To Pay the Pied Piper – Entry 70

Dear Diary

I think I’ve made a big mistake. Like, big mistake. I let my guard down and my heart lead and now my brain is in damage control mode. It’s like my heart is in the naughty corner crying because it’s hurt because of the silly choice it made and my brain is the responsible adult wishing it’d been present at the time.

So, Karate Kid and I kissed. No alcohol involved. I do know how I feel about it, but I also don’t know how to feel about it. You see, I like him a lot but I don’t know how pure and genuine his intentions are with me.

The day unfolded in that we were at a mutual friend’s house for a board games session. We flirted a bit there and he gave me a big hug that he had promised from when I was upset the week before about the passing of my friend. I left early as I was tired and I knew we would see each other that night at dancing anyway.

At dancing, I was in one of those lovesick moods. I dressed up nicely in a sultry black dress with shiny chandelier earrings. My hair was straightened, shiny, fabulous and flowing. As soon as I walked in the door five different men came to say hello and give me hugs. This was all in front of Karate Kid. I didn’t want to make him jealous, but I also wanted him to pick up his game. He did come to ask me for a dance soon after that, and I really enjoyed dancing with him. We had a few ‘moments’ gazing into each other’s eyes. He asked me if I was going to disappear without saying goodbye again. I told him that if he didn’t catch me, then yes. If he did catch me then he could say goodbye. He said he’d keep an eye on me.

I danced with many other men that night. It was lots of fun. When it came time to leave I couldn’t see Karate Kid so decided to disappear like Cinderella. On my way out he was standing outside talking. I almost escaped! We hugged goodbye and I started to leave. As I walked away he called out to me and then followed me. He walked me to my car and then said he was there to collect his payment. I laughed and said we were even as technically he’d stolen a kiss from me already. As we went to hug goodbye he put his face in the way, I moved to hug from the other angle and he moved his face in the way again. I laughed and then he tried to kiss me. I stopped him and said we could rub noses, like how Eskimos kiss. I thanked him for being supportive when I was sad and he gave me a big hug. It was really nice to be held. When we parted our noses touched again and I nudged his nose with mine. He kissed me and I let him. We kissed for a long time. He put his hands on my buttocks and I told him a kiss was more than enough, so he moved his hands up to my waist. We looked into each other’s eyes without speaking. He then said goodbye and I got into my car and left.

No text from him. No facey messages all day. No nothing. I was really worried about this and don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him. Does he even like me? Was it all just a game to him? Does he not respect me now because I let him kiss me? Does he not realise how much I like him? Has he gone and told everyone about what happened? Can I show my face at parties again without being judged a tart? Why did I let it happen?

I’m feeling pretty vulnerable now. I don’t know what to do. Really hoping he pulls through or that I summon enough strength to hold my head high and ignore the slander and whispers.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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