then hugs me. Irritated with further ambiguity and loose ends I interrupt the moment to tell him that I need to go as I have an early start the next day. I pull away and wish him luck with the interview.
So, so confusing dear Diary. I need to do some soul searching before I speak with him next. I wish that he’d given me the time and space that I requested under a week ago. It would have been much less confusing for me if I had had the chance to breath and reset my emotions. I can hear you saying ‘Don’t do it! Don’t give him another chance! Have some self respect! Give him what he deserves and kick him to the curb!’….It’s easier said than done. I just need more time. What if he’s ready for something deeper and meaningful? Maybe this is too high of a hope for him…but then again, maybe not.
On the drive home I thought about The Spaniard. What would it be like if I was in Spain right now? Am I being silly wondering about him and what could be? Really, there are no guarantees. He sends me music and occasional messages. Will he pick up his game as November approaches? Am I wasting my time and energy? What’s the right answer?