Dear Diary
This morning I replied to Karate Kid. I wanted to make it clear that I wasn’t willing to have my heart broken again face-to-face. A text message would suffice. I replied with: “Hmmm in all honesty, texting is probably going to be easier for me this time”
He replied with “What are you doing today?” then “I want to see you and hold you in my arms”.
This reply perplexed me even further as I had clearly stipulated that texting was my preferred means of communication. I wasn’t sure what was best to do next so sent an ambiguous, but honest, reply: “It’s too rainy for walking. I was planning to do chores and read until later tonight when I go out for dinner”.
I didn’t even know what my message meant – was I agreeing for him to come over? or was I indicating that he shouldn’t as I was busy with housework? After three hours of waiting for his reply I decided that I’d had enough. He was clearly playing games and avoiding talking with me – that was my answer that I’d been searching for, clear as crystal.
I told myself that this was the final trigger to activate Operation Armageddon (steps clearly outlined in the last entry). I needed time to think about it as once activated there was no turning back. I hung out my washing to dry whilst I pondered on it further. I decided that yes, the time had indeed arrived to activate Operation Armageddon.
I went to my phone and scripted the last ever message that I would send to Karate Kid:
“I don’t want to talk with you face to face because it’s cruel to do that to me again. I have figured out the answer myself anyway. I’m not a toy, KK.
Please respect my decision this time. I need my space to recover. I am planning on starting classes with XX as Dance Teacher has stopped his. I’d prefer it if you weren’t there as it’d make it uncomfortable for me. Also, please delete all the private photos that you have taken of us. Let’s forget that anything ever happened.
In Spanish, they say no me busques mas – please don’t come looking for me.”
I said a prayer before sending it. Then, after it was sent I panicked with what to do next so turned off my phone in case he tried to contact me. He knew that I’d be home all day and was going out at night. Silly, silly girl Anastasia, why did I tell him what my plans were? Too late now.
I tried to focus myself. I’d executed steps 1 and 2 of Operation Armageddon. There were five more steps to complete. I thought about how I’d word my message to Dance Teacher to bow out of the dance congress organising committee. I decided that I’d say it was for personal reasons and that he wouldn’t see me around for a while.
I needed to turn on my phone again to send a message to a friend. I have no idea if Karate Kid tried to call as it doesn’t register if there’s an attempted call if I’m on the phone or when it’s turned off. There was a message from him that was sent five minutes after my Armageddon message.
He wrote: “Hey wabbit. Sorry was busy. I was going to say let’s go exploring 🙂 I’ll come up later to give you a hug, get lunch and enjoy the cold weather together. 🙂 “
What is wrong with this man??? I literally used two different languages to tell him it was over and he replies with that? How much clearer do I need to be? I turned off my phone as I didn’t want him to try to call me. I decided that I’d need to disappear for the day as he’d likely come to find me (even though I’d said not to).
I was rather annoyed at myself that I wasn’t more prepared with a backup escape plan. My car was parked on the street so it was clear that I was home. I couldn’t bunker down for the day. What delayed my great escape was that I needed to charge my phone before I could leave the house (Ironic, I know, even though it would be turned off you never know if you may find yourself in an emergency situation and need to use it). I also needed to do my hair and make up for dinner that night with my work friend, her partner and his friend. I also needed to inform my housemate of what was happening in case she was tempted to let him enter if he came to the door – She said that she was going out for the day but would be careful when she came home later in the night. I also needed to pack a bag with everything that I’d use in the next 10 hours – I couldn’t afford to be caught coming back to my house to get ready before the dinner.
I had almost finished packing my bag and was choosing earrings to wear when I heard a firm knock on the door. I knew exactly who it was….what do I do? he knew I was home as my car was parked out the front.
I walked slowly towards the door debating with myself if I should pretend that I wasn’t home. This was not how Operation Armageddon was meant to unfold. I slowly turned the handle and then opened the door a crack. Karate Kid looked very serious and told me to open the door. I went to get the key. I let him in and kept my head down and held onto the wooden door. He came to hug me and I went limp. He tried to look me in the eyes and I looked down. He tried to kiss me and I moved my head away. He hugged me again in a long embrace and then walked with me to my room.
He sat on my bed and asked me to come over and sit with him. I sat with my back to him and could hardly talk. He commented on the big bag that I had sitting on the floor….I wondered if he realised what it was for. He asked me what I did the night before and I gave one word answers to his questions. Eventually, he coaxed me into facing him. He was relentless, but also gentle, at encouraging me to smile by being silly. He told me that he’d stay with me until I needed to get ready for dinner.
Not a lot was said in the first hour or so as I found it hard to talk with him. What was discussed in little depth was that I was feeling that he was delaying making a decision about us as he didn’t know what he wanted still. He told me that he thought that we were dating and that I was his little wabbit. He said that he didn’t have a problem with people knowing that we were seeing each other but didn’t want to advertise it to the world i.e. on social media. I was in agreeance as my family had no idea that we were seeing each other and I wasn’t ready to tell them that I was seeing someone.
I asked him why he had avoided talking about our situation despite me requesting it via text two weeks ago. He said that he didn’t because I hadn’t brought it up….not impressed with this response, mind you. The conversation trailed onto how he’d seen his Doctor last week to get a referral so that he could get a sleep apnoea machine. He also discussed with his Doctor managing his blood pressure better so that his medication wouldn’t negatively impact his performance in the bedroom. He said that he doesn’t want to have sex until that’s tended to, but also that he doesn’t like using a condom and knows that I don’t take contraception. We discussed getting screened for sexually transmitted infections. I didn’t agree to taking contraception but will consider it.
I discovered that he is planning to get a passport. I got excited that this may mean that we could one day go on a holiday together. I didn’t broach the topic as I felt there were other more important things to discuss. I did probe about his future desires and he said that one day he would like to get married and have children. He described his goal as being ‘a fighter, a dancer and a lover’. Fighter in that he wants to defend and protect the ones that he loves and those who are weak.
So Diary, I guess the status that we are at currently is ‘dating’. I don’t think we are quite officially at ‘girlfriend and boyfriend’ status yet but at least it is trending in the right direction.
I will still go to dinner tonight with my work friend, her partner and the guy who has just moved to town. I’m going because it is too short of notice to cancel.
I must admit, Diary. I am feeling a little embarrassed about sending the Armageddon message as I wasn’t expecting things to unfold this way – I don’t think that you were either 😉
Anastasia
The Contemporary Princess 