Dear Diary

The weekend just past was spent living in the moment. I’d forgotten how refreshing it was to be spontaneous. It was filled with dance and socialising with great people.

Friday night I went out dancing. Karate Kid came half way through the party and we were a little stand off-ish at the start. It just felt like so much was not being said between us and that we were both hurting each other without knowing it. We had some amazing dances but inside my chest felt a void yearning for connection or some form of closure with him. I reflected on the situation as I watched him dance with someone else and acknowledged that my apprehension and defensiveness may be hindering ‘us’. So I decided to be more of an adult and to not perform my Cinderella Act that night. To be fair, Karate Kid had complained on multiple occasions that I would always leave without saying goodbye. When I told him that night that I was planning to leave he grabbed my hand to dance and said that he wouldn’t let me run away. After the dance he said he’d walk me to my car.

Things felt a bit tense and strained between us. When we left the party he didn’t hold my hand until we were around the corner and out of sight of anyone from the party. I felt hurt that he may be ashamed to be seen with me, kind of like I was his dirty secret who he went to visit in the dark of the night occasionally…..then I realised that I’d been the one to make a big fuss right at the start about people knowing that we were seeing each other …..so maybe he was being respectful?….I have no idea when I transitioned from not wanting to be seen with him to being okay with it, but I guess it’s happened.

When we got to my car I didn’t want to appear dramatic and needy but felt that I had to get some things off my chest. I told him that I had been feeling a bit of distance between us – blank stare – okay, well, the connection we had isn’t as strong – blank stare continued – okay, well, I don’t think you get it at all – blank stare and smile – I then gave him an example of how I felt hurt after his message just before the Spain trip that read along the lines of “I went out dancing last night and had lots of dances with great girls”. He laughed and asked if I’d read it before or after the trip. I said I read it just before my trip and that it really hurt me and that I didn’t know how to reply so I didn’t. I said it wasn’t a nice way to part just before a big trip. He didn’t say anything but seemed to comprehend that his complacent actions had directly impacted me. We settled on seeing each other on Sunday night. He said he’d organise something. When I left I felt uneasy – was he actually going to follow through?

Saturday I went to the Colombian Festival that Dreamy Colombian had invited me to. I wasn’t going to go but decided on the Friday morning that I would like to go and so sent a barrage of texts to friends to see who was free and interested. A few were actually keen and we had an amazing day. It was filled with food, dance and laughter. I only saw the Dreamy Colombian fleetingly as he was serving people from his food stall. I wasn’t going out of my way to say hello as he was busy, but also because I was there to have fun with my friends. Fast forward to now and I still haven’t heard from him. I have a feeling all he wanted was hanky panky but was deterred when he realised it wasn’t going to be an easy feat.

Saturday evening I went dancing again. There were some interesting points that I should mention about the evening:

• Surfer guy (who I haven’t heard form in months after his mini meltdown about me declining his offer for burgers) had sent me an invited on Facey to that party. I never responded. He was on a different dance floor for the whole night so we never crossed paths….maybe best to leave this one dead in the sand?
• Mr Spark asked me to dance and we seemed more relaxed around each other.
• Karate Kid grabbed me to get a photo taken. You see, there was a thrown set up in a corner one room. He insisted that another one of his girl friends be in it. He wanted to be the ‘King of hearts’ and sat on the throne with us on each side making heart shapes with our hands. Cute, but clever as it’d be weird to have just the two of us in it.
• The Tardy Teacher was there…now I had been very curious to know what our next interaction would be like after the ‘Clashing of the Titans’ entry a couple of weeks earlier. Let’s take a moment to delve into this, shall we?….

My stance on the situation with the Tardy Teacher is that one should take responsibility for their actions. Alcohol or no alcohol, if you blatantly hit on a woman and try to out-man another contender to compete for her that you should follow it up! Maybe ‘social responsibility’ is the correct phrasing? I don’t know. All I know is that it is very confusing and frustrating. Who is he to come along and cut another guy’s grass and then go quiet? He could have ruined things between Dreamy Colombian and I if it were are thing. Anyway, maybe it’s a good thing as it demonstrated to Dreamy Colombian that he’d have to pick up his game if he wants to date me.

So, the Tardy Teacher tried to ask me to dance a few times but as he made his way to me other men could cut in front and ask first. After an hour we eventually crossed paths and he admitted to being drunk that night and not remembering anything. He said he’d woken up with a hangover the next day and that his memory was blurry. I may have believed him if it wasn’t for him repeating his story as if to convince himself it was true. Perhaps, he may have felt embarrassed for raining on Dreamy Colombian’s parade? or maybe the alcohol had given him beer goggles and he thought he wanted me that night? Who knows? All we know is that he wasn’t going pursue me sober. I felt it inappropriate to remind him how he’d said he liked my long hair and loved it when I sang to him whilst we danced. I’ll just pretend those secrets never slipped.

