Is Hypnotism the Answer? – Entry 100

Dear Diary

I was hoping that I would have some exciting news for the 100th entry, maybe a miracle. Alas, still frustratingly in square one again.

Friday at work was not as painful as I was expecting. There was no mention of The Secret Admirer and it was as if it’d been forgotten (I guess my threats of ‘this does not go to the tea room!’ actually worked). I must admit that I was disappointed that there were no flowers or chocolates waiting for me – what type of secret admirer is this? anyway, it’s probably for the best. I’ve narrowed it down to two people, neither of which I saw on Friday. I could be completely wrong which my guesses. I’ll certainly let you know if anything happens or if they unveil them self.

The Spaniard has only sent a couple of silly messages over the weekend. One was a picture of Golum from Lord of the Rings saying that he was having a bad photo day and the other of a cartoon giraffe saying hello. I think whatever came over him last week has subsided now. I’ve decided that it’s best not to expect too much from him as I’m not sure where he stands. It’s really hard to know what is best to do. If we were in the same Country I am sure he’d be making the effort to see me. Reality is that we are not in the same Country. Is it time to let it go?

Things went from going well with Karate Kid to not going well in a space of a minute. Next weekend is an International Dance Congress that a lot of dancers are going to. I’d pre-booked my accommodation a year ago as I didn’t know anyone well enough then to suggest sharing. Karate Kid had known about this for a few months, but didn’t invite me to stay in the accommodation he was organising for a large group. Despite being able to cancel without financial penalty until last week I was okay with flying solo as I was too proud to invite myself. Tonight I got upset though.

Karate Kid came up to me at a dance party and said that he’d invited me to a group page on Facey so I knew what the group was doing. He then went on to say that they’d be all eating together and doing group activities blah, blah, blah and that I’d be in the other accommodation and not involved. I knew he was trying to joke with me, but it really hurt. To add further insult, one of our mutual friends joined the conversation and thanked him for allowing a different friend to join the accommodation as it saved her a lot of money. I can’t tell you exactly why I was offended – maybe because I was an afterthought? I physically pushed him away and told him to go and dance. I ended up leaving the party relatively early. Karate Kid tried to get me to wait a little longer so that he could walk me to my car but I left anyway. This time he didn’t chase after me. When I got home there was no invite to the group he’d mentioned (I was planning to remove myself from it). Had he even bothered to invite me? or had he retracted the invitation? Trying so hard to control the storm of emotions inside me I let slip a spiteful text Hey, for the congress don’t worry about me. I can look after myself. I hope you guys have fun.’ …..yep, maybe I shouldn’t have sent that, but I really wanted to convince myself that I don’t care.

Earlier today Karate Kid had asked me what I was cooking for him this Tuesday evening for our unofficial catch up night. I said I’d make us creamy meatballs. Now, well, I have no idea if I even want to make dinner. Neither do I know if he’s actually going to come or not as he hasn’t replied to my spiteful message (can’t imagine why…haha). Maybe I should send one tomorrow saying that I don’t feel too well and that we should take a rain check on Tuesday? I mean, it’d make me feel better getting in first and rejecting him…yes, I realise that I have got a lot of maturing to do.

I think what made me more upset this evening was that Tardy Teacher was there and he ended up casually leaving the party with another lady who I know is very interested in him. Could it be that they are seeing each other? I think so. They do talk a lot at parties. It kind of makes sense why he claimed amnesia rather than owning up to his actions from the other week.

The Musician also never got back in contact about plans for this weekend. Perhaps, he may be still recovering from the buck’s party last weekend?

Diary, do you ever get those moments when you just want to run away from your situation? For me, it’d be for the satisfaction of demonstrating that I don’t need any of them to be happy. To who I’d actually be demonstrating it to is the big question as they aren’t as emotionally invested as I am by the looks of it, so I guess I’m just proving the point to myself. I still wish that I could drop everything right now. If only I had somewhere to go I might actually do it. I just want a breath of fresh air from these men and from the pressure I put on myself to find a partner.

Let’s be honest, Diary, am I wasting my energy with each and every single one of these men? Maybe hypnosis is a good option? Is it possible to hypnotize myself into not caring about being in a relationship? It sure beats a lobotomy. Plan A, the magic pill to make me not care, hasn’t been invented yet either and waiting 50 years until it does just doesn’t seem to be a viable option for me at the moment. I’m also too proud to seek professional psychiatric help at this stage. Hmmm this might actually be the solution that I’ve been waiting for. I wonder how expensive hypnosis would be….


Image: [Jana Gouthova] ©

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