I’ve been feeling numb the whole day. I made a bad life choice last night and really regret it. The silly part is that if I had had more inner strength it could have been avoided. Perhaps it stems from post-holiday withdrawal…or maybe I was just craving connection…either way I’m feeling pretty ashamed at myself.
Before I share the dirt with you I’d like to give you a quote that I stumbled across the other day. It touched my heart and I hope it does for you too:
Levanta la cabeza princessa, sino la corona se cae….(Lift your head up princess, if not your crown will fall…)
I think I’m forgetting to hold my head up at the moment…so time for some serious self-talk.
Confession time – we left off last entry with Karate Kid suggesting he’d come to visit me to bring me chicken soup to help me get better. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not so laughed it off. Well, he asked again yesterday if I’d like for him to bring some chicken soup and that he had it ready to go in the car. Weak for a moment at how sweet a gesture it was I agreed to him coming over. I decided to ‘tidy up’ so as to have no clues of any incriminating evidence of my passionate holiday with my Spanish lover. All photos deleted from my phone (one never knows how big another’s nose is). Stupidly, I didn’t think to hide the extra pregnancy test from my 2-for-1 kit very well (good news by the way – not pregnant to The Spaniard, and also STI tests negative so happy days)….I’m hoping he didn’t see this as I have a feeling he did a bit of snooping in my room…
When he arrived I felt tense. It felt like I was meeting with a stranger which is a stark contrast to how I felt about him before my holiday. I’m sure he picked up on this immediately. This phenomena is not new for me to be truthful, it is certainly a ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ situation. You see, I crave attention and pine after a man if I’ve been talking or dancing with him. This state of suffering generally lasts for a few days and as long as I don’t see them or hear from them there is a transition at about the week mark. At this second stage I feel indifferent, less interested in them, less excited to hear their name, and their existence doesn’t really cross my mind. The third stage, granted I don’t see them, comes at about the month mark. This is where I lose the connection with the person and feel like I’ve fallen out of love. This state has precipitated at least two breakups that I can think of. But this would explain why Karate Kid felt like a stranger.
Like in the Entry 78 – Secrets of the night in Barcelona, Karate Kid was slipped into my house under the cover of darkness whilst my housemate was sleeping. We ate as quietly as we could and spoke about my time in Spain. Eventually he got up and ran to my room playfully threatening to go through my personal effects. Alarmed, I followed him. We spoke on my bed for a bit and then he pulled me towards him so that we could lie together. We spoke more about the trip and also about some personal things. Eventually, his hands began to wander. I tried really hard to resist each advance but after maybe an hour of persistence he had my clothes off. All it was was touching and kissing, I made it clear that sex was not an option.
I felt uneasy for the whole duration of the foreplay as I was concerned about the integrity of his intentions, how I felt, would this mean we were together officially?, was there no backing out?, would this impact me socially if our dynamics change?….very hard to enjoy the experience. Also, my mind did wander to The Spaniard. He was much smoother and more experienced in the bedroom….poor Karate Kid had no idea that I was comparing his attempts to please me with someone fluent in seduction and pleasure. On the bright side, Karate Kid did tell me I was beautiful for the first time. This did shock me but also softened me. The whole time though I didn’t feel the strong attraction to him that I once harboured.
Karate Kid wanted to take my underwear or bra to keep – no! – and then he suggested a photo – over my dead body! – It unnerved me that he wanted some sort of trophy for what took place, as if it was a reminder of the night he conquered me. This upset me somewhat and made me seriously doubt if I could ever relax being intimate with him again – what huge mistake had I just made?
When he got home he sent me a message: Hey snowflake, you’re a beautiful person 🙂
I didn’t reply.
This morning when I woke up and realised what had taken place a few hours before I immediately regretted it. What on Earth had I been thinking? how could I have been so naive and silly to let him come to my house and then allow him to seduce me in my own bed? This would bring nothing but bad news. I figured that it was time for damage control. So I replied:
“Thank you KK, very sweet of you to say. I must be honest with you, I’m actually kind of shocked at how fast things have moved. I’m disappointed with myself for allowing it to progress so rapidly as this isn’t me…..(okay, maybe I did do it just last week in Spain…but he doesn’t know that)….continued: I think things need to slow down to getting to know each other better for a little while sot hat I feel more comfortable. For me, intimacy comes after dating for a while. We haven’t done anything like this and still don’t really know each other well. Do you understand what I mean?”
I wasn’t sure what response I’d get to my message. Admittedly, it was emotional and dramatic, but it was the truth (apart from the white lie…shhhhh). He sent back a message a few hours later:
“Good morning Anastasia. We will slow things down. I want you to be more comfortable and more trusting around me. Talk to you later 🙂 “
This message hit home. He was right. I didn’t trust him. Come to think of it, I don’t really trust any man that I date. Something to ponder over….
It unsettled me that he used the word “we” as if we were an entity…I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of being labelled his girlfriend. Then I realised that I didn’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend at all. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I’ve got big plans of travel and exploring. on. my. own. Just me against the world.
I will give you an update on how things are going with The Spaniard soon.