The Broken Moral Compass – Entry 122

Dear Diary

I’ve been asking myself lately: Am I a bad person? When you’re standing on the other side of the fence things aren’t so black and white.

Yesterday at work, I heard someone singing a song. It commanded my full attention. My heart skipped a beat and I sat silent and still, enjoying every word as memories flooded back.  It was the song that The Spaniard first gave to me in Spain. It was the song that played the evening he took my friend and I to the salsa club (The trail of breadcrumbs –  22nd May 2017). It had been my new favourite song. I hadn’t heard it for maybe a month since I lost my iPod. I thought about The Spaniard for a moment and then slapped myself back into reality – he hadn’t contacted me in just over two weeks, I was practically dead to him. I still wasn’t sure what to do about my holiday to Spain coming up…I needed more time to ponder what was best for me.


This morning I connected my phone to the internet and was taken aback when I saw a message pop up from The Spaniard. It was a simple message: “Gooooorgeous!….How did your weekend go?” – Wow, he hadn’t forgotten about me after all. I waited a few hours before replying that it was good and asked how he was. I then went to work.

At work I met a client with a similar surname to that of The Spaniard’s – it reminded me of him. I found myself having random flashbacks to our time in Seville again at one point in the morning. Later in the day, Ex-interest, Mr Dashing (Ex-interest, as let’s face it, he’s obviously not interested in me) appeared at work again having just returned from a trip to Barcelona…..are these all signs? I then thought of Karate Kid and wondered what was the right thing to do (more on him to come soon).

When I finished work I checked my phone and there were messages from The Spaniard, Karate Kid and The Musician. The Musician wished me a good week (maybe a sign he’s throwing in the towel because I don’t engage in text-o-thons?). Karate Kid, I’ll come too soon. The Spaniard, well, he told me that he’d just been on holidays with his son….he did actually tell me in Spain that he had leave booked in September that was dedicated to his son…that explains the silence. They’d been to an adventure park and had an amazing time. He then asked ‘how’s the family‘ and ‘and you princess?‘.

All I can think is that he is such an amazing Father to his Son. He is also such a caring and loving man. I remember him dropping me at the airport and our sad goodbye. I remember him walking the streets of Seville with my Father and I in search of gelati. So many memories. It brings tears to my eyes. This man is so sweet – am I hurting him by going back to Spain? Should I go? I want to go. But is it right when I’m seeing Karate Kid more seriously now? Who am I? ….I don’t know if I know myself anymore.

Karate Kid update time. On Sunday evening he sent a message: “I recall you like scary things right???”. I didn’t like the sound of his message “Haha not really because they are scary”.

The next morning he sends through a reply: “Cool lets watch IT on Thursday….clowns are not scary right…”

No way in the world I was going to see that! It was only last week that I was praising him for curing my insomnia! why on Earth would I go to see a horror movie to give me nightmares for the next month? Also, I was disappointed that he didn’t want to see me earlier in the week on Tuesday as that’s when he usually visits. I had a feeling that he must be rehearsing for the flash mob with someone else (I told him last week to find a different partner as I couldn’t commit).

I replied “No! Too scary”

Cheekily he replied “You can bring a blanket to hide under….”

My response “Hhmmm, no thanks. Not coming!”

His rebuttal “It’s like the ghost tour you went on….”

Well, no actually, it’s nothing like it at all “You’ll have to find someone else haha”

A minute later he replies “There’s always Annabelle..the doll movie to warm you up to IT….”

I googled the trailer….creepy stuff! “Hhmm I think I’d be hiding my face for most of the movie haha”

He tried a different angle “Imagine how brave you will feel after such an accomplishment…that feeling that you get for going outside your comfort zone…”

Not buying it “Hmmmm I can see how you’re trying to sell it. Not 100% convinced haha”

One last attempt “Lol…Imagine all the other cool places you can go once you have conquered this fear….”.

What sort of persuasive tactic was that? a bit dramatic much? I wanted to see if he could substantiate his claims “Lol such as?”

Out of nowhere he replies “I guess I’m picking you up on Thursday….”

I haven’t replied yet….I guess he is. But I’m not going voluntarily into the cinemas if it’s either of those movies!

So Dear Diary, you can see the pickle I’m in. Things are finally going well with Karate Kid and he seems to be genuinely trying. The Spaniard on the other hand…well, there’s just that allure and lingering connection. My life would be completely different with either of them. I feel that I’d be happy with both, but in different ways. Karate Kid is your quirky average Jo who would be a dedicated and steady partner. The Spaniard, well, that’s more of a mystery. All I know is that there’s something there that’s uncomfortably frightening but also potentially amazing. I need more time to think about the predicament – is it okay to still go to Spain and see how it feels and just to not tell Karate Kid about who I met with whilst I was there? What if Karate Kid insists on putting photos of us up on Facey for the world to see? Would that change things between The Spaniard and I? Would he be okay with just being friends?

I feel it’s an appropriate time to introduce Mr Polar Bear (because he looks like a polar bear). He was my housemate at the rental house who has been helping me with getting my bond back. He’s the one that went with me to serve the summons a few months back. For the whole time that I’ve known him he’s been in a relationship. Last month they went on an overseas holiday for a month and came back single….apparently, they want different things. Mr Polar Bear has wanted to catch up since and I’ve been keeping distance as I’m cautious that he may be looking for a rebound. After two weeks of me being unavailable, he has suggested that we catch up on Wednesday (tomorrow) but hasn’t followed through with organising anything….I’m keeping quiet for now in case he has forgotten. Hopefully, if enough water passes under the bridge he’ll either get back together with his ex (as I thought they were a great match) or he may find someone else.

I haven’t come across the deceptive wing man at work in the past couple of days (= good thing). I haven’t been invited to trivia either (also = good thing).


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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