Dear Diary
This week was a short week at work as I’d booked for the dance congress a year in advance. The paranoia around who may be The Secret Admirer was starting to turn into curiosity. Maybe a good thing I had Friday off so not to fall to temptation and start asking questions? It’d been a whole week since the colleague approached me about my age. Maybe they aren’t interested anymore? Definitely no surprise chocolates or flowers to report.
As the dance congress got closer I started getting more moody and unsure about it. Karate Kid’s words and actions really took a toll on me so it seems. Being excluded and teased about it is devastating no matter how broad you think your shoulders may be. Despite him coming to visit and apologise late on Monday evening I still harboured bitterness inside. I can’t exactly pinpoint why such strong emotions have been evoked -perhaps deep seeded fears of rejection stemming from childhood? It may also be primal instinct? Either way, I have been determined to stand on my own two feet and demonstrate to myself that I’m better off without being involved in their click.
I decided not to cancel the trip as I’d booked it for my own pleasure. The extra cash from cancelling the accommodation would have been great but I’ll just lay low until I recover financially. To offset costs I packed a toaster with an extention cord – this is to cook toast outside on the balcony and not set off the fire alarm. I also brought cereal, fruit and tinned tuna. My hotel room has become a self contained apartment so it seems. I stopped myself from bringing the rice cooker as I figured that I’d have enough food.
On Thursday Karate Kid sent a message during the day:
“I’m aiming for 3ish today. message me when you get to the coast. also you are welcome to use our kitchen.. so bring anything you need. i have added you to them group on fb.”
This message irritated me so much. What sort of sympathy invitation was this? He obviously felt guilty about being a jerk and was trying to make a mends. Too little too late. I decided to ignore it. My plans were to avoid the group and fend for myself like I messaged him on Sunday evening. I told myself that I’m not part of their group, never truly have been and never will be. A few hours later he sends another text: “when are you coming?”
This next message enraged me further. That is classified information only for deserving and people of confidence to know! What does it matter to him what I’m doing and when if I’m not part of their group? My actions have no impact on his or their plans in the slightest. I held myself back with my reply to sounds as least spiteful as possible: “Hey! Not sure when I’ll start the drive. I may or may not make it to the party tonight. Maybe see you guys on the D-floor if I do! Enjoy your night!”
On the drive down my stomach was in knots. Had I made the correct decision going to the congress still? Would I enjoy it as much as I should do with this grey cloud over my head? Why was I letting it get to me so much? Would I be able to make lemonade from the lemons and still have an amazing time? Would I be burning friendship bridges with the other people in the group by actively avoiding them?
I arrived late to the hotel and settled into the room. I got changed into a cute dress and put on make up to boost my confidence. It was time to face the music. I knew the Thursday night party would be lower key compared to the rest of the weekend so should be a good way to get over my unusual nervousness.
At the party Karate Kid was there. I pretended not to see him and moved away to another area. Between songs he came closer and asked someone else to dance. Too close for comfort I moved further across the room. He eventually danced his was over to where I was sitting and asked me for the next dance. Reluctantly, I agreed. I tried so hard to look relaxed and impartial. He kept looking at me though and asked how I was. He said he knew ‘that look’ and I shrugged it off hoping he’d stop insisting I open up.
I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was concerned. He was probably confused as to why I was so distant despite his apology on Monday. I do acknowledge that he tried to make things better, but I can’t help how I feel still. His words really damaged me and it’ll take some time for me to recover. Time, and distance from him and his group that I don’t belong to.
I thanked him for the dance and then excused myself. Thankfully, other men asked me to dance soon after which was a good distraction. I actually met one with a stern European look on his face, he reminded me of a short James Bond. Mr Bond found me later in the night to ask more questions about me. He definitely seemed interested. Such a shame he is from another Country. I left the party at 2am. Karate Kid had disappeared earlier in the night without saying goodbye.
Friday morning a thought dawned on me – I was sure there was meant to be a Masquerade party at this congress and I hadn’t packed a mask! Deciding to boycott the morning dance classes in thr name of vanity I drove 1.5hrs home to pick up my 3 masks (a lady needs options). I then drove back and had a long sleep. Karate Kid sent a message around lunch that read: “we are going Korean for lunch” – what type of half-hearted invitation was that? And as if I’m going to pass up my avocado on toast to join them. I waited a few hours and replied: “Hope it was tasty. I’ll see you all out later at party tonight.” I wanted to insinuate that I had no intention of joining them for dinner either. He replied saying that I was a ‘funny girl’. More like a woman scorned!
Anyway, it’s time to go to the next party. There should be much more people at thia one so easy to avoid certain people. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Anastasia
The Contemporary Princess 