Separation Makes The Heart Wander – Entry 199

Dear Diary

I’m writing to you from China. The family trip came up quickly. My parents, younger brother and I are on a train from Beijing to Xian (home of the teracotta soldiers). We have been here for three days. The first day was the hardest for me because I really missed Karate Kid. Each day becomes easier and I think of him less.

The airport goodbye was difficult in a way. Karate Kid drove me there and then waited with me and my family until we boarded. It reminded me of this time last year, when The Spaniard kindly dropped my Father and I to the airport. He had helped us with our bags and sat with us for coffee until boarding. The three major differences between this year and last, were that;

1) I was leaving The Spaniard and Spain indefinitely. This time, I was only leaving Karate Kid for a week.

2) The Spaniard waited diligently until the absolute last moment that my Father and I disappeared from view through the security gate, he would have gone further with us if he could. This time, Karate Kid was able to pass security, but only waited until we were partway down boarding ramp before he left. I turned around to wave him goodbye for a fifth time, but he had gone…

3) The final difference was that I knew that The Spaniard would miss me and contact me whilst I was still in the air so that there’d be a message waiting for me when I reached home. Karate Kid on the other hand, well, I had been apprehensive for the week leading up to my departure worrying about if he’d enjoy my absence. I didn’t know if he’d be capable of missing me.

I was disappointed when I turned on my phone at the Beijing airport not to find a message from Karate Kid waiting for me. I wondered if my roaming wasn’t functioning well. A message soon came from another friend wishing me a good trip….I considered sending a message to Karate Kid to let him know that I’d made it safely to China. There isn’t much romance in that though. I thought it best to be patient and wait until the morning when a text would surely come through from him.

It’s been 80 hours since I last saw Karate Kid. No contact from him at all. My mind was festering for the first day with reasons why he hadn’t bothered to seek contact with me. I knew very well that I could send him a text at any time, but how would I know if he actually wanted to talk to me or not if I initiated the conversation?

I knew that there were two big Latin dance parties on that weekend and perhaps he was having too much fun flirting with other women to even remember I existed. I felt squeemish at the thought of him bringing one home to our bed….would he do that to me? Was he capable? Why didn’t he want to talk to me? It’s been so long since we parted and I would have hoped that I meant enough to him to be asked if I’d arrived safely. Now this was a true test – whether he’d bother to contact me at all during my trip.

I tried to log onto Facey. I had heard that it was blocked in China. Using the hotel’s WiFi didn’t work, but using my roaming internet did. On day two, I logged on and looked at Karate Kid’s profile. There was a picture of him having jelly shots with three girls at one of the dance parties. His head was resting against that of a pretty blonde’s. I’ve never liked her, too flirty and loose for my liking. I know that he’ll argue it as an innocent photo…and I want to believe it…but there are no couple shots of us on his profile. Still no couple photos of us.

We had an argument the other week about it. It was the day that we got the internet connected in our unit. He sat next to me and uploaded a backlog of pictures from his phone. What started me freezing him out was that the first photo he chose to upload was one of him and The Model from the samba parade the other month. What’s wrong with that you ask? Let me tell you….

At the parade, Karate Kid practically pushed people out of the way to get a photo next to the scantily dressed model in her Brazilian bikini and feathers. His smile was ear to ear with happiness….. He never smiles like that in photos with me.

So that seems pretty normal for a man to want to take a photo with a Beauty, right? Well it may be tolerated if he had uploaded photos of us together on his profile. He couldn’t because he doesn’t take photos of us together. You may also remember me mentioning The Model before and his obvious attraction to her. What hurt the most was that we’d been out to a nice bar the previous week. For the first time in a long time he’d taken me somewhere that I could dress up. I looked really nice that evening….but not nice enough for him to want to take a photo.

In my hotel room, I combed through the other photos in the album from the dance party that he’d been tagged in. There weren’t any more incriminating photos of him. I then looked at his general photos….I couldn’t see the one of him with The Model….what a jerk, he’d blocked what I could see with his privacy settings. I felt distressed that he may have taken someone home that night to our bed. Maybe he’d had a passionate dance with Plain Jane Peasant Maiden and she’d taken the opportunity to seduce him whilst I’m far away. I’m sure he’d be more appealing to her now that he was unavailable and ‘trained‘.

The night before I’d flew to China, we had gone to a friend’s art exhibition opening night. Plain Jane Peasant Maiden was there. My heart sank when she walked in the room. She and Karate Kid didn’t greet each other or talk for the duration. It made me wonder if they were still actively maintaining a friendship. Maybe they talk online a lot. It’s strange for them not to even acknowledge each other in public whilst in my presence. There must be another dialogue because no one is that rude.

Plain Jane Peasant Maiden had come up in conversation the week prior. Karate Kid finally booked his tickets to the same dance congress of June last year….the one where I wrote the Rhetorical Questions entry which still makes me shudder to this day. I refused to go to the congress again as I’d had such a horrible time last year. Karate Kid knew this and I could see his guilt when he told me that he was going. My mood changed instantly. Eventually, I divulged my insecurity of him chasing Plain Jane Peasant Maiden and sharing the same accommodation as her.

Karate Kid had clearly prepared for this situation as he offered to stay in separate accommodation to her….I said it didn’t matter as everyone mixed together anyway. He then said that I could come down to go out with him somewhere nice for dinner on one of the nights. I told him that I wasn’t prepared to drive myself an hour there to eat dinner with him and then drive an hour back whilst he has fun dancing with other women at the party after. He then said that we could stay in accommodation together for the duration of the weekend. I told him I refused to be like a lost puppy sitting around whilst he has fun at dance workshops and parties. I told him that I’d find my own things to do in our home city. I hoped that he’d get the point that I’d find my own party and attractive men to dance with.

Things haven’t been all negative with Karate Kid. I’ll tell you more in the next entry. He has included me in some of his family things and we do generally get along. Sometimes he does thoughtful things, such as, at the airport he went to buy me a storage chip to go in my phone so that I could take more photos on the trip.

One thought that has been haunting me is the question whether or not he’d treat another woman with more love than me? Would he tell The Model that he loved her if they were in a relationship and living together? He’s never said thise words to me. Would he take Plain Jane Peasant Maiden on more dates to nice places? Would he take more photos and upload couple shots with any other woman that wasn’t me?

I think he needs to read The Five Languages of Love book. Maybe he is communicating that he cares in his own way? But I can’t figure out what it is because there’s nothing special that he does for me that he doesn’t do for anyone of his friends or family…


Let’s take a small breather. I did hear from The Spaniard last week. I held my breath when I saw the message come through. It took me a day before I could open it. Was he finally coming to visit?

What I found when I opened the message was a simple meme:


I googled into the Day of Saint Jordi.  It’s apparently more romantic than Valentine’s Day in Barcelona. Admirers and lovers exchange books and roses on that day. I thought that this was sweet. I sent him a short message back wishing him a happy Day of Saint Jordi as well.

I don’t think we will ever see each other again. I hoe that he finds a nice lady to love one day soon. Maybe he has already?




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