Flying Under the Radar – Entry 94

Dear Diary

Since Thursday night I’ve been laying low. This translates to not logging onto Facey and not going out dancing. I just haven’t felt like dealing with any more boy drama nor feeling pressured into making any decisions on where I stand with a particular Potential. It works out relatively well as I’ve come down with yet another cold (one of my friends has astutely pointed out that this may be from kissing too many boys….perhaps, they have a point).

Karate Kid sent a reply message to my evasive ‘Happy Friday!’ the morning after the Clashing of the Titans. His message read:

Hahaha not sure if I want to smack you on your ass or cuddle you….hmmmmm

This was sent at 8pm on Friday night. I wasn’t impressed by the tone of the message. He really is focused on sexy time more than he is on forming a relationship with me. Not interested in buying what he was selling I ignored his message. I knew he was fishing as I had RSVP’d to a dance party on that night and also he had invited me to a group movie outing on Saturday. I had no intention of attending either.

A thought has also been lingering in the back of my mind since falling sick again – Karate Kid cannot possibly catch on that I’m unwell. This would likely result in him bringing me soup again and we all know what soup means… to keep it on the down-low.

Diary, I’ve made a big decision in the past few days also – I will return to Spain in November to see The Spaniard again. Indecision has been churning inside me since my return home. It was something surreal being with him and having that familiar yet foreign connection with another soul. The circling analysis within my head flows something like: but could it have all just be in my head? Was it just a sensation I manifested, a sense of truly belonging and connecting with someone that I’d created because I’d been yearning it for so long? Could it be that because it was a foreign love affair with no strings attached that I actually let myself relax enough to connect with a man? and maybe, just maybe, if I let myself relax at home I could discover the same connection and intimacy with another here?…..

The Spaniard has been rather cold since my return home. He doesn’t seem to want to talk much or to open up towards me. Every so often I’ll get a message where I can feel the warmth and excitement behind it, but it isn’t often enough for my liking. I haven’t been able to decide if it’s because the thrill of the chase is over now that I am so far way, or, if it’s because he is selflessly avoiding influencing my decisions. I think we both know that I’d go straight back to be with him if he ever asked me.

After I made the decision to go back I’ve felt relatively at peace. I’m sure that no matter what happens I’ll have an amazing time, after all, I will be speaking Spanish every day, exploring and going out dancing. The Spaniard is just the icing on the cake. It’s been strange, I find myself having flashbacks to parts of my Spain trip. It’s as if it’s calling me. I feel relaxed and a glint of excitement whenever the flashbacks happen. Mostly, they are of Seville, not Barcelona (where The Spaniard is based).

I carefully crafted a message to The Spaniard yesterday: Hola. I’ve made the decision to come back to Barcelona in November. I’d love to see you again. No pressure of course. The truth is that I felt something special with you. I don’t know what it means, but I’m happy if this ‘something’ stays something like friendship. It’s fine if we only see each other one time or if you don’t have time to catch up at all.

After sending it I hoped he’d be excited to read it. I wouldn’t be surprised if it scared him away. Not waiting for a reply, I got on with the rest of my day. He eventually replied “That sounds phenomenal to me, beautiful”. I then booked my flights to Barcelona.

The next morning I woke up feeling a bit unsure about my decision. Was I chasing this man or doing this for myself? I don’t know the answer to that question to be honest. Let’s see how I feel as the time gets closer. I can always cancel.

In other news, Karate Kid has sent through a message saying that he’s out dancing tonight and wants to know if I’m going – of course not!!! He must be at the party I went to last week and ended up kissing with the Dreamy Colombian!! Two Potentials at the one party again!? No, thank you very much. This situation would be even worse than Thursday night’s debacle as they’d both expect to walk me to my car and kiss me goodnight. I’ll need to be extra strategic with where and when I go out dancing from now on. Best to lay low for a bit longer!


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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