The Dominoes Effect – Entry 107

Dear Diary

Could it be that this whole time I’ve thought that the front-running Potentials were viable options but in reality they have never been?

Take for instance, Karate Kid. For many months I was under the illusion that he was a safe fallback option. I was convinced that he’d jump at the chance of being in a relationship with me despite the disparity between us. It’s hard to come to terms with him not wanting anything serious with me….like, really hard. To not sound too conceited, even one of my friends that knows him has said that she is ‘fascinated’ by how I can even be attracted to him. Maybe it’s one of life’s mysteries that we’ll never truly unravel.

On the other hand, there’s The Spaniard. Who knows what’s going on in his mind. I really thought he’d reply immediately to me when he found out I had booked my tickets to Spain. One of my other good friends has put things into perspective for me. He’s older, has responsibilities such as a child, and he only knew me for a short space of time in Spain which was only two months ago. A delay in reply to a text is acceptable in her mind. When she spells it out like that it does sound seemingly reasonable, I guess.

Now for the major update – The Secret Admirer! So, yesterday at work, the colleague who is behaving as the messenger came to suss out if I was interested in knowing who it was. I said it was hard for me to say anything as I didn’t know who it was (I didn’t want to sound too interested in case I am not attracted to them). She disclosed their age to me….17 years my senior…apparently, they were unsure if I’d be comfortable with this. Well, I don’t know. If it was one of my top two suspects I would make an allowances, anyone else….well…I’d need to make the decision on a case by case basis. Our conversation was interrupted and she scurried away. Who could it be? I didn’t think the top two suspects could be that old, but maybe they are just well preserved for their ages…

Today, the colleague came to find me. She called my phone first to make sure that I was free to talk. She certainly meant business today. She came to find me and pulled me to the side. She was ready to tell me who. I braced myself and she said their name. Being relatively new still in the department I wasn’t sure if maybe I’d just misheard the top two suspects names’ incorrectly. Then it dawned on me, it was neither of them, but another colleague who I was definitely not attracted to! He really did look like he was 17 years older plus a bit more. I tried not to look too shocked or disappointed in front of her. I think she could see though. I said that 17 years was a big age gap. She smiled and said that we could start out as just being friends. After she left I reflected on the times when I was nice to him at work in a collegial way – instant regret! I thought it was safe to be nice to him because he looked so much older. When will men understand that being nice doesn’t translate to ‘she’s interested in you’?

Now what? I’ve got another six months working in the same department with this man. How to navigate this situation? He did walk past later in the day and make eye contact with me. A look really can say a thousand words – He knows that I know, and I know that he knows that I know, and he knows that I know that I know that he knows…..see the dilemma? Hopefully, from that second of eye contact he also picked up the panicked internal cries of ‘don’t approach me! I don’t want to have to be mean and reject you‘.

Tell me one thing Diary – why is it that the secret admirers are never the ones that you’re interested in?

Moving on, so, now that the dominoes have started to tumble, who is left standing?

Old faithful, The Musician, has been in contact to postpone our catch up until he recovers from being unwell. I still can’t tell if he’s more of a friend or a Potential.

Mr Nice Guy (the shy one from dance) has sent through a message on Facey that I’m not going to read until tomorrow. All I can see from the small sample of message before having to click on it to read the whole thing is that he’s asked for my number as he’s ‘got a new phone and has lost numbers’…..I wonder if he realises that he never had my number to begin with? Is it appropriate for me to mention that in my reply? haha

An issue with Mr Nice Guy is that he is good friends with Karate Kid. He is certainly much nicer than Karate Kid. I can sense there could be conflict of some degree if I don’t navigate this cautiously. There is also a high probability of things blowing up in my face and having my eye brows singed (never a good look).

Other old faithful, Mr Obsessed (with my now-married friend) still has been sending whiny messages. I think he’s lonely.

I’ve logged back into the online dating account that I abandoned two months ago. I’ve still got three-ish months left of valid membership. There were a few messages waiting for me. Not really feeling like it but forcing myself to get back onto the horse I have responded to a select few. I might log in next week to see what they reply. I do know better Diary, the best way to move on is to get back out there. I just don’t feel ready to trawl through dating website messages again and to go on superficial first dates.

One of the dominoes is stubborn – Karate Kid. I’m stuck between a metaphorical rock and hard place which I created. There’s a friend’s surprise birthday that I’m organising for next week. We will be playing zorb soccer (where you run around inside inflatable balls). About two months ago I invited Karate Kid to make up numbers as he kind of knows this friend. So far, not enough people have RSVP’d for me to be able to uninvite Karate Kid.

He’s really the only one that appears enthusiastic about it and had previously asked if he could invite other people along who would be really interested in joining….as the date gets closer and I’m getting more desperate I’m tempted to consider that offer – but I’m too proud. If the party was for me I’d reschedule, but it’s for my friend and I really want them to have a great day and feel special on their birthday. In a last ditch effort I’ve invited many other friends who’d likely get along with the birthday friend. Fingers crossed that this tactic works! otherwise I may need to look into organising a different activity which isn’t dependent on numbers.

I was surprised today when I set up a poll on the invitation page to get more of an idea on numbers for zorb and the dinner. Karate Kid was the first to RSVP to both…..What’s he playing at? So far, only one other person has responded to the poll….I’m determined to make this birthday surprise work all the same!


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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