Dear Diary
I had a nightmare last night. It’s similar to the others that I’ve veen having all week, even before leaving for China. Most nights I dream that Karate Kid is seeing someone else in secret.
Last night’s was vivid. I was sitting on a tall wooden stool across a tall wooden table from Karate Kid and there were two other people seated with us. One started to give Karate Kid a free psychic reading. They told him that he’d have the choice between two women. One would be a relationship but hard (in that he’d have to learn and grow a lot for ot to function). The other, would be easy but never anything deep.
I studied Karate Kid’s reaction from across the table. I then realised in my heart that he’d already met this other woman and was undecided with which option to take.
My next reaction shocked me. I reached across the table and slapped Karate Kid hard across the face. I then grabbed him and pushed him to somewhere with slightly more privacy, but still public. I interrogated him but he wouldn’t talk much. I already knew the answers so kept slapping him hard across the face and also the torso.
I then hissed at him again to give me an explanation and he admitted that he’d met someone at a party. I demanded to know who. He grinned and said that her name was Angela and watched my face to see if I recognised the name. I didn’t? but I was still hurt and I knew that I had plenty of time to seek her out and tell her my mind. My grip on him loosened for a few seconds whilst I was in shock at discovering the truth. That was, until he told me that recently he was becoming more attracted to me again (which translated to him having wanted her more in the recent past).
Upon hearing this, I got angry again and slapped and slapped him. I felt inside that there waa no hope left, that the battle for his heart had been won my this other, less familiar, woman. He tried to block my slaps and squirm away but I kept striking. I thought that he was a coward. After I’d served him enough punishment I stopped and cried as I crawled away from him. It was at this point that I woke up and wondered what would have happened next if I hadn’t had woken.
I checked my phone but there were no messages sent from him overnight. I have this uneasy feeling as to what the dreams my mean. Am I just insecure? Or is my subconscious or guardian angel trying to tell me something?
This may have been provoked from me accessing Facey last night before bed. I went through photos to find evidence but was unsuccessful. I then went through and untagged myself from any photos of us near each other. There weren’t any couple shots of us, just random outings with casual photos.
After that, I looked at a comment he’d written on a group event for Sunday May 13th. It was our regular boardgames event at a friend’s place. Karate Kid had RSVP’d as ‘maybe’ and put a comment to say that he had Mother’s day plans……he didn’t RSVP for me. It also meant that he didn’t plan to spend the afternoon reuniting with me when I returned as he might be going to boardgames. Offended, I decided to send him an indirect message. I wrote to everyone and said that I’d be flying in from China that day. I said that if I had enough energy that I’d consider joining them.
The question still stands whether or not I should text him. I have no idea what to say. I could be spiteful and say that we arrived safely (five days after the fact) or I could simply send him a picture of The Great Wall without me in it. This morning, I’m feeling more inclined to interrogate him about who he has been seeing.
I didn’t mention in the last entry that I’d said to Karate Kid twice that I’d miss him whilst I was away. He never said this in return to me. The only thing he said was that he was jealous that I got to go away. Envy is nonspecific, you could love or hate someone and still feel envy. Missing someone is completely different. It means that you have an emotional attachment to that person.
Let me share with you some good things from the past month since moving in together (for the record this is really hard to write because I’m hurting a lot inside right now and would rather focus on the negative).
The Mother’s day plans that Karate Kid mentioned were something that I had been invited to. I was flying in too late in the day to attend. This was kind of him to include me in an intimate event.
The other weekend Karate Kid wanted to go out dancing. I had planned to visit my family as they’d recently returned from vacation and he wouldn’t see them for a while. I didn’t force him to come and was happy for him to go South to dance instead. Karate Kid changed his mind though and suggested that we visit my family that weekend.
When we did visit my family we took my little brother to the movies. This was a gesture of kindness as we had already seen Infinity War the night before. For those who haven’t seen it, it is a very long movie. Karate Kid didn’t complain as he knew that it meant a lot to my little brother to see it.
We visited the markets that same weekend on our way to meet my other brother and his family. I found a toy for my nephew and Karate Kid offered to pay. He wanted to demonstrate his respect, I assume.
Two days before I flew out to China, Karate Kid took me on a proper date for the first time in a long time. This may only because we’d had that argument about him taking photos with other glamorous women and advertising them on his profile (whilst the few photos of me or us together remain hidden). Anyway, he took me somewhere nice to eat and then to play mini golf. We would have gone dancing after but my feet hurt from the heels that I was wearing. He did do one cute thing on that night, he carried me in his arms for about 20 meters as I was slow and in pain walking back to the car. He also took a few nice photos of us that night, but hasn’t uploaded them.
I also want to point out a more negative experience. We were meant to go to see Infinity War the day it came out but we missed out. We missed out because Karate Kid didn’t prebook tickets and because he refused to go to the group event organised by Shy Guy (they are still arguing). I was also disappointed that evening, but I knew that we would eventually see it. Karate Kid didn’t take it so well….but I didn’t know that this was the reason he shut down for over a day.
