To Delicately Cut The Final Tethers – Entry 106

Dear Diary

After my last entry I felt I needed to respond to Karate Kid’s message. Now that I was at a safe distance geographically, I wanted to turn and face the situation. There was an unsettling feeling inside that things were still left unfinished by me ignoring his text and call.

The right words found their way to me: “Please leave me in peace”. I then turned over and went to sleep.

The next morning there was a message waiting for me. He had sent it almost immediately after mine: “Sorry, I was trying to keep you informed of the group activities. I did enjoy spending time with you and was thinking one day at a time to get to know you better. I will no longer contact you or ask you for a dance.”

So dramatic! I was still not happy with this tension between us. I wanted to pacify the situation further for my own well being. I also was acutely aware that I needed to select my words carefully so not to give him hope, nor to upset him further. I send a reply: “I was serious when I said I needed a week or two to get over things. I need my space right now. Hope you understand.”

Fifteen minutes later he replies: “I want to cuddle you,kiss you, spend time to get to know you. Yes, I wanted to take you to an arcade and novelty horror shop on Sunday night…I wanted to hear you scream…”

This response actually took me a little while to accept what he was saying. Was it that he really did have feelings for me but just didn’t know how to communicate them to me? or, was he just testing the waters to see if he could lure me back in to his game? His words did feel sincere and this made things even harder for me. Was I making the right decision?

It took me fifteen hours to reply to the message which took him fifteen minutes to send. I couldn’t sell my soul to the devil for simple words. The essence of his message was that he wanted me – but – that he didn’t want to commit to anything formal with me. I couldn’t accept this pathetic offer. I had generously gifted him with seven months to step up and he failed to do this.

Carefully, I constructed my response. It needed to send the message that I was not weak nor vulnerable, that I stood firmly to my words and that, importantly, there was no judgement towards him. It also needed to have no scent of self deprecation nor hold the promise of a potential further chance…”I don’t know what to say KK. My head isn’t in the right space to be thinking about this”. 

This morning when I woke up there was no reply. The energetic tension that I had felt between us seemed to have dissipated overnight. Peace at last, but also a slight anxiety that he may pull something unexpected at some point – good or bad, I couldn’t tell you –  yet.

Let’s take a breather and I’ll share with you other updates. I finally sent a message to The Spaniard letting him know that I’d reserved my flights (I didn’t want to say booked as I felt I needed an ‘out’ if things didn’t seem to go so well). In terms of timing, I wasn’t sure if it was the best time to expose myself voluntarily to potential rejection, but settled with the rationalisation that slightly more additional pain now would mean no delayed pain to deal with later.

There was no reply for a day…I can take a hint as well as I can give one. At that point I started to think how would be best to spend the two weeks of holidays booked for November – should I boycott Spain and go to Argentina to learn Tango? There was still plenty of time to consider my options.

Just over a day later he replies with little pictures of streamers and trumpets “tell me when you are coming” . Relieved at this delayed response I wait a bit before telling him that I’d arrive on Saturday 25th November and depart on Monday 11th December. He replies soon after with: “That’s stupendous Gorgeousness!!!” 

I’ll admit that despite this heartwarming reply, I have reservations about it’s tardiness. I’ll keep checking in with how I feel about things as November approaches. I’ll give myself permission to pull out of this informal commitment at any time I feel appropriate…

Still no news regarding The Secret Admirer at work. I haven’t seen the two main suspects in the past week which doesn’t help with narrowing it down. The thought has crossed my mind to ask the lady who’d approached me. It could be that they were deterred if they witnessed my negative reaction to the news? or they were put off when they found out my age…Hhhmmm not so sure.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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