A Moment to Reflect – Entry 50

Dear Diary

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting recently. It’s been a few years since I invested in myself spiritually. I think that’s what’s missing. I need to read more about philosophy, the human psyche and theories on life. I think I’m craving understanding and connection with the world. I’ve been trying to find this through relationship, but it won’t ever work if I’m a lost soul. There must be some good books out there for me to read. A little bit of quite time will also do me good.

Date wise, it’s been a quiet weekend as I prioritised family, friend and professional commitments. It’s amazing how good it feels just to be in the company of people that you enjoy. I always feel especially more grounded after seeing my family.

On Facey, a friend sent me a message on Friday asking if I was single. Apparently, she has a friend who is ready to settle down and just waiting to meet the right lady. I replied that I was single and haven’t responded to her next message yet. I don’t feel like meeting him at the moment, whoever he is.

I went to a friend’s engagement party last night. I had a wonderful evening. I met a lovely couple but am harbouring some guilt inside. I feel that I am a threat to the woman, and I think she secretly feels that I am a threat also. It is because I have a lot more in common with her boyfriend of 10 months than she does…the conversation got really awkward when we were discussion Chinese birth signs and I matched with him and she didn’t. I was acutely aware of the developing situation from the start and did my best to contain it. I want friends, not to tempt boyfriends. They both ended up adding me on Facey. I really wished that he didn’t ask me to find myself on his smartphone. I could feel her heart break a little bit. I mentally sent her a promise that I wouldn’t be contacting him and keeping things very platonic. You see, I had invited them to a games event the following weekend. I don’t know if they’ll still come if I seem like a threat. If only they knew how hung up I am on Karate Kid, the dweeb.

Speaking of whom. I did go out dancing last night. It was a surreal experience in that I was feeling unwell having donated blood earlier in the day and that the men were acting differently, most likely a result of the performance last weekend. I tried to keep a low profile as I usually do. It hurt to see Karate Kid dancing with many other women. He knew that I was there but wasn’t going to ask me to dance, nor try to talk to me. Mr Spark was there – why does he have to be so good looking? He hung around a bit here and there, and spent a lot of time dancing with the same girl he always dances with. I wonder if she gets sick of waiting for him to ask her out. I felt that he wanted to ask me to dance but was too guilty/unsure. If we made eye contact I’d acknowledge briefly and then continue dancing and look away.

The Tardy Teacher asked me to dance. We had a wonderful dance to be honest. I think he’d had a drink or two as seemed to be more relaxed than usual. I think he still is interested, but who knows? He has my number if he wants to contact me (unless he deleted it).

At midnight, I walked over to Karate Kid and waved in peace. He came to give me a hug and I asked him if we were all okay. I immediately wished that I hadn’t as he started acting a silly like usual. He was more hurtful though, as if expressing his pain from the cancellation. He went as far as mimicking the peace sign, then turning it around into the finger….I told him that he seemed upset and he told me that I wasn’t good at reading people. He kept being standoffish and rude and I told him he seemed like he was bitter. At the end of the dance I said I was going home and that I hoped he’d forgive me one day. He walked away without saying goodbye. It was really quite bizarre. I couldn’t understand why he could harbour so much resentment when I made it so clear that I was sorry. I fought with myself not to text him about how hurtful he was being and thankfully talked myself out of the silly idea.

As I was leaving one of the guys that I dance with followed me out and called my name. I always love dancing with him as he’s gentle and nice. He wanted to say goodbye so we hugged and then he went back inside. It was sweet of him. I shouldn’t think too much of it as I’ll get myself caught up in silly fairytales in my mind like usual.

This morning Karate Kit sent through a message. It did give me a bit of inner peace knowing that he still had feelings for me. Otherwise, why would he be texting? After the way he was acting last night I honestly thought that I’d never hear from him again. The text read: ‘I think it’s funny and cute that you think I’m mad at you…..:p’. I’ve been working so hard on my work presentation all day that I haven’t had time to respond. I honestly don’t know what to say either. I can’t get any sense out of the guy, so why try? I can’t understand why he’s so nice and normal to other people and to me he’s such a jerk who plays games and talks in riddles? Is it that he doesn’t know what to do with himself? Or is he just a jerk and everyone else accepts him as he is?


Image: [Jana Gouthova] © 123RF.com

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