Fear of Sleeping – Entry 120

Dear Diary

I hardly slept the past few days. Each time I tried to fall asleep I’d keep playing over and over again in my head the night-time visitors scenarios from the weekend. I had so many unanswered questions and alternative scenarios to troubleshoot. The thought of taking up self defense classes has entered my racing mind at least three times. Could I be traumatised? I mean, it is unsettling to be woken up from your dreams by strangers and predators. I’ve decided that I’m not going to that particular Dance Camp again. Ever.

After Dance Camp, I had booked in to do a dance workshop. I was so tired from having hardly a wink of sleep over the weekend that I didn’t end up going. Karate Kid noticed that I wasn’t there and sent me a message:

Haha you party animal….I bet you crashed and are at home sleeping….”

I replied: “Correct. I didn’t sleep at Dance Camp…but for all the wrong reasons…”

He replied straight away: “What is the reason? I’ll call you later tonight if you’re still awake…”

I took a while to compose my reply. How to word it best was the main problem. If I put too much information in it’d turn into a mammoth text. But being too concise could be read as very alarming or imply that something disastrous happened. I settled with: “…people visiting me in the night o-O”

He replied: “OK. Are you OK? do I know these ppl? I’m at dinner atm”

I was touched by his concern. I didn’t want to disturb his dinner so sent a pacifying reply: “I’m okay. Nothing bad happened. I managed the situations. Just creeped me out”

He called about 40 minutes later and we had a chat. He was amused by the story of the sleep walker and agreed that it would have been creepy waking up to someone looking at you. When I told him the story of the arm-stroker (Mr Top Bunk Buddy) he was not impressed. He asked me to tell him who it was and said that the behaviour wasn’t acceptable. I him promise not to confront the person as it could make things awkward for me on the dance scene. Also, I’d prefer to deal with the person directly if they approach me in future.

During my stints of insomnia, I’ve had time to reflect on how I could have dealt with the situation with Mr Top Bunk Buddy. There were lots of factors at play hindering my better judgement that night, especially be woken up and trying to figure out the dynamics of the uncomfortable situation that I found myself involuntarily in. Still, I wish that I’d been more assertive and told him more firmly to stop touching me. Hindsight is twenty-twenty as they say.

Two nights on I still was finding it difficult to sleep. It was impacting my job during the day as I found myself making silly errors. Karate Kid noticed me online late one night (which is unusual for me as I like my beauty sleep) and he started a dialogue. We eventually got to the point that I was having trouble sleeping. He said that he’d visit me the following evening after work. I said that I was getting sick (likely from not getting enough sleep the past few days) and suggested he not come. He told me that he’d be the judge of that.

I felt comforted knowing that he was coming the next evening. During the day at work I also felt relief knowing that he would be visiting. I was really happy to see him when he arrived on my doorstep that evening. He gave me a warm bear hug at the door and I told him that he couldn’t kiss me as he’d get sick. His hug was just what I needed.

I made us both dinner and we shared some casual and relaxed conversation. It felt more natural than all the other times we’d had dinner – more laughter, banter and smiles.

There were only two awkward moments during the evening – one when I saw that my housemate had put up the photos from the photo-booth on the weekend on our fridge (the ones with Mr Friendly in them!). Not wanting to cause jealousy, I discreetly took it off the fridge and hid it for the evening. The second was when my housemate came home and wanted to show Karate Kid the photos from the photo-booth and couldn’t find them! She almost said who was in the photos and I interrupted her by saying that I had taken them to my room. Not realising that she was blowing my cover she asked if I had taken them to upload them onto Facey – I really don’t like lying, Diary! but this was one of those occasions where I was already in too deep – I awkwardly said that yes, that was exactly what I’d done and I’d do it later, maybe tomorrow – stop pushing!! She said that she figured out later in the evening why I’d done it. She’s since uploaded the photos but hasn’t tagged me in them. We have agreed that she can tag me in them after a month as a month seemed like a safe arbitrary period to be able to downplay any jealous provoked.

After dinner, I offered Karate Kid dessert. He smiled and looked me up and down whilst saying “dessert” and nodding his head. I laughed and prepared the dessert. After dessert, we went to my room and cuddled. He saw the many bruises over my body from the dance tricks and lifts workshop from the weekend. I am sure that he believed me as to where they came from. It does legitimately look like I’ve been abused.

Karate Kid was really sweet and checked under my bed for the Booggie Man. I felt so safe, secure and comfortable having him in my home. We cuddled and played until we got sleepy and then we snuggled up together and slept. I loved how he always had an arm or hand on me every moment. A couple of times he gently caressed my hair (something that I loved The Spaniard doing). It was amazing how easy it was to sleep with having him there. I wanted to kiss him but didn’t want to make him sick. It was about 1am when he whispered that he needed to leave to drive home. I slept well for the rest of the night.

I don’t know what it all means now though – are we an item? I mean, it’s kind of implied after the emotional turmoil over the past month and him continuing to pursue me despite me saying that I was only interested in serious dating. But is it official? Karate Kid saw my painting from last week in my room and said that he wanted to put the photos up on Facey (so far he has only put the photo of him and his painting up). I didn’t say anything as I wasn’t sure if I was ready to make a public statement by being tagged in them. I think it’s best to keep my options open until we have had ‘the talk’. If we are going to continue playing as well we will need to have ‘the other talk’ about safe sex and STI screening.

I’ve heard no more from The Spaniard since checking he was okay the other week. He’s changed his profile picture to the Barcelona attacks symbol. I imagine he’s preoccupied with current affairs there. I also am suspecting that he may not be as excited anymore about my trip in November-December. I’m still in two minds about cancelling the trip – am I doing it for myself or am I doing it for him?

Barcelona symbol

In other news. I’ve started planning my birthday celebrations for the end of the year. I’ve settled on a contentious date, but I’m sticking with it (for now at least). I’m born close to Christmas so it’s always hard organising anything. I would like something larger scale and classy this year. This means contending with Christmas function hire rates and limited availability. The weekend that I’ve chosen is also the one that many of my dance friends will be away for as there is a dance congress on (the one I went to last year) – this includes Dance Teacher, Friend of Confidence and potentially, Karate Kid. I’ll see which venues are suitable and go from there.

The Musician sent through an invitation on Facey for a gig that he has in a couple of months. It’s like a mini festival with non-famous bands where you can camp. It’s not my thing and he’s obviously invited everyone he knows. No more word from him since our walk-and-talk catch up. I’m not anyone’s Groupie.


Image: [Jana Gouthova] © 123RF.com

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