Playing with Fire – Entry 90

Dear Diary

It’s starting to feel like I’m living two separate lives. On one hand, I dream about The Spaniard and how wonderful it will be when I see him again. We aren’t officially together, but would be if we lived in the same Country. On the other hand, there’s Karate Kid. He is becoming more officially a boyfriend than The Spaniard and the lines are getting blurry as to where we stand…it’s getting close to being a relationship.

The Spaniard has been sending me messages sporadically. He sent a voice recording this morning and give me a big kiss at the end. This was reassuring as it was the most affection that he’s shown since we parted ways. It’s a good sign that he still cares about me and sees more as someone special.

I’ve been holding off on telling The Spaniard that I may be quitting my job in early 2018 to go travelling and working abroad. I really want to make the decision for myself and not have his excitement influence me. I’ll hold off for a bit longer and will also look into a Spanish working visa requirements. I’ve looked into my projected leave balances and I should be paid out a healthy sum if I can hold out until 2018 to hand in my resignation. It’s a big deal as my job is nothing to be sneezed at. But when life calls, life calls.

Karate Kid followed through on his word and took me to the movies last night. He picked me up and took me to dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant and then paid for my cinema ticket. I got us water and ice cream for the movie. He didn’t want to eat the ice cream in the cinema so I shoved it in his mouth whenever he wasn’t paying attention. I think I enjoyed forcing him to eat it more than I enjoyed consuming it myself!

After the movie he dropped me home and then walked me to my door. He walked straight into the house, through to my room and got into my bed. It seemed as though he was starting to get comfortable with things. We kissed and cuddled for a while. Despite his protests he did respect my wishes on how far I’d let things go. He said he’d stay snuggled up with me for a bit before having to drive home. He is actually nice an cuddly to be curled up next to. I was sad at 2am when he decided to leave to drive the 45 minutes back to his home.

It’s hard to decide which way to go. I think with Karate Kid it’s all or nothing. I don’t think he’d ever forgive me if I left him for The Spaniard. Nothing is guaranteed with The Spaniard either as the situation is so much more complicated – child, separated, foreign Country, language barrier…and who knows what else. Karate Kid would be a loyal partner and I have a feeling he would be a reliable and committed family man. But, he’s not The Spaniard. As for The Spaniard, he hasn’t made things official and I feel that he can’t expect me to wait for him. Saying that, if I go to visit him and he found out about my secret frolickings with Karate Kid he may not look at me the same way. The best thing I can do right now is make sure that no photos are published on Facey with Karate Kid and I looking too cozy. That, and hide all photos of The Spaniard on my phone from Karate Kid.

An evil thought crossed my mind this morning. If I wanted to break things off with Karate Kid, all I would have to do would be overbearingly intense. To scare off the average man it’s as easy as telling them that you want to have their children, asking when you’ll meet his parents, sharing the names you have selected for your unborn offspring, asking them when they were thinking of proposing, and seeking their opinion on them being the sole provider for your soon-to-be large family. The only way it could backfire is if Karate Kid liked the sound of everything I was saying! then I’d in big trouble – I’d say there is a 0.01% chance of that happening though.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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