Breaking Point – Entry 49

Dear Diary

I think things are really getting to me this week. I’ve cancelled to two dates (The Musician and The TV Network Guy) that I was meant to have this coming Sunday as I have a presentation to prepare for work. I haven’t met them yet so it is easier to delay a little longer. They were both understanding and willing to reschedule after I’ve finished my presentation.

I am irritated as I haven’t heard boo from Karate Kid. I am feeling rather vulnerable as I admitted to liking him and now it’s just a mess. I don’t know how to handle the situation other than to pretend that nothing ever existed between us and to pray that there are no social implications for me. I’m also resentful as his big mouth could have damaged potential future relationships with other people on the dance scene. What was I thinking? Why did I play into his silly games? Why hasn’t he contacted me yet? Did my moody messages scare him off? What is his problem? I don’t understand men! Is it so hard to ask a woman on a date?

I got a message from The Lawyer on Facey today saying that he could no longer make it to a group outing that I’ve organised for next weekend. He said he ‘forgot’ and purchased tickets to see a new movie (obviously going with the girlfriend). He said he’d come to the next shindig that I organise. He asked for me not to hate him. Well, I don’t hate him but I don’t have much respect for him. It hurts a lot to see that he’s happy with an easy chick and so easily has forgotten about me. I really wish that our mutual friend hadn’t told me that he confessed to really liking me. I mean, he couldn’t have liked me that much if he gave up so easily as he ‘couldn’t tell if I was interested or not’. What sort of excuse is that anyway? If he ever became single I’d find it really hard to respect him as a man. I think it’s best for me to not be so generous with invitations anymore. I don’t really want him to start inviting her to outings either as she doesn’t like me in the slightest. She can keep him for all I care.

The Dance Teacher finally sent through a message to thank me for my performance last weekend. I don’t quite know where we stand with each other as I have made an exceptional effort of making myself illusive over the past few weeks.

Sometimes I wish that things could just go back to the way they were when they were less complicated. I also wish that I didn’t care about meeting someone so much. I wish that there was a tablet I could take to just not care about having a relationship anymore. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to not live without this constant yearning inside to meet someone special. If I ever find out the secret to not caring anymore I’ll let you know, Dear Diary.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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