The evening we were meant to see Infinity War we did something else instead. His mood suddenly changed and he stopped talking and looked distant and irritated. I thought he was worried about something else so tried to consol him about that. It didn’t work and that evening he wouldn’t let me touch him. He’d push my hand away and move his face away. It hurt so much and I had no idea why he was being so cold. He stayed out in the lounge room for hours that night whilst I slept. I wondered who he’d rather talk to over the internet than be with me.
The next morning he was cold too. That night he tried to connect more but I was too hurt. My eyes watered and I expressed how hurtful it was that he didn’t want to touch me anymore, look at me anymore or have me touch him. I pushed him away as he tried to hug me. I thought he must be cheating on me as men’s behaviour changes when they do. He then opened up and said that he was uoset missing the opening of the movie and being in photos on Facey showing off that he had been. He was jealous of Shy Guy’s photos from the night. I thought to myself that he needed to grow up and think about more important things in life.
This is what I started typing just over a week ago for the start of an entry. My writing wa interrupted by Karate Kid coming home. It was also interrupted by him posting the photo of him and the bikini clad model on his profile that I mentioned in the last entry:
Dear Diary
I am really sorry about not being able to write to you as often as I used to.
Karate Kid and I are still living together and I’m learning more about him with each day that passes. There are lots of positive indicators that things will work out…and then there are other things that give me doubts.
I’m happy to report that things have improved since my last entry (entry 198). I decided to take the higher path and adult-speak with Karate Kid.
On reflection, the money issue was the biggest stress for me. When he came home after my last entry I was cold and distant towards him but tried to keep open. He had a shower and I prepared dinner for him as he was hungry after his class. When it was time for bed I told him that I was stressed about money and asked if he had forgotten about transferring something to help me with the rent burden. He said that he had completely forgotten and that he’d do it the next day. This made me feel better straight away. I also told him that I felt bad having to ask. It’s never nice chasing people for money.
The good news is that Karate Kid did transfer me the money the next day. He actually transferred me four weeks worth or partial rent, rather than the two weeks that I was expecting. I checked with him that he was going to be okay financially as it was a large sum to pay at once considering he was still helping his mother out with her bills. He told me that everything was in order and not to worry.
In terms of the towel on the floor business, well, I left that towel on the floor and he came home wanting a shower and had to pick it up himself. Looking back now, I have a feeling that it may have just slipped onto the floor…but to happen twice in a row is a weird coincidence. For now, things are well as it hasn’t happened since. My plan is to leave it on the floor if it happens again (but I have a feeling that he is being more careful).
I’ve done a bit of reflection since the last entry. Diary, I realise that it may sound old fashioned or outdated, but I do like caring for Karate Kid. Karate Kid likes being cared for also. Some feminists may frown upon how our relationship functions but I genuinely do enjoy doting on him.
Have you ever heard of the Five Languages of Love book by Gary Chapman? It’s definitely worth a read if you are in a relationship. I read it a few years ago when I was dating Bear. Observing Karate Kid’s and mine relationship through a looking glass, I have discovered that physical touch is really important to him. It’s funny in a way that it’s one of his main languages of love as it doesn’t come naturally to him for cultural reasons. It is nice to see him enjoy the simple affection and how he is becoming more and more comfortable with it. I must admit that he does give a wonderful hug. I do my best to hug him and kiss him as often as I can because I know it’s an important expression of love for him.
Acts of service is another of his languages of love. Thankfully, this is a very strong one for me also. At the start, I thought he was just lazy, but now I can see that he enjoys it when I dote on him. I do this naturally so it’s not a big deal (it’s only a big deal if I’m being taken advantage of). Now understanding how important this is for him has changed how I approach the tasks as well. It’s rewarding because it’s a mutual way of how we both communicate love to one another.
You may be thinking to yourself: how does Karate Kid contribute to the relationship? well, it’s not just one particular thing. He looks after me in that if I need help he offers it. He generally helps do the washing up after I’ve cooked. He sometimes offers to pay for some things when we go grocery shopping (our loose rule is that he pays for things when we go out i.e. food and entertainment, and I pay for food that is prepared at home – it generally balances out). He is cariñoso (Spanish word for affectionate) which is really important to me. He listens to me when I am stressed or upset. He gives sound advice when I need it and is good to talk with about any topic of conversation.
Another important thing that he doess well, he actively involves me with his family now.
This is where it stops and I just couldn’t continue writing as I stopped feeling positive and happy about things. I started having dreams of him wanting to be with other women and there were other hiccups.
Since he paid rent a few weeks ago, he hasn’t transferred any money since. I decided that I’d wait until returning from China to ask him to set up direct payments so that I didn’t have to chase him for it. It irritated me that he will spend money on signing up to a dance congress, to get an expensive Infinity Gauntlet and to go to martial arts classes twice a week..but not have the decency to contribute to the rent. I do all the washing, cleaning and pay for groceries.
I’ll check Facey again before my tour starts this morning. I’ll also give you any updates when I nect connect to the internet.
Anastasia xo
IMAGE: [JANA GUOTHOVA]
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The Contemporary Princess 