My Friendly and Quiet Guy were there. We had some nice dances. The Lawyer was there to with the girlfriend – definitely no spark left with him. He did ask me to dance but I just don’t feel comfortable dancing with him when his girlfriend is around. I honestly don’t want issues with potential jealousy. Anyway, for some reason that night I felt liberated and extroverted and with all that positive energy beaming from me lots of men wanted to dance with me.

At the end I told Karate Kid that I was leaving again and he asked me for the last dance. We’d had some playful dances that night and it was as if we were both letting our defenses down finally. He offered to walk me to my car and again didn’t hold my hand until we were hidden from any other party-goers. We kissed farewell and he didn’t mention anything about Sunday night…I held my tongue as a lady doesn’t ask nor beg to be taken out. I left the night unsure if he’d even remember that we’d agreed to meet on Sunday evening.

Sunday lunch I’d invited some friends over. They were a couple with a 1 year old baby girl. There were two interesting points of conversation during the lunch, but let me give you the background information first. They are actually good friends with the Tardy Teacher. The other week I’d been to their place for a BBQ and he was also invited – nothing noteworthy happened so I didn’t mention it to you. Many months ago they had been the ones to organise the intimate lunch at their place that Tardy Teacher and I had worked out that we were both invited to when we had our first date the morning of. He couldn’t make it though on that occasion. So, with my match making suspicion senses already aroused the two points of conversation reignited my awareness. Is it not weird to suddenly be asked – so have you seen [insert real name here] out dancing lately? my response: oh yeah, he goes to the same parties haha – change subject immediately. And then, – so, have you been dating anyone since you’ve been back from your trip? – play dumb, play dumb, oh no, not at all, not interested and waaaayyy too hard basket at the moment. Maybe I’m reading too far into it? but you must admit that it’s a bit uncanny.

So, the grand finale of the weekend was the cliff hanger – was Karate Kid going to man up and actually organise something. Thankfully, I’d been busy all Sunday and unable to be upset that I hadn’t heard from him. I tried to rationalise that he me be busy planning something nice so cut him some slack…but time was ticking. At 3.30pm he sent through a message: Pick you up at 7:30. Wear casual/smart casual. Wearing something warm. Will be outside. What a relief! Oooo and I love surprises! Was it going to be a romantic walk along the water’s edge? was it an outside cinema? was it alfresco dining? so many things! And he was going to drive across the city to collect me like a gentleman.

Karate Kid arrived on the dot. He started driving us towards the city and joked that we were going to get McDonalds…I wasn’t completely convinced that he was joking…thankfully, we didn’t get McDonalds. He eventually turned down a familiar street – the one with the same mini putt putt place that Mr Not-so-average-Jo had taken me, eerily on the Sunday night that I had cancelled on Karate Kid to meet with him as he could competently organise a date – it was like an alternate reality experience.

Now, I’m not one for lies, but I made an exception that night. You see, Karate Kid had actually put effort into this and made it a surprise. I didn’t want to ruin it for him seeing as he’d gone to an unusual amount of effort (for him). As we pulled in I said ‘Um, this is a golf course’ so he said ‘Oh, is it? I’ll just find somewhere to do a U-turn then’. He drove to the car park and parked the car to which I said ‘That wasn’t a U-turn’ he laughed and said the he needed to use their facilities. I said I’d wait in the car and he said I should get out to look at the view of the city. Arm in arm he took me to the golf shop and I read out the sign ‘mini putt putt’ to him and tried to look as surprised as possible (I think I was convincing). Things were going great until the second hole when he directly asked me if I’d been there before…I froze with embarrassment – had I told him that I’d been there before? surely not, but maybe I did? could I get away with saying that a friend had been and told me about it and maybe he’d confused it with me going? I vigorously shook my head and pursed my lips – nope, definitely have never been here before! then continue shaking head. He stared at me searching for truth….okay, so I must have told him that I’d been there before – awkward! I’m such a bad liar as well. I’m sure he knew I wasn’t telling the truth. After that I felt dreadful for lying to him. I really wanted him to feel that he had made it a special night for me. I really appreciated him trying to surprise me and didn’t want to ruin the illusion (also, I was already in way too deep from the moment I started pretending at the entrance!). So my plan is to never speak of it again with him so that I never have to confess to lying to his face.

On the up side – I won!!! Also, things seem a lot more relaxed between us now. I think he liked hearing me say how much fun I had and thanking him for the nice evening. Let’s hope that things keep going smoothly.

Not much word from The Spaniard. He wished me a happy weekend. I had a thought recently. Could it be that he’s coming up to the divorce part of his separation? I never asked him questions about it. All I remember him saying (in Spanish by the way) is that he had separated in late 2016. Maybe he’s already divorced? I don’t know. But, I can imagine how that could explain his lack of inter-activeness. It could also be that he’s just not that interested. Either way, I still have time to decide whether or not I cancel my flights in November…

Anastasia

Image: [Jana Gouthova] 123RF.com