Smells and Tastes Like Rejection – Entry 95

Dear Diary

Facing the music is not fun, unless you’re a Conductor, then it’s technically your job and I hope that you like it. I’ve been avoiding Facey since last Thursday as I have been expecting to hear from Dreamy Colombian and/or Tardy Teacher. Generally, if you wait long enough they eventually give up. I think subconsciously this is the tactic I was taking (and possibly running away from my problems…just maybe a little bit). Despite not wanting the extra drama, I’d be very disappointed if neither had contacted me as well. Ironic, I know.

Well, let’s just say that I was terribly disappointed when I eventually logged into Facey. What is it with men? they seem very interested and then don’t do anything about it? They both were trying to win my attention that night – I could have been dancing with other men instead of them if I knew that they were going to waste my time. Could it be that when alcohol is on board that they think they want you but actually don’t when sober? On the flip side, it means that I can go out dancing guilt-free as they aren’t actively pursuing me.

Karate Kid did end up calling me on Sunday evening. It turns out that there is another party on random Sundays now (= great news that he won’t cross paths with Dreamy Colombian). He wanted to know when I was next free to see him. The conversation was as disjointed as usual and we seemed to agree on Tuesday, though I was irritated that he wouldn’t give me any details about time nor place. As he was at a dance party he said he’d call me on Monday night. He instead sent ambiguous messages on Monday night that I ended up ignoring them and going to sleep. It’s now Tuesday and I have no idea what’s happening….this could potentially be my fault but I feel my inaction is justified.

One issue I have is that I get over being annoyed or upset with someone relatively quickly. Minimal insults may provoke an over exaggerated cold shoulder response for a day or so, and then I don’t really feel upset anymore. I was upset with Karate Kid for being ‘too flirty’ with another lady at a dance party two weekends ago. Enough time has passed that I’m not angry anymore but after reminding myself why I was initially upset with him, I reflected and decided that out of principle I’d have to hold my ground. That brings me to right now – no idea if we are meeting tonight or not as I didn’t reply to his message last night. Self inflicted? perhaps, but he should have called like he said he would. I’ve settled with sending a belated reply: I hope that you enjoyed your dinner last night. Will keep an ear out for my phone.If I don’t hear from you have a nice evening. It was the least passive aggressive that I could manage at the time – and believe me, it took me an hour or so to compose that message. Let’s wait and see what happens.

Today at work one of the good looking colleagues that I work with told me about his weekend. This particular colleague I haven’t mentioned before as work is off bounds for dating. This particular colleague is extremely good looking and has a lovely personality. I think every woman secretly hopes he’d ask her out on a date. Last year he was single as he did mentioned his ex-girlfriend to me. I hadn’t seen him for maybe four or more months until recently now that he’s been moved temporarily to my department. Still as handsome and charming as ever I haven’t been able to gauge if he is single. Today he felt the need to tell me about his cheese-filled weekend. He told me that he and his Mother went to a really nice Deli with amazing cheeses – I held my breath and thought ‘oh my gosh! he is definitely single! who goes to eat cheese with just their Mother on the weekend? how sweet is he!’ – I tried not to look excited. He paused and then continued his sentence with saying that his girlfriend also went with them ….. I tried not to look disappointed. My next thoughts were: can he tell that my heart is breaking right now? did he mention her because he thinks that I’m interested in him? does he think that I’m desperate? dear Lord! do I really come across as desperate? I thought that I covered my tracks relatively well – should I talk to him less now? or is that too obvious if I stop talking? should I talk to him the same? but he thinks I’m interested, right? I decided to get back to work and pretend that my heart wasn’t breaking.

In other news, The Spaniard has sent a couple of messages. Yesterday he asked me how my weekend had been. I said it was nice and asked how his was. A day later he replies with: To help Monday be more bearable…. and then sends a link to a salsa song. I thank him for the song and haven’t heard back from him yet. I love that he contacts me but always hope for more in his messages. Is going back to Barcelona really a good idea?


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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