The Text – Entry 40

Dear Diary

It was a long night last night….I didn’t sleep very well. It felt like I was going through a break up with Karate Kid and we weren’t even dating. I know it sounds insane, but my brain was working overtime assessing how this ‘falling out’ could impact aspects of my life. My major concerns were that we had too many mutual friends that have known him longer, and also we went to the same dance parties…not good, not good.

I was really tempted by the idea of deleting him from Facebook. But that would be so socially awkward :z I have to see him again. That, and mutual friends will judge. But seeing my profile on Facey is a privilege, he has no idea that only people of confidence and of good nature are welcomed into my person virtual space. I stopped myself pursuing that thought pattern a few times.

At about 1.30am I decided that the next morning I’d send a message. It was against everything I believed in as an independent and self-respecting lady, but I would send a longwinded text. It read as follows:

Dear [insert real name]

For the record, I was joking around above when saying struggling and bored. I can see how it may have come across as mean. Also, when I said I hoped I didn’t upset you I was being honest, not sarcastic as it could easily read. I’m sincerely sorry if I caused offense with my shock-value humour. I honestly thought that was how you liked to joke.

It’s a shame that I come across like a silly girl. If we were to have proper conversations instead of exchanging frivolous, empty texts you may have seen more of who I actually am.

I’m a really nice girl with good intentions. A nice girl who has been confused for some time with what your intentions are. I’ve been patient and hopeful following your lead, but have come to accept that we are seeking very different things – and that’s okay.

Good luck with finding what it is you’re looking for.

Yes, that actually happened. I was proud of my honesty at the time, relieved to finally express my frustration with the situation, and feeling strong for waving the white flag surrendering the will to persevere further. Right now? I’m cringing. Way too much information. I had left myself wide open to be officially friend-zoned, and I didn’t want to deal with that situation right now. I’d rather no response than an ‘I thought we were just friends’.

It’s time for work. Work makes a great distraction. Thank you, Work.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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